How Do I Do This?

[amumwhoistrying]

I long suspected my son was gay and he has come out to us (immediate family) a few months ago. At first I was relieved, as I say I've long suspected and it wasn't a huge surprise. It's been a few months and now I am feeling so low and so sad about it. I cry all the time (I try to make sure I'm by myself) and I haven't told anyone, even my husband why I'm crying. I just feel so lost, and empty and black about it. I'm not homophobic, at least I don't think I am, or at least I don't want to be. I love my son and accept him, and really just want him to be happy. But the last few weeks I can't shift this gigantic black hole in the middle of my soul. He has been experimenting with how he looks, using makeup and painting his nails. I don't want it to bother me, but I think it is bothering me. Maybe I'm just worried what people will think and I hate myself for that. I'm worried about his safety, and the extended family don't know yet and I feel sick about that prospect, and then I feel so angry at myself for why do I worry what anyone will think. I imagined a different future for my son. I know for sure there will not be girlfriends to deal with, or a wedding with a girl in a nice dress, and I'm not even sure if he will want or be able to have children. I wish I wasn't making it about me, but I am. I feel really disappointed in myself that I feel this way. I'm too ashamed to admit it except annoymously here. Has anyone else been through this and how did you do this?

[That Other Guy]

Being a parent is hard, isn't it?

I have a trans son and a son who is deeply committed to an asexual girl. I just bought the trans son a house, but we see each other, my other son and his girlfriend live with me

I am my trans sons most fierce defender. He's asked me to stop correcting his grandparents when they deadname him because it just causes issues. So i get the bit about accepting and defending your kids the way they are

I'm also the most clucky man alive, i smile at kids i see all the time, no i constantly interact with women younger than me, because of their kids. I was briefly dating last year, and my friendship with her daughter is the thing I've grieved the most.

So regardless of how much i offer support and acceptance, I've deeply grieved that I'm unlikely to ever have grandkids. I've worried about how hard life will be for my kids. In some of the physical manifestations I've worried that my kids have ended up on a path that will make their lives hard .

So i think what you're experiencing is pretty normal. So long as you focus on expressing love and support to your son,i don't think it's bad to also sense loss in some ways and certainly to adjust to a new reality and new expectations. I know that changing the name i call my son twice was something i didn't resist or get angry about, but it was hard work. It sounds like you're coming from a place that makes your son lucky to have you, so don't be hard on yourself. If I'd been gay, my dad would certainly have kicked me out.

[sbella02]

Hey Amumwhoistrying,

Thank you for your honesty in your post, and welcome to our forums.

I came out as bisexual to my parents about two years ago. While I can't necessarily empathise from the perspective of the parent, I can perhaps offer some insight from the perspective of an LGBTQIA+ daughter who has recently come out to her own parents.

Coming out is a deeply personal and often terrifying journey to embark on. A key thing that I've learnt is that the people around me, who I choose to confide in about my sexuality, all make up part of my journey of self-acceptance, self-love, and my willingness to come out and express my identity. It's important to keep this in mind, that you may have a heavy influence on his acceptance and expression of his own identity.

I understand that you have imagined a different future for your son, that's very normal. Even now at age 20, I envision a certain life for my unborn children too. I imagine what they would be like, I consider the values I would love to instil in them, and the potential places that they could end up in life. But at the end of the day, I believe that it's only my responsibility to give my future children the tools necessary for going through life as their best possible selves.

At this stage, all you can offer is your support and the freedom to explore his own identity at the pace he wishes. My reading of your post is that you're willing to embrace your son's identity regardless of your own subconscious fears or reservations, and I'm so glad to hear that.

If you would feel comfortable, you could always have a chat to your GP, therapist, psychologist or a counsellor about your feelings, and they may be able to offer you some professional solutions for managing the more difficult feelings, and tips on supporting LGBTQIA+ children.

Please feel free to continue chatting with us here, we'd love to hear more from you, and we're here to support you.

All the best, SB

[Sophie_M]

Hi amumwhoistrying,

Thanks for sharing here. We can hear you have a lot of love and care for your son, and just want to support him. 

We think that QLife would be an awesome organisation to talk to about this. They provide anonymous and free LGBTI peer support and referral for LGBTIQ+ people in Australia and thier families. You can call them on 1800 184 527 or check out their webchat from 3pm - midnight. 

We’d also recommend looking up the Parentline number for your state or territory here, as they’ll be able to talk through your feelings as a parent.  

We hope you can be kind to yourself also as you process this. We welcome your call if at any point you’d like to talk things through, on 1300 22 4636.

Thanks again for sharing here. We hope the kind words, advice and understanding of people like sbella02 and That Other Guy bring you some comfort.

Kind regards,

Sophie M