I don’t know who I am

[Papercup]

Um so hi? I’m kind of looking to forums to see if anyone can help me. I’m really struggling with my gender identity and quite frankly I’ve lost my perception of who I am because I’ve spent over 4 years thinking about it.
I don’t know exactly where this problem came from but as soon as I started 6th grade I started questioning my gender identity as I was starting puberty, I hated my body because I didn’t look like the other boys which lead me to think I was ftm transgender. As I’ve grown I’ve tried to convince myself that it was just a phase but that hatred and discomfort is still there. I hate being perceived the way I am, just being called “Sister” or “Daughter” actually makes me crumble and I can’t fix it.

I tend to think I’m not trans enough because I liked stereotypically feminine things when I was younger. These small things make me think I’m female and it makes me feel worse.

I’ve just lost myself so much, I’m in Ninth grade, stuck at home in quarantine and I have no idea how to figure out who I am, I don’t even know what to call myself.

[Papercup]

I saw that website that predicts the animal crossing stock market and honestly I take that game so seriously you don't even understand lmao. So many of my friends have the new game and I'm actually livid because mine's still posting :(. That game is literally my life, it kinda do be givin me serotonin doe lmao. I also thought it was so cool that gender is now expressed as 'styles' in the game, it's actually so adorable I can't handle itt

I'm very lucky to have Eliodad, I just wish your situation was better so you could vibe more dood.

I feel you those Secret Hungry Emotions™ hit different lol

[Papercup]

Hi Sarah,

I had a bit of a weird day honestly, I woke up really late and just kind of blobbed around for the whole day, but then just out of nowhere I had an intense match of Mario Kart with my younger sister lol. My younger sister just turned 11 and told me a while ago that she'd always looked up to me as an older brother which I found really sweet, we both actually get along well. How've you been doing recently?

This whole isolation thingo has actually benefited me a lot when it comes to managing everything (of course the whole pandemic isn't very cash money but at least it's given me a lot of time to think about how I'm gonna work everything out). My mum want's me to move to a performing arts school (because all my strong points are in arts subjects) which I'm actually considering as they're very accepting towards the many LGBTQ students that they have. If not that I'd probably just move to a regular public school and do orchestra and lessons outside of school. At the moment I'm just slowly coming up with ideas on how to come out and how I'm gonna do things in the near future with school and stuff, I'm just looking forward to all of the good things that can come out of this honestly.

Though my relationship with my mum isn't the best, I know that she would probably be accepting if I did come out. We have our ups and downs but I'm working at our relationship and trying to bond with her more by walking the dog with her, helping her with chores, watching tv with her and a bunch of other small things like that, I think I might be able to save it. I do think the whole 'labels' thing is an attempt at avoidance, I don't blame her though, I understand what it must feel like to worry about your kid constantly. I've got more issues than she'd clearly have expected in her first child.

I know they probably aren't gonna get things right immediately but that's ok, I'll be patient with everything so it can have the best result that I can get, that's all that matters to me, I just want everything to be fine.

Chat soon!

-Elio xxx

[eight]

i've been poring over those docs that dataminers are dropping over how it works too. the first week you buy turnips from daisy mae you're immediately set on small spike for that week but other than that my prices have been Awful i always need my friends with better prices to bail me out before sunday. first the dow jones stock market crashes and then sow joan's stalk market crashes i cant even have a good economy in anny cross 😔😔😔 tho i would be lying if i wasn't living - i was going to say viciously then vivaciously because vicious is too negative then wondered who the hell says vivacious - through those shitposts of editing daisy mae onto the stonks meme

okay im the youngest but the "ive got more issues than she clearly expected" hurts a lot. they really wanted to have me and i know you've got a different situation than me and mum's worried about other issues but i wonder a lot if mama would i be easier if i didnt babble and scream and cry and fight and split hairs and need meetings and meetings on how do we make sure we don't have to ring your phone up hot every day because "eight stuffed up again". i don't ever ask her because i know i'll be told i'm your mother why would you think? you're so negative.

just... just wanna vibe more. sometimes there's these few empty moments in a conversation where anything can be said and anything is possible. or you think itd be okay and suddenly that imaginary bubble you live in bursts. i write a lot of shitty emotionally constipated prose and poetry i never edit in my life and thank god i haven't been punching them out like that rn bc my voice just feels too limp to write anything too evocative. there's one of them that i liked about staring at the wall at 11pm on the day after your birthday and thinking of all the ways to tell your beautiful best friend. n how fluffy those ways feel like those wispy clouds that loft up high on sunny days before plummeting back onto your mattress and you're scared n quiet n alone. look as a 25/01 kiddie thats a fun way to spend your australia night.

snickers was right man, snickers was right. caramel makes me hypertaste so its an instant turnoff at the start but you Really aren't you when you're hungry

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Elio

Mario Kart..Yessss, and how fun that you got to do something like that with your sister, and my heart actually melted for you when she said that she has always looked up to you like a big brother...you must have felt so happy to hear her say that. I think this just shows the love in your family and the level of acceptance that you will get from your sister. How wonderful!

