Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[Timshel]

Okay, so I’m back. It’s tomorrow, or rather today ??, well you get my drift. The night has passed and it’s a new day. And actually, at my end at least, quite a lot has happened. This morning, my husband and I had a massive blue and, even though today is his day off, I have sent him packing back to the office because if I didn’t I think I would have spontaneously combusted! To give you a brief rundown. The counsellor and the chihuahua cancelled our therapy session the other day because she was ‘sick’. Of the 4 sessions we have had booked with her since we began she has cancelled 2 due to ‘illness’. Which means to date we have actually only had 2 out of 4 counselling sessions (we are due to have a total of 6 but at this rate we’ll be finishing our counselling sessions in the sun lounge at our retirement home!). I have put ‘illness’ and ‘sick’ in inverted commas because, now that I have come to know her, I think the more likely explanation for her cancelling on us is the completely chaotic way in which she runs her practice. She always looks like she has just dragged herself out of bed, is never ready when we arrive (the first time she was still vacuuming), has no plan whatsoever when it comes to how the sessions are conducted, spends the first part of the session making coffee, spilling coffee, remaking coffee and then, once the session does get started, tends to get fixated on some ridiculous detail that one of us mentions in passing and spends ages rambling on about it. In the first session my husband mentioned his motorbike in passing whilst he was talking about something relationship related and she was off. She asked about the model, the power, the colour, the trips he’d done, the trips he wanted to do and so on and so on and so on. Like these were somehow essential details she needed to know in order to help us mend our relationship. It took me ages to try and ‘reel her back in’ and get us back on topic. Last week she spent 10 mins talking about paper shredders, don’t ask...Then, even when we are on topic, she can’t help turning the conversation around on herself, telling us all about HER relationship, HER family, HER life. I would say I know more about her than she does about us. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a nice lady and, once focussed, can make sense, but she’s just so all over the shop. She has run over time on each of our appointments, cancelling other appointments she has scheduled right in front of us, making up all these excuses..CHARACTERS AH!

[SH-2600]

Oh Timshel, bloody hell. That is crap. I am here and sending you a hug. I so wish I could do more for you right now. A cup of tea, a wine, a chat!

Is your husband home from work again, now? Are you feeling like you can talk with him this evening or do you need more time?

It sounds like you maybe need to look for another counsellor. She sounds like she really doesn’t have her act together. I know it means starting from scratch again, but it might be worth it to get some regular and consistent counselling. Relationships australia do an excellent job (we have used the before and other people I know have used them too).

I am here.

[Timshel]

Bottle of wine would be great thanks.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I can spot a disorganised mess when a I see one. I am one, or at least have been one since I was diagnosed with OCD. Although, even I can get my act together sometimes.

To elaborate. I am a born perfectionist. Have been since birth?! I was always perfectly organised and loved it. I WAS Monica from Friends! Remember her? I was organised when it came to my work, my private life, everything. I was always in charge, had all my s%#t together, people relied on me to pull things off and I did. I was efficiency personified! Then overnight KBAM! OCD struck. I just couldn’t concentrate properly any more, couldn’t think straight, kept going over and over things in my head, couldn’t move forward because my mind was always on rewind and so on and so on. Every area of my life was affected over time because my brain just kept seizing up. My life went from being this organised nirvana to a disorganised train wreck and, in so many ways, it still is. I am still a perfectionist in my head just not in practice! Everything takes me so much longer these days. I guess I am a more inefficient and disorganised version of the old me and I have had to really struggle to accept that. I still find it hard to be kind to myself, less judgemental, less demanding. There are still many days when I blame myself for not getting at least half way back to being the old version of me. I am super compassionate when it comes to other people’s struggles but I just cannot practice self-compassion for some reason. Self-pity, I can do, but self-compassion.......not so much. For example I always thought I would find parenting a breeze. I thought I would have my act completely together and be the best mum in the world. I was good with kids. I had spent my Summer breaks from Uni working as an ‘au pair’ for a family in Belgium and France. I had no problems handling all sorts of situations, any eventuality. Because, as well as being a freakishly organised planner, I was (and still can be bizarrely) a really easy going person. Really adaptable. Go figure! If I was handed a curve ball, I could quickly change position, stay calm and hit it out of the ball park. But OCD certainly pulled me back down to earth when it came to motherhood. I’ve found that really challenging at times.

So that’s how I know a mess when I see one!

[SH-2600]

Timshel, I understand that self compassion is really hard, I really do. So, If you can’t do self-compassion right now, just rely on my view of you, my care for you. I think you have had some bloody tough things thrown at you and I see such a survivor. You are incredibly compassionate with me, so let me give that back to you.

I see so much of that person you describe as the pre-OCD you in you now. Your thoughts here are incredibly organised, even when things are feeling tough. You drill down to the essence of everything, ask the perfect questions. You have an incredible intellect, and I really love that about you. You are also funny and warm and I love that too. I do remember Monica, my husband thinks I am a control freak, well a catastrophising, control freak were his exact words actually! The mismatch between perfectionist ideals and reality (which every single perfectionist experiences, because no person is actually perfect) digs into your head and heart. It hurts you. The past you is not all of who you are. OCD is a f$&#er. You have come through so much and it has changed you for sure, but your journey has made you better in so many ways. I see you now and I want to know you more.

