I don’t know who I am

[Papercup]

Um so hi? I’m kind of looking to forums to see if anyone can help me. I’m really struggling with my gender identity and quite frankly I’ve lost my perception of who I am because I’ve spent over 4 years thinking about it.
I don’t know exactly where this problem came from but as soon as I started 6th grade I started questioning my gender identity as I was starting puberty, I hated my body because I didn’t look like the other boys which lead me to think I was ftm transgender. As I’ve grown I’ve tried to convince myself that it was just a phase but that hatred and discomfort is still there. I hate being perceived the way I am, just being called “Sister” or “Daughter” actually makes me crumble and I can’t fix it.

I tend to think I’m not trans enough because I liked stereotypically feminine things when I was younger. These small things make me think I’m female and it makes me feel worse.

I’ve just lost myself so much, I’m in Ninth grade, stuck at home in quarantine and I have no idea how to figure out who I am, I don’t even know what to call myself.

[Papercup]

I'm quite the sleepy boy so I relate to you there lmao. Thanks so much, happy Easter if you celebrate!

I miss back in primary school when we got to play recorders and stuff, they were my glory days lol. Arts subjects can be tricky when it comes to grades, because marking's harder for the teachers or something (idk that's just what my elective music teacher told me lmao).

I just really wanna come out so I can finally be myself, my dysphoria is awful at the moment and it just really sucks that no one knows. I'm probably gonna end up writing a letter because I'm bad with words and I'd be able to write it out in my own time. I really need to come out before we have to physically go to school because even though I now go to a new school, no one knows me as myself and it makes me feel really uncomfortable. I'll always feel really guilty though if I get my parents to move me because I kind of nagged them for 3 years to send me to this really expensive private school and now that I go there my life has been way more painful. Maybe I could just convince them to move us to Sydney or something lol.

Yea it's hard to end on a positive note when friend drama is involved, sometimes things just get really tough and it's hard to put words to the situation.

[Papercup]

Hey Sarah, thanks so much xx

The day wasn't bad, I was kind of just in my head a lot throughout the day. Just things like "another year in the closet", "no one knows who I am" kept repeating in my head and couldn't really stop it? My family made the best of it but it was pretty obvious that something was off. Though on a lighter note, I'm very happy that I'm making progress and 'actually getting there', it's such a nice feeling and it really keeps me going.

I have kind of dropped hints and stuff like that and I think they know that somethings up but I can tell that they can't quite put their finger on what it is. I would say my body language of all things is very masculine because at this point it's one of the only ways I can express myself, my mum comments on it a lot but I don't really know if the possibilities of me being transgender have ever crossed her mind? I only say that because I honestly can't tell at all. My mum clearly want's to be like her older sister who's first daughter is like her best friend, they do things like shop, do makeup etc. together and I can tell that that's what my mum wants with me, except she doesn't know that I'm her son, but if she does know (which she may) she would be in denial about it. My dad on the other hand, wouldn't really care honestly, he's expressed to me many times that whatever happens he'll always support me, which is why I'm closer with him (also because he doesn't give me a hard time about every little thing I do lol).

Another thing I wanted to mention was that when I was about 11 and started questioning my gender, I would dm random trans people on instagram for advice and my parents saw the messages and confronted me about it. However, they were more concerned about internet safety then me being trans, they asked me if I was trans and I denied it because I was scared and they mentioned me growing up (which I'm also scared of) so that kind of fits in with what I'm talking about, I could've gave them a different message back then, though it's more apparent now.

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes!

-Elio xxx

[CalmCat]

I didn't find out who I was till I discovered meditated and stopped partying. I'm now 33 and have only known who I am for 2 or 3 years.

Before I found myself, I was quiet self-destructive. But now I love life so much.

My only advise is to find what you love doing in life and stick to it. Also when you find that love also find yourself a mentor! My mentor helped me so much with life I can't thank her enough.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Elio

I am so happy that you had a nice day on your birthday considering things have been different from other birthday's. I am sorry that you were somewhat in your head, but hey, all in time and you have nothing to feel disappointed about.

I hear what you are saying with regards to your mother and wanting a relationship with you as her sister does with her daughter, she can still have that relationship with you, boys like shopping, boys go out for coffee and some like make up too, I think it will just be you perhaps showing her how you can still do the things as a boy that she wants out of her daughter. However, I really don't want to speculate here however if you are saying that your body language and how you carry yourself is very masculine, that she has seen you online with trans people and has confronted you about it, I am really thinking she may have more of a clue about this than you think, and the fact that they are saying they love and support you no matter what, perhaps they are just respecting your journey and are waiting for you to be ready to say something to them. I would suggest that they may know already what is coming. I could be wrong too but from what you have said here I think they may have an idea. I am just happy as I said before that they have said that they support you no matter what.

