Gay and can't find a partner

[Alec92]

Hello everyone,

I'm a single gay man from Melbourne and am struggling to find a partner. Here is my story:

I've given these dating apps a good try: I've been on them intermittently for a year and a half or so and things were just not happening for me! I was mostly ignored and came away feeling annoyed and frustrated. I did my best to relate to others and tried to find a connection with someone, but I felt as though I was wasting my time because my effort and enthusiasm was not reciprocated.

I initiated communication and sent people messages but I often got nothing back in return. Other times I received delayed replies that were very short or two words long, which provided me with very little information about them to build on to keep the conversation going. So therefore the interaction back and forth between me and the other person would fizzle out very quickly. Often the other person would disappear completely after the third or fourth message was exchanged.

Conversation felt very one-sided most of the time because no one reached out to me first. When I stopped doing all of the initiating, I would never hear back from the other person again! I showed a genuine interest in others by asking them thoughtful questions about themselves, but few ever asked me questions about myself. When I did share things about myself, few asked me follow-up questions.

Regardless of where I met other gay men: many I encountered were heavily into the clubbing scene, did party drugs, slept around and were only after hook-ups and/ or casual sex. I found all of this very frustrating and disappointing because I wanted a relationship/ decent boyfriend that would be my partner and my friend! I was left feeling in despair!

All things considered, I find the whole process of online dating apps to be infuriating and unfulfilling. I consider the gay scene extremely difficult to navigate and it was a lonely experience for me.

[white knight]

Hi Alec, welcome

I'm not gay but have had 4 long term relationships and can say that I found it just as daunting. The only thing is the clubbing scene that might be more common in the gay world but othetwise I think it might be very much the same challenges.

We have a LBGTI section on this forum with terrific community champions that could assist you better but good luck in love and remember...its not you thats the problem.

Seek out "all threads" and bb skcial zone. There's a pinned thread started by Paul....

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything/page/14#qmejlXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Tony WK

[MsPurple]

Hi Alec and welcome to the forums.

As Tony suggested we do have a LGBT+ thread. He has attached the link (just copy and paste it). There are members of different part of the community there and we disscuss some LGBT issues as well as random discussions

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been single for a few years know and I find it very frustrating and difficult at times. I understand that everyone wants someone to love and show affection too eventually (some may not be ready now but they do at least hope for it in the future). I have been looking for a relationship and been getting no where as well. I have tried to stop looking specifically for a relationship. I am trying to look for friendships and open myself up to oportunities. In the past I have found when I stopped looking that was when I got into a relationship.

Not sure how helpful that was but keep at it and try not get down about it. Yes it sucks when you are looking for the one and it takes time, but it will be with it in the end.

[marcus_c]

Hi Alec, I hear you. I don't like the scene much and the apps seemed like a good alternative for me to try and meet guys. I've had mixed success, I've met friends and boyfriends through the apps, I've also met a few douch canoes.

My rule of thumb these days is not to let the apps rule my life or judge my value based on the respones I get from guys on there.

That said, if you're finding it difficult to meet anyone at all from there, it could be time to revisit your approach to others, what's in your profile, your main picture, etc. I know this sounds superficial, but first impressions mean a lot and you could be unknowingly sending out the wrong message about the kind of man you are and what you're after.

There's a podcast called DTR that I'd suggest looking up on iTunes, there's a whole episode about setting up a dating profile. Maybe get one of your friends to help you out, sit down and have a talk about the kind of guys you'd like to meet and see yourself with.

Get specific about what you want. Define what your ideal partner looks like, what's he interested in, what are his values. You already know what you don't want - someone who is a poor communicator and doesn't show an interest in you. Happy to keep talking buddy.

[Alec92]

Thank you Tony 🙂