I was really impressed actually to read your whole post and see how positive you are, how accepting you are of your mum and that in a time when she is sometimes frustrating you, you can see she loves you and is trying too. You are so very mature and so wise and I am glad that you are looking to build and create a relationship with your mum, even when sometimes is does cause pain. I think a relationship with our parents is so very very important and I struggle everyday with my mother, however I try. I am like you in that I am closer to my dad.

The arts school sounds like it will be a perfect fit for you and if you are welcoming of this change then I can see it being really good for you. Firstly to specialize in the subjects that work to your strengths and secondly to be an opportunity for you to be you. The fact that they are LGBTQ+ accepting is also huge, this will give you some comfort as well as support.

You mentioned orchestra, what musical instrument/s do you play? My son does drums, bass guitar, sax and piano so our house always has some music going off somewhere. My daughter likes to tinker on the piano, she follows off the phone she has an app that tells her what keys to push....it is really good.

The best part about your post was when you mentioned that your parents are probably not going to get it right immediately but that's ok...wow..this is so fantastic that you have such a wonderful attitude about this. They will mess up from time to time but as you know, it will be an honest mistake and not due to nastiness or not being accepting of you and who you are. I am so impressed with your level of maturity.

Well I am off to mark out 1.5m crosses on the floor at work as we are having flu shots and everyone is here today....it is weird to see people!!!

Chat soon and have a great day Elio xx

Sarah xxx

[Papercup]

Is Joan canonically dead in the game or is she actually there?? I've seen way too many of those memes help lmao

I know exactly how you feel dude, it's like my mum just sees me as an inconvenience she has to deal with everyday rather than not at all acknowledging that I act 'picky' and 'difficult' because I have untreated OCD which is literally her fault?? She was literally there when I was diagnosed and convinced the gp that I didn't need meds yet also continued to complain that I'm anxious all the time, like bruh

Sometimes the vibes just don't be vibin doe, I think it's great that you can express how you feel through poetry when you feel stuck and frustrated. Though I'm more of a poetry consumer myself, I personally find that expressing emotion (whether it be negative or positive) through art, more specifically verbal art, is a beautiful thing.

[Papercup]

Hey Sarah,

Yeah we have quite a lot of fun together, she's definitely one of the only things keeping me sane at the moment lol, I feel like she's one of the only people who view me as who I really am and I'm really lucky to have her. We've been playing a lot more video games together recently.

It's a weird feeling to have your own parent's not really know who you are in a sense? I'm trying to look on the brighter side of things when it comes to my family, more specifically my parents, but I can't deny the fact that I have no idea how I'm gonna tell them. I mean it's really hard living like this, and at the moment it's actually really getting to me, I'm getting kind of desperate.

I guess the only reason I've somehow managed to remain somewhat positive about this whole situation is quite frankly the fact that I'm getting tired. I've spent so much time analysing myself, waiting for the 'right moment' to come out, trying to convince myself I'm cis etc. that the only way I can feel happy is by having hope, fantasizing about what I want to be and not putting anything into action, I don't know what I can really do.

I think the arts school would be good too, especially now that I'm considering dance and musical theatre (that I've always wanted to do but I'm now gonna actually try and put it into action lol). I play quite a lot of random instruments but my main instruments are Viola, Flute and Bass guitar. I play Viola and Flute in symphony orchestra at my school, I really like classical music. I've noticed though that I've been practising Bass and Uke a lot more recently, I definitely need a new bass lol.

Hope you've been doing well! xx

- Elio xxx

[eight]

they don’t say joan is dead. daisy mae talks about how gram-gram said im old enough to sell turnips myself now but also sable will talk openly about her parents passing away if you befriend her even says the d word. though i guess two characters which only appear in poor resolution portraits in her corner are different from a character. who’s been there. for four games suddenly croaking. i thought of it as passing on the mantle the new fishing tourney host cj is chip’s son and dunks on his old man constantly for not being able to fish. i dont know about flick but i refuse to believe nat managed to spawn a punk artist who talks like a greek classical poet

me n my brother were smash kiddies. i dont play smash that much since im not coordinated enough but some very-into-smash friends taught me this horrible game mode thats the special 300% sudden death smash with 99 stock and infinite time and also ness/lucas only among a bunch of other rules. it took us like an hour and a half to get through it and i dont regret it one bit you can only play smash with me if youll play that abomination of a match. i still grudge mk8 for having three rainbow roads and not one coconut mall in sight bc honestly thats entirely why you played mkwii

its so wonderful you managed to stay so positive. i like. absolutely fell in with the wrong crowds both online n irl when i was some bullied into shit kid and it made me so much worse. going back in time but just specifically to beat my 14 year old ass and say stop feeding your hurt and sucking away all your time and energy and do your gotdamn homework instead between the punches bc im still clawing my way out! internet strangers with discourse blogs you spend hours on formulating a vitriolic argument to some opinion anyone with a hobby would never care about that you both know won’t change anyone’s minds are temporary math delays are forever!! shit!!!

