I always ask myself, "why me"

[pika_no_chu]

Hi people,

So I just joined this forum and decided to post a thread cuz I really need a place to express those feelings since they have been hidden for so long and I feel like I'm exploding. So after 22 years I figured out that I'm gay (I've never said this to anyone btw so this is kinda like a huge moment for me lol). I think I've always known ever since I was a kid. I soon learnt that it is only normal when a boy marries a girl, at least that's how I was brought up in my family. I thought that this funny feeling towards boys would go away as I grow older. I even prayed for this feeling to go away occasionally.

I started to get upset because of this at a very young age as the peers around me would always tease and make fun of gay people. Even though they may not really mean it, it still made me feel like an alien around them which got me even more upset. My mum would always criticise on gay people whenever they came up on news or tv shows and said that she would be so so devastated if one of her sons came out to her as gay one day, and there I was, sitting there feeling like she just stabbed me with a knife. 

I had my first gf when I was 19 cuz I just felt like I had to since all the guys around me were making gf. I had my first sexual exp with that gf of mine and surprisingly I could somehow  respond to female body instead of getting really grossed out. We might be connected physically but I didn't feel any mental/spiritual connection at all, it just felt like having sex with a sex doll. I realised I wasn't in love at all, I was just venting my lust on that person who really liked me and it made me feel like a really horrible person. 

So I have been single throughout my uni years and you know, uni years are the period where people start to hunt for bf/gf like animals in spring. A few girls actually showed interests towards me and friends questioned me like how come I didn't hop onto the chance when it was already so obvious and chose to be single for so long. Well cuz I don't want the same thing to happen again and that my affections are actually towards male. Sorry if I'm whining like some 16 year old, but I'm juz really exhausted recently cuz I've been away from home since 18 and have been moving from places to places all by myself. I'm always feeling like I'm carrying a 10 ton anchor wherever I go while dealing with all kinda big and small in life. 

I think I need advice if not thx for reading cuz I juz need a place to express this. 

[geoff]

dear PNC, well done for joining the site and expressing your feelings, it's never easy to do this, because sometimes we say yes I will post a comment but then you decide not to, and trust me this can go on for any amount of time, but now you have and that's good.

There is never any discrimination on this site, it's open to everybody.

I guess you have a problem with your mum if and when you decide to tell her, but she maybe thinking about why you haven't brought home a g/f, but can I ask you a question, would her doing this be more annoying than to get it out and tell her, and I know that's a really tough question to answer.

Remember how you feel is what you are, no one can force you to do anything you don't want to do, in other words no one can force you to date a girl.

Having sex in a relationship or a date is obviously an act of being physically satisfied, and whether it's done because you love them and want to share this experience together, compared to satisfying just yourself is a decision that has to be made, and there is a huge difference between these two.

I would try and break this news to your mum, and even if she is cross to begin with, she will have to learn that if she wants contact with her son it's something she will have to accept, so don't hide it any more. Geoff.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

You know when I write stuff and express myself often I feel like I work something out for myself and even answer my own questions. That one you started with, "why me?" I have not answered yet. I think we might all be happiest when we are being ourselves. It is probably the hardest thing to do, but sometimes I ask myself what I would be doing if I was just being me and that gives a bit of direction. 

I'd love to hear from you what happened next? Where are you at now? How are things with your mum?

Rob.

[Clare1]

Dear pika no chu,

It's a sad fact that when we think about coming out and telling our friends and family that we are gay, lesbian, trans etc all we can see is the bad things that will happen...like losing the love and respect of our important people.

And yes, coming out can be a surprise, and most people don't like surprises. So we try to avoid telling people as long as we can. But it comes down to some simple choices...you know you're gay, it's not going to go away, and your happiness is going to depend upon the way you deal with it. The good thing is, even though your mother might have some strong feelings about being gay, she is your mother. She may not be happy when you first tell her, but mothers cannot stop loving their children anymore than you can stop being gay.

As for your friends, your workmates, there'll be all kinds of reactions...some will be kind and supportive, others will just go away...but there is an amazing world out there and there are so many open-hearted people of all colours and sexual identities. You will find your tribe so quickly and easily once you stand up and announce your intention to be proud of yourself.

Simply put, you deserve to be happy. And you might be very surprised at the number of people (including your Mum) who will say "I knew you were special all the time!"

[pika_no_chu]

Yes you're exactly right. She n my dad are always wondering why I haven't brought home any gf cuz this is the age where kids are introducing gf/bf to their parents plus I'm not very hideous looking anw so they wonder harder lol. I know I have to break this news to her one day.. but I'm just not sure if this is the right moment to do it. Urgh sometimes come to think about it life is already full of issues and yet I have this gay cherry on top of the cake. haha hope one day I can really appreciate who I am. Thank you for your kind words 😆

[pika_no_chu]

I guess the reason why I've feeling depressed is because I had chances of making gf but you know... I'm just not into that. Plus I don't really want to hurt anyone anymore so I choose to stay away. sometimes I look at couples on the st and think to myself that could've been me if I'm straight like everyone else and probably wouldn't be alone and confused like now hence the "why me".

You are right, maybe we've already answered ourselves when we raise a question.. or perhaps some questions like mine don't require an answer at all. I just need to figure out how to embrace myself and really appreciate myself. I still havent come out to my mum yet, cuz I don't know if now is a good time as there are stuff going on in the family. But when the right time comes, hope she can understand that this is part of her creation too lol

[pika_no_chu]

Yea come to think about it it's never going to go away and that's what makes it scary cuz it's what I'm denying at the same time. Sorry that I'm making my sentence structure really complicated.

 well I guess some of my really good friends had already known since we've known each other for so long and so well and they're ok with that so that's something to be glad about. but I really do hope that my mother can understand that this is her son when that moment comes. thank you for your kind comment 😆

[Gruffudd]

Most mums seem to be fairly amazing. Someone once told me that when you tell your mum you are expecting her to respond, you have had years to think about that moment, she has had the moment, and still most of them just respond with love... I hope when the time comes your mum is amazing too.