With regards to school, I think there is some thinking to do there with regards to moving etc. You mentioned you are at a school that you really wanted to go to. I think perhaps you need to almost separate the issues here and make a bit of a list for yourself as to what you want to do. If you love the school and you are getting a good education I would suggest staying at the school, if you have friends that support you and teachers too then I would not suggest making a move just to "be out". Now in saying that, when you do come out to your parents maybe they can go with you to have a meeting with the principal or wellness Councillor at the school to see how you can manage your transition and this way they can support you and provide you some comfort and care and also see that it is done in a respectful way so that you are protected and supported.

I actually asked my son's group of friends once what they would think if one of them in the group came out as trans...one girl looked at me like I was a freak and said "we wouldn't do anything but love them and be their friend"....Wow..I was blown away.

Chat some more soon

Sarah xxx

[eight]

zzz... you're welcome man. happy easter too if you celebrate as well!

my year 5 class was like the only one that learnt recorders and for those items you did we wrote this musical about a rags-to-riches homeless guy bc of his singing, becomes snobby and insufferable, then gives away his money and since whenever you started an instrument you Had to learn drunken sailor i could never get that "what shall we do with the snobby rich guy" chorus we made out of my head. i was the lead singer for it only bc i was loud but i missed the actual day because i was sick. all i did was be that annoying drama kid when i was a primary school senior like the backstory of that guy as a washed up magician or accidentally writing and performing a shitty play that was just footloose when i was 12. i remember having a town in animal crossing new leaf and its town tune was literally the notes of sounds of silence i took from my recorder book and yes ive been thinking abt it bc ive been hyperfixing on new horizons recently because watching the days go by in game is the only thing stopping me from stooping to conspiring about how time is fake and invented by Big Ben to sell more clocks. my island tune doesnt allow sharps or flats but its a shitty death by glamour because O H Y E S

sorry if i sounded discouraging on that second point. guess i grew up a lot more differently to you. i try to assert myself however feebly it is in dress shirts and always wearing the long formal pants no matter how much it cooks down here and jumpers that make me look amorphous. my hierarchy of needs is a single triangle that says "a good dress shirt" love em to bits. i want to be rough and tumble and angry. i would say i still hear people whispering slurs behind the desks but that's probably because now i think of it. i don't want my family to know and even if i hear mum talk about me on the phone "and even if eight's got,, things" when she thinks i'm not listening i'm grateful i don't have to deal with the wheels turning in their head like bein some autismo buys me time. i try not to think about when it will run out

there's this quote, "the problem with my life was that is was someone else's idea" i had to search up who it was and naturally its benjamin alire saenz (read ari & dante) and i thought that hits hard with your mother. i'd say its not your responsibility to fill that image of or grieve with her but god, what am i doing? all i've been is jabbering about myself and talking hollow words to you

[Papercup]

Meditating actually helps me a lot with self reflection, though I tended to overthink who I am because of my OCD (I basically overthink everything so in this situation it wasn't the best) so I tried to avoid it for a while but now I've started up again but in smaller sessions and it's helped a lot.

It's great that you're now loving life and enjoying yourself!

By mentor, do you mean something like a counselor or trusted person, am I interpreting that right?

[Papercup]

Hey Sarah,

Yea I'd agree and say she may have some idea of what's going on. Though it does make me worry as she's very immersed in the media, she may have a different idea of what trans people are like? One of her main points in every argument we have involving topics like mental health etc. is "People don't need to always put labels on things" which is very much true, but at the same time some people use these labels in order to express who they are. For example, some things she does really trigger my OCD on a higher scale and one day I just got snapped and confronted her about it, she said "You don't have OCD, stop putting labels on things" which really made me feel invalid and hurt me, and it was kind of stupid because she was literally there when I was diagnosed and is just in denial for some reason, also it's a medical condition not just a 'label'. I kind of went on about that but you get my point. A better example of this would be when a kid at my cousin's school came out as gay, she said "He's to young to know, people need to stop labelling themselves", I'm worried that if I tell her she'll just think it's a phase and that I shouldn't put a label on it, I'm not ashamed to admit that she's the worse parent. When it comes to this subject my dad isn't necessarily educated, he doesn't understand much about LGBTQ matters, yet he still remains respectful, he's caring and we have mutual respect for each other, we get along. My mum on the other hand has the most backwards opinions ever, she's quite easily the most closed minded person I've ever met and quite frankly I hate seeing her in my house, she's aggressive and picks on me all the time. I just wanna be free to be myself, I've waited so long and I just want this pain to be over but I don't at all know how to go about it.

I have two friend groups, my friends at my old school that I'm out to and fully support me, we're all really close even though I go to a new school and one of us lives in the Philippines and my friends at my new school who are all very masculine and I don't think really support trans people, I'm very intimidated and actually pretty jealous of them for being cis, I'm not out to them and I don't think it's a good idea to ever come out to them, especially with all the weird drama that's already there. I don't know what I'm gonna do with school but I think moving would be best?

Chat soon!

