Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[Timshel]

No, our situations are not the same. I don’t see you like that. I see you quite differently. You developed feelings for someone who was already in your life as a friend. You didn’t go looking at all. I won’t have you see yourself in that light. You’re too incredible.

I know your friend won’t change her mind, I get that. And I know that must hurt still. I wish I could make that pain go away, protect you from it in some way. All I can tell you is that it will. Believe me! And, as I said before, she will always be a part of your journey, an important part of your life, a very dear friend. Imagine if you had gotten together and, for whatever reason, things didn’t work out. That you actually discovered that you were better together as friends than parnters or lovers. It would probably be an even worse situation, harder to recover from. Maybe you would loose your friendship entirely. At least now you know that, come what may, you will always have her in your life, you will always share that emotional intimacy with her and, in the end, that will be more than enough to sustain you, I’m sure. She may have flicked a switch in you and that switch may lead you towards a new fulfilling, soft and somewhat delicious? relationship with a woman (thank you Esti for that extremely sensual imagery which also threw me over the cliff ....), or, it may even, in a round about way, help heal and cement your relationship with your husband.

I had just been wondering how you were thinking of broaching the subject of your sexuality with your husband. How honest you planned on being and what, if you were to tell him about your feelings for your friend and the fact that if she felt the same you would want to be with her, that would that do to him. Would he feel like second choice, like you just settled for him because you couldn’t be with her. I know you will tread lightly SH. You are a wonderfully, caring woman. It’s been an honour getting to know you.

[SH-2600]

I missed your last post in the cross over with mine.

I didn’t realise you and your husband weren’t together for a bit. You had previously said that you had told him you wanted out, but I hadn’t realised it had resulted in a break. I understand the way you feel about how you handled that pushing hard against him. You were backed into a corner though and all you can do is learn from it. And you have done that, you reflect and you learn. When you know better, you do better! Someone I met recently told me that!! This is also where you need to rely on my compassion and care for you, (because self-compassion is hard). Relationships are freaking hard!! Even when they chug along happily. We all do and say things we wish we hadn’t, things that don’t reflect the high standards we hold ourselves to. I bloody did something similar with my friend when we fell apart the first time. I understand the desperation and frustration that pushes you to that, and how it makes you feel afterwards too. It just makes you human, but the honesty and vulnerability with which you talk about it and the way you take responsibility for it makes you a good human.

You said your husband is more worried about how others see him. Maybe he is confident in your love for him too. Perhaps security in the relationship leads to some complacency or even taking it and you for granted. It is good that the therapy has brought you closer together on some levels though. Hope for the future?

I am liking the tiny desk concerts. Florence, Camp Cope and Alicia Keys so far, plus dipping in and out of some of the ones I have never heard of, looking for new music.

Clearly your husband is punching above his weight with you! That is obvious!!

Hugs to you too. Sleep well.

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel

I have been thinking about you and hope your day has been a bit better than yesterday. I hope you have had a chance to talk with your husband and that things are a little smoother.

I have been imagining you standing out in this god-awful weather watching your son play footy. That is dedication! Although I have been told that there is no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate clothing.

I will keep checking in here, so if you need to talk, vent or are looking for a distraction I will be around.

Take good care of yourself through all of this Timshel. I am so glad we found each other here. You feel like a kindred spirit to me!

SH

[Timshel]

No footy today. All grounds have been closed in the A.C.T due to the weather. The boy wasn’t happy. He loves a good mud bath. He had one last week. He almost always comes off ‘dirtiest on the ground’! Last week he got ‘best on ground’ too, so he was filthy AND ecstatic! We (the spectators) were freezing AND soaking!