i think what im trying to say is more like… elio you’ve only been 14 for less than a week but you’re much more well adjusted than me when i was 14. maybe i’m not looking at the feelings left unstated or being too minimising and i know i know it feels so awful i live that all the time too and dream about wouldn’t it be nice like i can escapism my whole life away n forget. i'd say you dont need to keep holding your breath for a right moment but that's what ive been doing my whole life so i dont know what that reflects on me. i'm getting bad hunger pangs and gotta go before i spiral again

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Elio

Hope today brings you something really great, I wanted to talk to you about "coming out" as I can hear from your post it is really consuming you and you mentioned you just don't know how to do it, now I just want to be clear I am not in anyway pressuring you here, I just want to help you to explore some possible ways, maybe even from my view as a parent how you could have this "moment" and move on with being you, as I can hear you want this so very much.

So I have been thinking of some ways in which are more light, so to speak and not as heavy as sitting down to have a formal conversation. I thought of a fun ways to perhaps turn this into more of a celebration than "breaking the bad news", as it most certainly is not.

What about a morning tea kind of situation, you can get your sister to help you, bake some cupcakes or a cake and what I was thinking is then turning it into like a gender reveal party. You could make the cupcakes blue on the inside and while everyone is biting into their cake you can say something like "Well family...lol...guess it's a boy...I just wanted you to share in this awesome day with me as I share with the people I love that , maybe not surprisingly, I am Elio, I am your son, and I love you all". You can play with this idea if you feel it is something that resonates with you...this could also be totally daggy to you too...lol

Also I thought about just the more basic and traditional way of making a really nice card and giving it to your parents, this could be more formal where you do write down how you are feeling and how you imagine things moving forward, this is a way to avoid actually speaking the words if that is what is causing you anxiety about the process. That way after your parents read the card they will start the conversation with you and you can just answer questions and so on, but a really nice card is something that they can keep to make the occasion.

Also with regards to the "right moment"...I am trying to put this into a situation of when is the right time to do anything..what determines when the right time is? I don't think there is ever a wrong time or a right time...You can plan it in your mind how you want to do it, it might be tomorrow, it might be next year, only you will know but I am not sure how you will know, what one waits for, is it confidence, is it preparing if it doesn't go how you expect...I am not sure here.

You are stronger than you know xx

Hugs and hope this is helpful

Sarah

[Papercup]

Hey everyone,

Terribly sorry I haven’t been posting recently, I’ve been trying not to become dependent on this forum. But I still thank you all for helping me so much in the short time I’ve been on here

I’ve never felt more trapped and quite frankly I have no idea what I’m gonna do. My parents wanna move me back to my old school, drama in my friend group has gotten worse, I’m still doing online school, I don’t wanna talk to anyone, I don’t wanna do anything and to top it all off I’m still in the closet. I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m gonna do to fix this, my life has just gotten a whole lot worse. I’m too scared to come out but I know if I don’t do it soon, it probably won’t happen until a few more years and I wanna be myself for at least a bit of my childhood.

I just don’t really know what to do anymore and I don’t wanna run out of time

- Elio

[Aaronsis]

Hey Elio

It is great to hear from you, remember we are here for you and this is your thread, if you need us you can come here and get some support, some conversation. Also it is not such a bad thing to have this in your life, a place to come and to get some things off your chest and to get some different perspective on things.

I can hear how confused and how frustrated you are, let's try to break it down into small bites so that you are not trying to think of all these things at once...with school, have you talked to your parents, have you given this some thought yourself as to what you would actually like to do in this space? Would going back to your old school be so bad? Also there is no race here, you come out when you are ready and there is no time frame on this, I can hear you feel like you are "wasting time" that you have to "come out" so as you can have it apart of your childhood. Remember there are no rules here, but you are also the author of your story. Try not to get trapped in overthinking this and role playing it in your head, and casting aspersions and assumptions. It really may not happen the way you expect, it could be so much better.

It is so hard being a young adult and I think by you coming here to chat and to try to make sense of your young life and to get some support in what to do, it is all so much.

I think one parcel at a time, unwrap it, consider it and then manage it. Try not to open them all at once as then you don't really get to enjoy or in this case understand each one.

Huge hugs to you and I am so glad to be chatting to you again

Hope you are ok Elio

Sarah