-Elio xxx

[Papercup]

Drunken sailor was one of my exam pieces in like 3rd grade AMEB flute back in the youngin times, I never have physically done flute exams (or any music exams for that matter) despite being at one of the highest grades, I'll probably end up doing them all in one session next year for extra hsc points but I've still got all my other instruments and just s t r e s s.

All of my Animal Crossing new leaf town tunes end up getting stuck in my head, I just grind that game and end up having at least an hour on it every day lmao. I don't have New Horizons yet but I'll probably end up making my town tune one of my old New Leaf tunes, one of them's kind of stuck to me lol. Only problem with that file is it has my birth name set and I can't change it, my character's also a girl. I remember when I first got the game my character was a boy but then I started trying to be cis then dELETED THE WHOLE FILE, I still regret that lol. I do have another copy but someone I'm not on very good terms with anymore has it at the moment and now that we're in quarantine I can't get it back :(. I have his breath of the wild copy atm doe so it's probably gonna be awkward when I give it back lmao. I'm hoping I'm out by then anywayz

Being in the closet also really puts me on edge, the phone calls have me W O R R I E D. When my mum's on the phone I get so worried because she always talks shit about me anyways so if she mentions gender I might as well just throw myself in the nearest bin.

You aren't really jabbering about yourself, I like reading your stories and stuffs (also this whole thread has literally just been me ranting about my life)

[eight]

HELL YEAH glad i can find a kindred soul to vibrate about ac with. i remember that whole tortimer island guide about uprooting everything so you can kit it out for beetle hunting and i used it to absolutely break the town economy. catch me coming fresh off the boat to retail with stacks of hercules beetles 12k a pop. since nobody has found the foolproof economy breaker on a month old game (other than uh. those infinite tarantula people who are scaring me but you can only catch tarantulas if you're playing northern hemisphere rn) and i think beetle hunting has softened me because everything's going away as winter comes and?? how am i meant to pay off my loans??? this bridge i just put in???? bells are a lot less important now miles take over a lot of bells' functions but i am Running Short

i know in nh you can change your gender at any time using vanities (they even call it style. not your gender your style) but can't change your name 😞 mines not eight ingame but its a name i use with a lot of the friends i usually play with and its one of those weird noun names along that line. if im being honest i tried out a name which turned out not working for me by starting a new file in acnl and naming my mayor that and seeing villagers greet you so perkily was Validating. able sisters dont really make any comments if you're looking at opposite gender clothes like they did in new leaf too, gnc time

they always manage to find traps at any age huh. if its a kid they'll grow out of it teens are too young to know young adults should've said something sooner older adults get asked why is it coming up now? "labels dont really matter" can be great advice if they're more harmful or constrictive rather than feeling like a refuge and i think saying uniformly Label Bad is shitty as all hell. wish i had eliodad you sound very lucky to have him compared to my father

tbh itd paralyse me more to think about my father finding out compared to mama. i'm his golden child but the way he rails against my brother and how quickly they get to fighting when he spits pouf is terrifying and my brothers cis straight so. i really do be wondering when weird will end and getting put under the fire will begin

i am happy you did not find me useless i was super on edge after that. maybe its a little upsetting/embarrassing when you realise its more i probably needed something to eat because if you forget to feed yourself you unlock Secret Hungry Emotions like convincing yourself everyone hates you

[Aaronsis]

Hey Elio

Hope you are doing well today, I just was also thinking about school. I am hoping that the whole "online" situation can give you some time to think about if you want to change school, as that too comes with challenges, or if perhaps if this time "away" from the physical building of school might give you a chance to be "you". I am not suggesting forcing you to come out or anything as you must do that when you are ready, but I am thinking about uniforms and free dress and the ability to express who you are can slowly come through by being on line as I am not sure if you have to still adhere to the uniform policy while at home, I know mine dont. I was just thinking about that and perhaps this gives you some space to be more expressive. Just a thought there.

I am sorry that your relationship with you mum is a little fractured and that she does not provide you with the support that you need. I am happy to hear though that you are close with your dad and that you have support in him. Perhaps he will be the one that you come out to first and with his support and comfort be able to let your mother then know also. I hear what you are saying in that she really does seem to be consumed with "not putting a label on it", I am not sure if it is her way of avoidance and sitting on the fence so to speak, or if she really is that fluid that one can be accepted for who they are with out the need for a label, although I am kind of sure this is not the case. It is really hard being a parent and being responsible for the young people you have brought into the world, we do take it to heart when things don't go the way we have assumed or like we have played out in our head or how others are doing with their kids, not that it is wrong or even right for that matter but sometimes our messages and our intentions do get blurred and what we mean is not how we are coming across. However, there are times when we simply do need to put labels on things to get the best outcome, to be understood, to be accepted also to accept ourselves, I don't think we are that far advanced as a civilization to take each person on their own merit and have no labels...so until then we do need labels..anyway..to be quite blunt about it..imagine if there were two glasses of clear liquid, one had vodka and one had water..without a label the damage to a small child is horrific if consumed.....I think you get the point there.

Well that is my rant for the day..lol

Hugs to you Elio

Sarah xxx