Oh Sadlou what a dilemma you have on your hands! So many issues to sort out, and which one has to come first? Because unless you're a lot cleverer than most of us, you can't expect to fix everything all at once!
I would strongly suggest you sit down, take a big breath or two, and start a list. What are the issues here, and what is their order of importance? If I were in your shoes, my number one priority would be to do whatever it takes to start communicating really deeply with your son. Ask his permission to come into his space with respect and love, and tell him how you feel....be a friend, be a confidante, listen with acceptance and willingness to hear his anger, his fear and his confusion.
I believe if you can become his best friend instead of his parent, he may eventually open his heart and share his deepest feelings. Treat him as you would a timid beaten stray dog, be that loving person who quietly wins his trust and just listens.
And I feel that he desperately needs to do anything he can to find escape and relief from the torture of his own thoughts. He'll use the internet, movies, his bedroom, anything to distract himself from feeling worthless, useless and alone. I know this, I lived my teenage years feeling completely alone and unloved, not understanding that I was gender diverse, or transgender.
My best advice is to become a partner with him, embarking on an amazing journey of discovery for both of you. Make it a project, the most important project that either of you have ever begun. He will begin to find the bliss of being his real self, and you will win his everlasting love and gratitude. You have been given the opportunity to save his life....