I still haven’t talked to the other half. I fell asleep on the couch last night (had the best night’s sleep ever) and haven’t done a lot today, just stayed around the house. He has been a bit ‘in and out’ all day and hasn’t said much to me either. I don’t want to go back to stonewalling each other but I just don’t feel the inclination to speak to him just yet. I have been going over in my mind what I will say to him when I do. The most important thing is to try and remain calm which is hard with him because he can be so infuriating! I have a bit of a knot in my stomach actually but I’m doing okay. By the way, we didn’t ACTUALLY split up. We still lived in the same house but weren’t really together. We lived seperate lives more or less for many years (well on and off, with some reconciliations in between but they never lasted).

Junior has just returned from a day in the City with a friend. He scored himself a new casual job working in a restaurant and had to go and buy himself some black pants. Him and his Dad are at loggerheads today. What’s new?! They are both such hotheads. They can both go from 0 to 100 instantaneously. Started this morning over the picking up of dog poo and went from there covering everything from his disrespectful attitude to the mess he leaves EVERYWHERE! How can such an active, energetic kid be sooooo lazy when it comes to cleaning up after himself? Sooooo lazy! And how can one kid generate so much mess? Soooooo much! Funny too how he can roll around in mud all day if he needs to for football but when faced with the idea of picking up dog poo and he turns into a real princess all oooooing and aaaaaing and yukking!

When the 2 of them get started it is like someone arguing with themselves in a mirror! I have always been a bit more of a slow burner when it comes to anger. Although I did find myself becoming a hothead too over the last few years. Well, maybe more of a reactive hothead! I would remain calm for as long as I could but eventually someone would light a fuse in me and I would explode. BANG! The thing is I can’t calm down quickly like them. I need to slam doors, walk it off, ‘Shiraz’ it off!!

[SH-2600]

It sounds like another tough day Timshel. I am glad you got some sleep though. That is no small thing. Take the time you need to take before approaching your husband. He isn’t likely to start the conversation first, from what you have said, so take the time you need. I am sending you as much calm as I can muster. I don’t know how you are doing it at the moment. Also I think not really being together, but being in the same house is harder than splitting up. So does that mean through most of the battle with your OCD, you had little support?

You told me last night that you need to be mother to your son. I am wondering what you feel you need to change (what is it that you feel you are not doing well at the moment). Also when you are ready, I am interested in knowing what else you need. In terms of your primary relationship or other aspects of your life.

Your son is a footy superstar. Being the parent of a footy superstar is a rough gig. I don’t know what you do about the mess. If you get the answer to that one, please let me know. I have never been able to get mine to pick up dog poo either. They are all like “ooh yuck, this is disgusting!” Maybe the new job will help with responsibility.

I wish I could make things instantly better for you. Wrap you in a hug. Take you out of the situation for a bit. Have a few laughs. Just talk. Shiraz it off (I am so using that phrase from now on).

SH

[Timshel]

In another time and place SH, we would be probably sitting in some venue that serves alcohol right now, moaning our guts out, doing our best ‘woe is me’ impressions but laughing our socks off hysterically while doing it. You are indeed a kindred spirit! I like you heaps! If you should ever come across a woman wandering the streets mumbling away to herself, rubbing her sore knuckles after hitting a door and carrying a paper bag with what looks like a bottle of red inside, come and say hi! Oui, c’est Moi!

Yes, the ‘ole dog poo dilemma! We’ve always had dogs, but the thing is, this one is supposed to be HIS dog! And he wants another one!? My footy superstar could get his ‘come uppans’ one day. I have told him that, if he WERE to make it in the AFL one day, I will hijack Roaming Brian’s microphone in the team change rooms after a game and there’ll be no stopping me. He’ll wish he was an orphan! He says that is, in fact, the one thing in life, the thought of which could derail his AFL ambitions completely!! So, if ever you are watching the after game show of an AFL match and this crazy Irish woman comes on telling a myriad of tales about her footy superstar son’s eccentricities, have a smirk, because, Oui, c’est Moi!