Anyone who says parenting is a breeze is a bloody liar, it isn’t. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever do in your life. And most people don’t have the s$&t thrown at them like you have. It is like being asked to do a perfect dive with an impossible degree of difficulty, pikes and twists and turns. And it feels like there is so much much at stake. I see a lot of parents and families in my job and in my view, it is those that worry about the job they are doing that are actually doing the best. I think it is only when your job is done that you get to look back (with some rose coloured glasses) and think, oh yeah, I did alright.

I definitely think you need to cut the counsellor loose and look for a better fit for you.

I am partaking in a gin right now, so imagine me sitting across the table!

I am still here.

[Timshel]

The gin and tonic looks good!

So now for the best part! As we were lying in bed this morning, I mentioned to my husband the possibility of another counsellor. But he isn’t keen. He doesn’t even really know why we are still going to this one. WE’VE HAD 2 SESSIONS for Christ’s sake!

I have heaps of issues still. Like why he felt he had to look outside the marriage for someone else to have emotional (and physical) intimacy with when I’ve been talking about that for years. How his ‘relationship’ was his decision. I didn’t ‘drive’ him to it. (He didn’t exactly say that but he keeps saying I pushed him away but it was both of us). How there have been a couple of other incidences where he has looked for that emotional intimacy with other women, friendships I grant it, but nonetheless he kept them from me. He just seems more willing to put the effort into other relationships. I have read some of the correspondence between him and this other woman. Not sure that was a good idea or not, but that’s me, I have to know exactly what I’m dealing with, always. (My mother-in-law passed away from brain cancer almost 3 years ago and I reckon I did so much research trying to help her I could have qualified as a brain surgeon!). Anyway, he was just so much better with her. Thoughtful, engaged, romantic even! I have tried to get him to make more of an effort for years. Even given him examples on how he might improve, just small stuff like having a deeper level of conversation! But what he did was take everything I ever said to him and put his effort into someone else. He said it was all fantasy, that he wanted from her what he wasn’t getting from me and as soon as I told him I didn’t actually hate him like I’d said, he just wanted me. He’s been all over me like a rash since then but still struggles with the emotional intimacy. He thinks everything is sweet though. I do not. He’s getting what he needs from the relationship, I am not. He just can’t see what I mean at all. I’m sure he wasn’t like this when we were first together. Or maybe I just can’t remember. Or maybe we are too different now, like chalk and cheese.

He has just got home from work and is acting like nothing happened. He always does this. I can’t talk to him now, my son is here.

A lot of what you said in your last posts really resonated with me especially the whole need versus want thing.

Enough with the Esti post already! I’ve just put that one to bed myself (metaphorically speaking of course!)

Go eat dinner!

[SH-2600]

The gin was my dinner!! All of the necessary food groups. Actually that isn’t true, Friday nights are GYO (get your own) in our house, and we eat whenever and wherever we want. My husband has his headphones on in another room watching something on his phone (as usual), one kid is in the kitchen complaining there is nothing to eat and the other has just made themselves some elaborate pasta dish and a Chernobyl style mess in the kitchen. I am on the lounge with my feet up talking with you.

I don’t know how you get past your husband seeking intimacy with another woman. I wish I could tell you.It is hard knowing that he put so much of what you needed from him into other relationships. I am starting to think that long term relationships get to a critical point at around our age. At my work alone there have been 2 separations and one saved marriage in the last 12 months (all in late forties, early 50s), and now my marriage. I think maybe the key is that we do change, sometimes we change together and sometimes we don’t. I certainly feel that in my marriage. Sometimes if you have changed in different directions you can come back together, if that is what you both want. It seems your husband now thinks that everything is fixed. I don’t know how you make him see otherwise.

Do you think your husband was committed to working on things in the 2 counselling sessions you did have? What will you accept from him in terms of moving forward? What about the need vs want? What do you want and what do you need?

Esti’s post is bloody hard to leave behind!

SH

[SH-2600]

So I was just reading back through your posts. You have mentioned your husband not taking responsibility before. It seems like this is one of those non-negotiables for you (understandably). Perhaps it is more than that, maybe you need him to make amends.

I don’t understand his aversion to counselling, maybe it is just that he thinks everything is ok, or that he is afraid of digging deep, or is afraid of the change counselling may bring. I hope you get a chance to clear the air a little with your husband tonight or over the weekend. I know it is hard when your son is in the house.

I am thinking of you. I hope you manage to get some sleep.

I am still here for a bit too, listening to some tiny desk concerts.

[Timshel]

The liquid diet! I like it. You make me laugh. You remind me of someone I used to know.

What do I need? What do I want? Need is easier to answer for now.

