I don’t know who I am

[Papercup]

Um so hi? I’m kind of looking to forums to see if anyone can help me. I’m really struggling with my gender identity and quite frankly I’ve lost my perception of who I am because I’ve spent over 4 years thinking about it.
I don’t know exactly where this problem came from but as soon as I started 6th grade I started questioning my gender identity as I was starting puberty, I hated my body because I didn’t look like the other boys which lead me to think I was ftm transgender. As I’ve grown I’ve tried to convince myself that it was just a phase but that hatred and discomfort is still there. I hate being perceived the way I am, just being called “Sister” or “Daughter” actually makes me crumble and I can’t fix it.

I tend to think I’m not trans enough because I liked stereotypically feminine things when I was younger. These small things make me think I’m female and it makes me feel worse.

I’ve just lost myself so much, I’m in Ninth grade, stuck at home in quarantine and I have no idea how to figure out who I am, I don’t even know what to call myself.

[eight]

elio elio elio!! it means like sunny don't it. you're so excited about and you must have good friends who helped you w that name you're in love with. also there are like only three types of people who scour baby name websites like that and they're expecting parents, trans people tryna pick out their name, and writers trying to give their ocs meaningful names and i never really think about the fbi guy spying on you even though they're hilarious memes but... yeah probably some of the stuff i search up would land me on their watchlist too but thats the crux of being a far too online zoomer right. i feel those 😤😤😤 in my bones by the way. that is also the crux of being a far too online zoomer

marie's a good one its pretty. all elegant ladylike but that was what marie aristocats wanted dont she. marie's a splatoon character too sassy green ex-pop idol squid who likes chargers, they're the sniping weapons. music's a big part of splat and her leitmotifs are orchestrals that all have tide in their names. i still get inordinately upset at that dare iced coffee callum murray ad bc "splatoon did that in twentied fiveteen >:(("

[Papercup]

Hey again Marie!

Thank you so much! I really like your name as well, it’s one of those names that just sounds so lovely

- Elio xx

[Papercup]

Hey Sarah!

Thanks so much, you guys have actually helped me so much over the past few days and I couldn’t thank you enough, I’ve learnt so much about myself and I’m just so excited that I’m finally working things through.

Yea I’ll definitely have to be patient at least I can say I’m prepared for that, I’m definitely not prepared to come out but I think I’ll get to it soon. I’ve waited this long lol.

Thank you so much, hope to chat soon!

- Elio xx

[Papercup]

Yea my friends are pretty great for helping me with it lol, they’re really supportive.

I mean the fbi homies probably look at my webcam and see a little scrawny boy then just take it as an opportunity to have a coffee break honestly, I don’t necessarily look very intimidating per say lol.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Elio

I am so glad that you feel supported here, it really is such an amazing space and I credit my healing to this forum, the people are just amazing.

As you know, well I hope you do, there is no rush to come out, you do it in your own time when you feel you are strong enough to. I always think of that internet add when the guy rings his mum and dad to tell them he is engaged to his boyfriend and the dad says "about bloody time"...I love it and I hope with my heart this is the kind of response and support you get from your loved ones Elio.

I have a 13yo daughter and a 15yo son and while either have not shown any interest that I am aware of in a partner or their sexual preference, if they did express to me that they were gay or non binary or trans I would be so thrilled that the burden of this "coming out" was finally over for them and it would be hugs all around. So if you are still here and chatting when you do come out, if your family don't give you the support you need, you have it here Elio, you most certainly have it here xx

Just another question..how are you feeling about online schooling? I am not really sure how it is going to go?

Chat some more really soon

Sarah xx

[Papercup]

Hey Sarah!

This forum is kind of my safe space honestly, I’m not out to anyone in my family and it makes me feel like I’m playing a character. Being supported by you guys really helps me to be myself and kind of express how I really feel, it’s actually really helpful.

I guess I’m always putting pressure on myself to come out because I feel so trapped, when your family has no idea who you are and you’ve been aware of it for like 5 years it doesn’t feel very nice. I just wanna be free to express myself and be who I really am but at the moment I just can’t.

It’s really great to know that when I do come out, if it doesn’t go well I still have you guys. Your kids must be very lucky to have a mum like you.

Online schooling for me has been alright actually, I kind of just get to sit in my pj’s, listen to music while doing schoolwork, there’s so much more freedom in it. It’s a lot more fun than physically being at school and when we go back next term the system won’t have many faults. Lucky I don’t have to deal with my 50 minute bus drive lol.

Chat soon!

