Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[Timshel]

Probably not a bad outcome considering the carnage I left in my wake! I’d tell you about it, but it’s probably a bit too graphic for this space. There was an incident involving the upending of a hills hoist though that I have to say I WAS kinda proud of, if I’m being honest. Did NOT know I had those sort of throwing skills left in me. I reckon I could have put a few NFL quarterbacks to shame! But then there was also that poor family who had to cook and eat 2 of their pet egg layers before the kids got home from school. Told the ankle biters they’d gone to live on a luscious green farm in the Southern Highlands apparently!?

I also have to follow a Court Order for the next 12 months. No more reading ‘Telepathy for Dummies’. In future, if I want to develop my telepathy skills, I have to undertake a certified course with a licensed training provider. Fair enough. I mean, it WAS the frustration at not being able to hit the mark with my mental telepathy skills that provided the catalyst for my early morning rampage in the first place. I know that now. Truth be told, my practice sessions with my dog should have alerted me to the fact that I sucked at telepathy. Poor animal spent 2 days turning in circles chasing his own tail, obsessively! You live and learn!

Just a random question S. Have you ever practiced a little thing I like to call ‘reverse operation’? It’s a practice whereby, as the title suggests, you take any nominated activity and carry it out in reverse order. In other words, from the end to the beginning: so that what is last becomes first and what is first becomes last. For example you could eat a 3 course meal by starting with the desert and working your way back to the entree. Or you could watch a movie from the end credits to the opening credits. Or, you could do what I did last night and read a piece of written material from the last page to the first.

It can be an incredibly insightful experience. It’s amazing how much more your brain has to concentrate when you are doing things in reverse. You tune into things in a totally different way. You become hyper vigilant, paying attention to every single moment, reading every single word or turn of phrase diligently. You pick up on things going backwards that you would never even notice going forwards. Amazing really!

BTW, I just made all of the above up so please don’t waste your time googling it or anything ..........

Sleep well Ms. SH.

Yours,

Timshel

[SH-2600]

I am still smiling.
So you have had your day in court, been hung out to dry (on the newly erected hills hoist), your neighbours have let the bygones go by, the chickens are cooked (sometimes you can't find a bloody goose when you need one), the eggs are back in baskets and the girls are back in town, life is not that tall, and the brick is in your court, so to speak. That is probably enough mutilated idioms for one sentence! You get my drift. There is one thing left to do, if you choose to of course. Actually, maybe put the brick away first, you are a bit dangerous with that thing!! Maybe you could just shout out a yoo-hoo, or coo-ee. I have my ear to the back fence.

S

[Timshel]

Hey you,

Th brick is indeed in my court. The problem is I only know one way to throw it and that is work, let me tell you! So unless you can suggest another way?? I’ll be chucking that thing like the champion quarterback I am!! So you may need to put a cushion over your head because you’ll never know where or when it will strike!!

I am off to another day of football and mayhem soon. Thankfully the day is fine and pregnant with expectation (nobody says that do they? do they? I’m really loosing it!). I think I may have done my brain some damage in the last couple of days. Poor organ hasn’t worked as hard in ages. I think I may be offered a place at Cambridge one of these days. I always fancied myself as being the next Professor Alan Turing!

Speaking of Cambridge (were we?), anyway. A few years back the daughter of an older cousin of mine won some contest held in Dublin and was subsequently offered a place in Cambridge reading (if I was sending a child of mine to Cambridge, they’d better to something more than just read...) mathematics, logistics, linguistics, computer science, cryptoanalysis (sp?) and so on and so on and so on. The very same day, my son (who grant it was quite young at the time) came downstairs wearing a blue sandcastle bucket with an orange handle on his head, something which became somewhat of a semi-permanent fixture for years to come. I thought to myself, why even bother? I mean really, why!! It was a long way to fall that day, a loooooong way. Still, it’s been a hell of a ride, one beautiful free fall.......

I shall return.

Timshel

[SH-2600]

Hey you too,

Your poor boy! Haha, that is quite cute. Funny thing is that I think my kids had the exact same bucket. I hope you got photos of him in his bucket hat, because just as it is our job to give unsolicited, awkward relationship advice, it is also our job to pull out embarrassing photos of them to show prospective partners, friends etc. It would be perfect for when you steal Roaming Brian’s microphone!

I hope you are enjoying the footy on this lovely Spring afternoon. I have sworn off it for a while after Geelong’s performance last night!

Do you have an exciting Saturday night planned? Mine is a bit quiet. I have to log in to my work email later. After a week of parent teacher phone interviews last week, I saw I had a few extra questions emailed my way! I couldn’t respond last night as I have a very strict rule about not mixing cocktail hour and work emails!

I have been thinking about your brick conundrum. I have a couple of ideas for ways of getting it to the right place but I will wait and see what the outcome is. A Messenger service maybe?

As a complete aside, last night N and I became Facebook friends for the first time. I kid you not, this is an absolutely true story! We are both believers in the old adage that the sign of a good relationship is that there is no sign of it on FB, so we had never bothered to become FB friends. Neither of us really have much of ourselves on there anyway. I had told her that I had relaxed my privacy settings recently, and I was wondering if I had gone too far. She found me very quickly. Luckily she had seen photos of me as a child. Anyway, now we are friends on FB, it feels a little weird as our friendship has only ever been offline.

Yours,

S

[Timshel]

Hey again,

Hope you are enjoying your quiet Saturday night. I also plan on having a quiet night at home, just catching up on some emails and the like. Nothing too strenuous!

We’ve had a hell of a day at the footy. A member of my son’s 15s side suffered a major concussion and suspected neck and spinal injury and had to be taken away by ambulance. It was pretty scary stuff as the poor kid just couldn’t move. The match was delayed for almost an hour with all the boys, on both teams, visibly shaken. Not to mention the team coach (who also happens to be an old work colleague of mine) and of course the boy’s parents. It was really awful. The boy is also in my son’s class at school and they are quite good mates. After the 15s match we then had to race across town to another venue for the 17s match. Junior was really worried for his friend but somehow managed to regroup and play his 2nd match. We found out just a little while ago that the boy is still in hospital but doing okay thankfully. No lasting neck or spinal damage which is great news. Just one hell of a concussion. My son has been snap chatting with him and he seems in good spirits. Hopefully he will return home soon. Lucky boy! I’d never seen such a serious Aussie Rules injury before. I knew a guy back home who became a paraplegic playing Rugby at around the same age. But Rugby is a sport that lends itself more to spinal and neck injuries, or so I thought!

Anyway, just wanted to touch base with you SH. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Talk soon,

Timshel

P.S. Don’t you worry about it. I have many, many anecdotes prepared for when I get hold of Roaming Brian’s microphone. My boy is absolutely petrified, PETRIFIED! But hey, that’s exactly what parents are supposed to do right? I have traumatic memories of times my parents embarrassed me. My mother especially. I still haven’t quite recovered. Although I am also quite skilled at (and more than capable of) embarrassing myself on occasion.........

[SH-2600]

Bloody hell Timshel, that is scary. I am so glad the boy is ok. It is hard to watch those injuries, well any injuries, in the adult game let alone with young people. A parent’s worst nightmare. It Would bring up a lot of the fears we all have for our kids. Your son did well to back up for another game, though. It shows he has a pretty tough mindset. It sure would have taken the wind out of everyone watching on.

My night is pretty quiet. I am attempting to read a book but am a bit scatty with my focus, so having to re-read chunks of it several times!

S