I NEED to be a mother to my son. He can be a real handful though! When he was young he was perfect. The most beautiful, easy going, loving little kid. My gorgeous little buddy. A little eccentric and very wise. In recent years, he’s become quite self-entitled, very like his Dad and all the men in his Dad’s family actually. His mum saw her role as being the best wife, mum and grandmother she could be to all, but the boys were always special. I think that’s part of the reason why all the men in the family are so spoilt, so selfish! Although there may be a genetic component too. My psyche used to say that, in his opinion, people were born spoilt. He had 5 kids. They never wanted for anything, were pretty spoilt actually, yet they turned out to be really generous, giving people. Likewise he has know kids from poorer backgrounds, kids you’d think would grow up knowing the value of things, kids you’d think would always empathise with those less fortunate because of their own life experience and yet, incredibly, they turn out to be the most selfish, spoilt people you could ever meet. I don’t know, nature? nurture? a bit of both? I just hope my son turns out to be kind.

My family were the complete opposite, my Dad especially. He was special. He would have given anyone the shirt off his back. He never had to teach us about kindness or generosity. He just exuded it and I think we learnt from him. Or, once again it could have been genetic. My boy has a wonderful soft side too thankfully. He is the most amazing, loving and caring friend. I guess you could say he has always been one of the popular kids. Sporty, funny, likeable. He has an army of friends from school, through sport etc. but he still stays very true to his childhood friends, likes to make sure they are okay. There is one boy especially who is a bit of an outsider, a bit different. He worries about him, says he will always look after him and make sure people don’t pick on him etc. It’s a lovely relationship to have watched develop over the years. I also saw him as a boyfriend. He had a girlfriend for about a year and he was just so thoughtful and attentive. I look forward to seeing the man he will become.

If your friend were to change her mind and want to be with you, would that be a no brainer for you? How honest will you be with your husband?

[Timshel]

You’re absolutely right SH. I do need him to make amends, sort of like proof that he is taking our relationship seriously going forward. I don’t want him to feel regret, I want him to show me he is regretful. He is not good at that. I guess you have to really think you were in the wrong, that you really hurt someone you care about, to want to make amends. He still makes excuses, like I am half to blame. I am for the stonewalling and pushing him away like I don’t care and for other things too, but not for him becoming intimate with her.

I know he loves me, I do. I can feel that from him. I could even when we weren’t together. I think, no I know, that is why I pushed so hard against him. I felt I could do that safely, push the boundaries as it were. That was wrong of me. It was manipulative and cruel. I just thought that by pushing him away I would get him back if that makes sense. But I have admitted I was wrong. It was stupid and childish and I should be ashamed. It is not the sort of person I want to be. But he is so so pigheaded by nature, very hard to get through to. I never expected him to go down the road he did though. Guess I learnt the danger of playing games the hard way. Christ, you’d think I could have learnt that as a teenager but I just never felt the need to play games before.

In some ways he has always been more afraid of what other people think of him than me. With this other woman I asked him to block her on his phone after he ended things, but he didn’t want to do that because he said it was never his intention to hurt anyone, her included. But yet, by not doing that he was hurting me. I didn’t have anything against her per say (she was too good looking though, he was punching above his weight just like he has been with me all these years of course!!!!) but I did want him to put my needs first.

He’s always been a bit like that. Worried more about what others will think of him, even his own family members, than me. We’ve talked about this even in therapy. He sort of sees it now, but it’s taken him a while. He has made some changes through counselling and I do think in some ways we have become closer.

But it still bugs me, the way he can’t recognise when I am hurting. Or won’t recognise? I think he might be afraid that making amends will include being more honest, publicly as it were, being prepared to show himself in a bad light, even to his family.

Just my ramblings. Tiny Desk Concerts, like them?

Thanks SH. Talk soon. Big hug.

[SH-2600]

Your son sounds quite wonderful. What 15 year old isn’t a bit of a handful and self-entitled though? They are finding themselves, negotiating their relationships and navigating the complex world. Their brains haven’t fully developed yet, and it is those parts that are the seat of empathy and selflessness and that higher executive functioning that are still to come. And yet your son already has so much of that. Plus he has your genes and your example as well. The way you describe him, you have nothing to worry about. Your love for him comes through in that last post too and it is really quite beautiful. Your love for your Dad too. He sounds like an incredible man.

I don’t think wealth matters when it comes to how kids turn out. Love, safety and good models matter, more than anything. Genes too. But some people have limited resources for raising children, not so much financial resources but personal resources, because of the way they were raised, because of circumstances etc. This sometimes impacts.

My friend won’t change her mind, but it would be an almost no brainer. It would be complex as hell, though. She is in Melbourne, I am here. Her kids lives are in Melbourne, mine are here. Neither of us would want to leave our kids. I don’t even know where we would start!

I have to talk to my husband about the sexuality stuff I think. It feels like a part of me now and I think it is important in terms of emotional intimacy that we discuss this. I don’t know if I should/can tell him about my friend. I don’t know what the right answer is there. I think I would want to know, but then maybe wish I didn’t. I am acutely aware that I am doing to him what your husband did to you. I know that I have breached trust and will need to make amends if I decide to commit to our relationship.