I don’t know who I am

[Papercup]

Um so hi? I’m kind of looking to forums to see if anyone can help me. I’m really struggling with my gender identity and quite frankly I’ve lost my perception of who I am because I’ve spent over 4 years thinking about it.
I don’t know exactly where this problem came from but as soon as I started 6th grade I started questioning my gender identity as I was starting puberty, I hated my body because I didn’t look like the other boys which lead me to think I was ftm transgender. As I’ve grown I’ve tried to convince myself that it was just a phase but that hatred and discomfort is still there. I hate being perceived the way I am, just being called “Sister” or “Daughter” actually makes me crumble and I can’t fix it.

I tend to think I’m not trans enough because I liked stereotypically feminine things when I was younger. These small things make me think I’m female and it makes me feel worse.

I’ve just lost myself so much, I’m in Ninth grade, stuck at home in quarantine and I have no idea how to figure out who I am, I don’t even know what to call myself.

[Aaronsis]

Hey Papercup

Welcome to the forum, welcome to taking a big step to getting some support and some comfort at a time when I can hear your confusion, your frustration and I am sure you are exhausted from all the thinking and over thinking. While I am a 45 year old woman, I have never questioned my sexuality or my gender so I have no idea the thoughts and the pain that you would be going through..however...there are some wonderful threads on here that have people, just like you, talking through their experiences.

I am not sure if you have had a look at the whole sexuality and gender identity section but there are so many young people feeling so very confused and really seeking out support through this part of their life.

One thing I think is fair to say though is that I am not sure if you have to put a label on anything at this point in your life. If you feel like a boy and you want to live as one, you be true to you, if you feel like a girl and you want to live as one, you be true to you, I know that this is so much easier said than done as there is the whole family and friend situation to overcome..my point is that sometimes finding the label or the term or the box in which we fit is more hurtful and exhausting than living true to who we feel we are.

You are so young and there are many experiences you will have in life that will help you answer this question fully, your relationships, your sexual partners, your family your friends, there will be a time when you can say in one sentence how you identify, you might be 45 like me, you might be 20 ....in the meantime I think try and give yourself a break, enjoy being who you are every day, and if you are not sure of the name of it, that is fine, but do what makes your heart happy papercup. People will love you for you, and if they don't, that is fine too, they just don't get to be in your life.

I am not sure at all if I am of any help but I really hope to support you with love and kindness and you deserve it. As I said before, there are other threads with young people talking this through and you might read them, you might join in, whatever works for you.

Hugs to you and I hope to chat some more to you.

Sarah xx

[Papercup]

Thanks so much for your help, I really appreciate it x

[eight]

papercup is such a fun username. it sounds really nice and i never knew how it does

i know a lot of trans people realise they're trans around puberty (i'm nb n count myself as that lol) and there's that image in people's heads you always had to have dysphoria since you were four or you're not Really or not Trans Enough. usually they're cis people who don't understand or communities like transmedicalists and maybe i'm cynical as hell but they all boil down to bullies wanting highs and need another outlet than attacking other trans people.

i'd explain it like... when we're kids we're not really that gendered. they all look pretty androgynous and you'll look to hair or clothing or their name to read their gender but that's a social construct society was the one who decided this is for this gender rather than a set in biological stone. and then you grow older and suddenly your body all starts changing and too fast and uncomfortable for your liking and its more reminders of your assigned gender that could make a trans person realise something's not right here.

you say "these small things make me feel i'm female and it makes me feel worse" and i don't know why you're trying to convince yourself of that when it brings you so much pain. when you reframe "who am i deep down really" to "what makes me happy" it becomes less of a grave announce the truth and something a little less complicated. i know trans communities carry it around a lot, wanting to be another gender is a symptom of being another gender, what would that mean flipped around?

that's a feeling on the quarantine thing i'm stuck at home and going through the video games i haven't beat yet to fill the time and since i can't see any of my friends or talk to anyone my thoughts go around and around like i'm dirty laundry but it never gets washed. about my friendships about my parents about my grades and my counsellor and if i'm doing it all right and it just keeps spinning. i try to look at some of the stories ive written touch up the editing and organise them because i think thats more active and it still swirls. round and round again like the dirty laundry. i think thats what everyone feels with quarantine

[LittleMissAlice]

Hi Papercup,

Sorry to shove my own stuff into the mix but I can really relate to what you say you're going through, I'm trans female and a little while ago I worked through pretty much the same emotions you are now. The confusion, the panic, the overall stress of everything is so so hard but I promise you're not the only person to go through this, and it does get better. I remember when I figured out I was female it took me a while to readjust my inner pronouns to she, and whenever I accidentally used he it really hurt me and I didn't know what to think. But now after a lot of self analysis and such that doesn't happen anymore, and I'm comfortable with who I am. The important thing is that you learn to be happy with yourself.

Also no one is not trans enough. Being trans means being happy in whatever shape that comes in, and there are no limits to that.

Anyway that was the deepest I've been in a while, sorry probably went a bit overboard there

Regardless good luck and hope you feel better soon!

xo Marie

[Papercup]

I guess it was just me being paranoid that kind of through me off? Thanks for your input, it’s really made me look at the bigger picture and that actually helps me out so much, thank you xx

[Papercup]

I really do have to look at this in a more positive light, it’s great to know that I’m not alone, thank you so much Marie xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey Papercup

I hope you are feeling the support of the community here, I actually have to say, I put out to the universe for Marie to answer this one, I have chatted to her on another thread and when I read yours her name rang loudly in my head. I kind of put it out there to the universe and here she is to support you. Together we are stronger.

I think keep talking, keep sharing, but mostly listen to your heart and be you, boy, girl, non binary whatever the label is or whatever it ends up being called as long as you are happy and have love for you.

I am so happy now, I just love the support of this community.

Hugs

Sarah xx

[eight]

mate everyone's being a little weird rn. when you cant go outside or talk to most people face to face and youre just stuck with yourself its no wonder your anxiety and uncertainty over your gender is gonna spike mine certainly does over the tiniest things now that i bet i couldn't care less about otherwise. round and round again like dirty laundry. i'm happy i could help you papercup and youre going to be nicer to yourself and see the forest for the trees xx to you too. mwamwah

[Papercup]

Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it xx