I don’t think I am a bad Mum. I get all the important stuff right I think. And I cover the basics. But I’m not the efficient person I used to be at all so I’m not the perfect stay-at-home Mum type and I don’t have the excuse of having a busy career to fall back on. (I told you, I’m still a perfectionist in my head so I want to do everything perfectly.) As a result I probably spend too much time comparing my new self to my old self which isn’t helpful I know. Comparison being the thief of joy and all that. Plus my footy superstar son has a very self-entitled nature as I said and can be quite demanding. Just waiting for the rest of his brain to develop just like you said! I’m also a lot more impatient than I used to be. And, I’ve had to curtail that reactive hotheadedness which was starting to develop in me. It has made me say awful things in the past which I will always feel guilty about. I do make a point of always trying to apologise though. Of letting him know that, no matter what, I shouldn’t have said this or that and that I love him. Funny thing is, he rarely remembers things I’ve said so he usually looks at me blankly?? I’ve been crying and fretting over stuff he wasn’t even listening to?!

And the economist and the forensic scientist?

[SH-2600]

In another time and place Timshel.

I am definitely keeping my eye out for that woman with the bruised knuckles and bottle of red. And the one with Roaming Brian’s stolen mic. So you do still have your accent??

Your are a good Mum. My heart goes out to you for the way guilt makes you feel though. The love you have for your son comes through when you talk about him, and you have raised a capable and motivated young man.

I was a stay at home mum for about 8 years. I went back to work part time for a bit after my son, but then after my daughter was born, I quit my illustrious public service career. I went back to uni when my daughter started preschool.

My son has a brain the size of a planet but struggles with everyday practical tasks. He is quite brilliant actually, with analysis, complex maths, and he is an excellent academic and creative writer. But he can’t get leftovers from the stovetop to the fridge without asking for help to decide which container to use. Give me strength!! He is a musician. He sees and hears music in a way I don’t even understand. He is gay. He had a boyfriend for a while in yr 9. Their high school is extremely accepting, supportive and open about sexuality and gender, thankfully. He is into gaming and he and his friends compete in team events. I used to worry so much about the time he spent on line, he seemed obsessed. Most of our arguments were around this. I have come to view it a little differently in the last year or so, having spent a bit of time getting to understand it.

My daughter is very capable, good in a crisis and a very good friend. She has a good balance between an academic brain and a practical brain. She suffers from anxiety, social anxiety mostly, even though she comes across as very social. She is sees a psych at the moment. Sometimes this gets on top of her, but mostly she manages it. She is stubborn!! Not sure where she gets that from. Ha! She is a hugger and talker. There are no comfortable silences with her, she must fill them with words! She says she is unsure of her sexuality. She worries that most of her friends are very into boys and/or girls but she hasn’t even had a crush on anyone. She is also a musician and is in the concert band at school as well as a band with some friends.

My guilt is that my battle to keep some semblance of mental health has affected them. I have done my best to keep it from them, but sometimes that has made me unavailable and other times (very) difficult to be around.

[SH-2600]

Hi Tim

I have just found that I missed a couple of your responses on here. One where you said what happened to put a downer on finishing your diploma. I am so sorry I missed that. It sounds like rough day, and the impact it had on you even worse! What you say about the bad things having the weight of a boulder and the good things a pebble, rings true for me too. Changing that is so hard. And your self worth takes a big hit. It sounds like the things that went wrong last Sunday, had nothing to do with you, or your competence! Hard not to take it to heart though, I understand that.

So your diploma is not related to the BTh (theology right?)? It sounds like your IT job takes a lot from you too.

We are works in progress until the day we turn up our toes!

You asked a couple of questions about my last counselling session too. I don’t think the silence was purposeful, because she was shrugging her shoulders and saying she had nothing. We had been talking up until that point too. I think you are right in that this stuff takes a while. I need to go slowly and tread lightly too.

Thanks again for your care Tim. Be kind to yourself!