- Elio xxx

[eight]

oh YEAH i have to leave at like 8am to get to school on time. there's so many extracurriculars i wanna try but its so far away and seeing like, we meet at 8:15 and calculating in my head id have to get up at six if i wanted to get ready and get there on time hurts that i don't bother. even if its like so incredibly stupid i wanna take drama if it wasn't for that one of friends who took it last year who could Afford those times smuggled me into a performance they were planning and i was 100% expecting to get booted out for not meant to be there but i just got told to put my name on the spreadsheet and they'd find me an extra permission form. that workshop took me to vivid it involved acting out the life cycle of sydney harbour's mullets using fish puppets it was so good and im just a lil crestfallen i cant do drama without like. either ungodly hours or getting snuck in

my head it keeps. dully pounding over the days but i get headaches a lot its not too surprising. maybe its just all too confronting for me. i tell zoom meetings where the background noise from everyone's families and houses overloads me in the chat shut up! mute your mics its no noise november mate. i was going on with this in a year meeting when a boy direct messages me "autism" and i guess brevity is the soul of wit. i dont know whats going on with like half my subjects or what i have to do i think i gotta stay up and finish some evidence of learning from today that needs to be done lest my hardline teacher calls home after this but i'm uh special needs so pinch o salt

:(( on that second paragraph elio. i convince myself itd be total disaster if i said anything and my parents would get worse and i'd rather not change anything with my friends but something still burns in my heart. god i. last week one of my friends revealed she was [redacted but im sure you can tell its bad] and it was during a real escalated shitslinging argument and another gets upset over how you didnt trust me to tell me. and while im trying to get it down and say no no she's entitled to keep things private i wondered what that'd mean for me. am i keeping them in the dark not wanting to make it iffy. something still burns in my heart. i feel like i tear it out of my chest and slam it on the counter everytime i speak bc thats how i thought you ask better questions and have better conversations but it pumps too too hard. i think i need to do that evidence of learning now im getting far too anxious n loopy to talk right now

[Papercup]

Honestly living so far away from school is so frustrating, some bands I wanna join are on in the morning and I can’t attend 😔😔😔😔. My flute teacher sometimes sneaks me into pit orchestra for random musicals, they once asked me for a job there after they heard me but I never heard back from them, I’m still very salty about that lmao, next time I perform I will be confronting 😎😎😎😎

Zoom calls are hard enough as it is it must be so much of a struggle for you, that’s really annoying dude.

Coming out for me probably wouldn’t be as bad as I make it out to be, my parents have expressed to me that they’d be supportive of me whatever happened. I’d just be worried about them not understanding and me stuttering all over the place ya know.

Dude I feel you there, feeling like someone close to you doesn’t trust you is the worst. My friend came to me and told me about something that she did and I got worried really fast, panicked then told one of our mutual friends because I didn’t know what to do. This ‘mutual friend’ now hates me because I called him out for being an asshole so he told her that I told him. Now she’ll never trust me again because she’s embarrassed about it, I tried to explain to her that it was because of my anxiety but she was so angry and frustrated that she wouldn’t listen.

I really do feel you there, it sucks

[eight]

elio i was too tired to respond to you last night but im hoping you're having a wonderful day or at least the best you can make it when you're at home. happy Foured Teenth buddy

i wish i could do music but my motor skills are all shabby and i cant remember where any notes go or be fluent on anything whether it was like - god what did they teach us? like recorder and piano and ukeleles. i dropped it in year 8 bc even if i liked it my grades were way too low to pursue it further compared to like, visarts. also i believe in you go put your foot down because thats definitely one of the only things im good at B) B)

i'm certainly not that fortunate as you but i always think like. you dont have to come out if you don't want to. people make it out like unless you'll be put through the meat grinder you have zero excuse but if you're just uncomfortable or don't feel ready that's still okay. could just be really on edge after what crushed to me as a bushy tailed preteen but thats what i've learnt. if you do you can write a letter or call or text if coming up with the words is hard i have trouble with staying verbal and maybe i should be concerned at this point if it seems like a challenge to keep myself talking but w/e w/e.

thanks for your empathy on the last paragraph. when you've got friends who squabble and argue and they're always really heated ones bc i think its like an exponential graph of how long you've been friends and how shitslinging your arguments get. i want to try and come up with advice for that but everything's so tangled and well i guess i'm haemorrhaging that skill too as well, who knew. i wanted to end on a positive note but i can't really think of anything that much

[Aaronsis]

Happy 14th Birthday Elio

I hope you have had a wonderful day and have been able to do some sort of celebrating considering the current situation. A new birth year, another year wiser and I feel like the personal development you have been on over the past week has been so awesome, that you have really opened up to yourself and to accepting how you feel and who you are, this is so fantastic...what a birthday present.

You will have us here, always, to chat to debrief, I am so very glad that you said your family would be supportive of you whatever happened, in saying this, can I suggest that perhaps they have an inkling already, parents are pretty perceptive sometimes and if they have mentioned this to you in the past maybe they are already thinking there is something you are waiting to share. By no means am I saying you must tell them now, not at all, you do it when you are wholly ready to. I am just thinking that perhaps the reaction from them wont be as scary as you play it out in your head. Just a thought.

Great to hear that online schooling is not an issue for you, I have to agree, working from home I have my day PJ's and then get changed into my night Pj's..lol

Happy birthday buddy and I hope you have had the best birthday ever.

Hugs to you

Sarah xxx