[Timshel]

I guess I do have an accent. Sometimes I get Canadian, sometimes American, sometimes Irish. The South side of Dublin, where I am from, probably doesn’t boast the strongest of Irish accents. Plus I have been away for a long time. If I were to spend some time at home my accent would definitely become stronger. My son thinks I have an accent, though I don’t think it’s strong enough for his liking. Every time I meet a new friend of his he asks me to ‘put on’ my Irish accent for them to hear?! I keep telling him that I only come in this model.

I read somewhere that, once you become a parent, you will never experience a guilt free moment again. You will always be questioning and second guessing yourself especially if something goes wrong in your kid’s lives. Like something you did or didn’t do might have caused them to come unstuck in some way. I do carry guilt well though (or badly??) but I try not to let it weigh me down too much. I just keep it around as a reminder to do better in the future. I have never understood people who say that, if they had their lives to live over, they wouldn’t change a single thing!? Not me. The first thing I would do is take back any hurt I may have been responsible for, even inadvertently. And I would definitely tell my parents how much I appreciated them and loved them more and how much I knew they loved me. I just hope they were aware.

When he was about 5 or 6 and I was having a mini-meltdown about not being the perfect mother, my son said something which has always stayed with me. He said, “Mum, you don’t need to be THE BEST Mum in the world to be the best Mum in the world!”. Out of the mouths of babes right? So cute. So sweet. It would have been absolutely perfect if, when I subsequently asked him if he thought I was the best Mum in the world he hadn’t replied, “No, HP’s Mum is. She’s the best. You are maybe 3rd or 4th best!”.Not even runner-up!

Your kids sound awesome. And smart. We will certainly need a few brilliant economic minds to guide Australia through the next decade or so of recession. And where does all the musical talent come from? Does your son see music through a mathematical lens? I love your description of him in the kitchen. Mine is the same. Christ, the complete dog’s dinner he always makes of the glad wrap and foil never ceases to amaze me! And the cheese!?

It’s great that your son feels comfortable in his own skin and it is equally fine that your daughter does not yet. Diversity and more diversity please.

[SH-2600]

I have to admit that I find an Irish accent quite lovely. We all have accents of some description! When I first came to Canberra, my Australian accent was very rural and I stood out. It changed quite a bit, quite quickly because I was very self conscious. My accent doesn’t have that rural edge anymore but my kids tease me about it because it slips back when I am with my parents or extended family. Timshel, Your “voice”, who you are, comes through very strongly in your writing, accented or not.

Bloody hell, you are such a good woman. I feel like you could go back to the people you felt you hurt because you would know who they are. Some people couldn’t do that, because they are oblivious to the hurt they cause. I am so sure your parents knew.

Your son was a wise little man. Hilarious but wise. I did my best to be the ideal stay at home mum too. I had it all going on for a while there too, until I broke! I learned that you have to look after yourself to look after kids. You know what? I would take 3rd or 4th best mum any day!! It means you are more likely to stay the course because you are most likely taking care of yourself too.

My kids musical talent does not come from me. I can’t clap a beat, at all. Well maybe for about 4 bars and then I am lost. I will sing in front of the 7 and 8 year olds I teach, but only some songs and not with another adult in the room. And I fake sing the national anthem at assemblies. I see it as sparing the ears of those around me, a community service! I think my son does see patterns and elements of maths in music. He likes complex music (prog metal and other obscure genres) but can hear every single individual part of it. My daughter plays music for fun, my son to work it out and break it down, if that makes sense.

Yes! Cling wrap and cheese incompetence in my house too. Lordy! It is beyond me how it is even possible to do that much damage to a block of cheese. Maybe my daughters forensic skills will help us solve that problem once she qualifies.

My son is comfortable with his sexuality. College has been a little different in terms of how accepting the other kids have been. He came across a little bit of homophobia early on but that has all settled now. He really struggles with the homophobia (and misogyny) in the online gaming scene. It is rife. Some of the game developers are doing things to fix it, others aren’t. diversity is a good thing. Hopefully the whole world will understand that one day.

How are you going today?