Do gender diverse people (LGBTI or Q) have the right to seek their own happiness without considering the effects on their families or friends?

[Clare1]

I believe the correct term for someone who has no consideration for the feelings of others is sociopath! And I guess there are one or two LGBTIQ gender variant sociopaths out there, but I haven't met one yet (and I hope I don't). So even though we may have the right to treat other people any way we like, I can't imagine any of us being so callous and self-centred.

I have always thought that we gender diverse people, having been through the years of teasing and shame, tend to be more sensitive, rather than less. I would much prefer to hang with gay, lesbian and trans people than "normal" ones...we seem to be better listeners, easier companions, more able to show empathy. So we are probably more likely to be gentle and sensitive about our own pursuit of happiness than others.

And those of us who have enough self love to take the risk of seeking our own happiness might have enough of that love to have some left over for the people in our lives.

[white knight]

Hi Clare1, welcome

I so want to reply, but it isn't easy. I'm a straight 59yo guy. My contact with Gay men goes back to 1977-1980 when a prison officer at Pentridge jail and my problems with my GF at the time near sent me around the bend. My comfort? a couple of trans gender inmates that were housed in a cell with a mesh door. Each night on duty I'd walk past and get the very best of relationship advice ever received. They were kind, caring, considerate and ...well my friends. No other officer knew at the time of my discussions.

Then over the years I've met some gay guys that were in turmoil over "coming out", their family members reactions to same and life itself, their loneliness. But in my travels I've also met straight people of the same depth of character but less per capita so to speak.

When young age people are more prone to worry over others reactions to news of your sexuality. Older people tend to say "that's me, take me or leave me". That hurdle of announcing to the world your sexuality is a tough one but I'd say go for it regardless of your loss of close friends or family. However-

I had a friend of a friend that in a predominantly male working environment went from a male worker to fully dressed in a pleated dress, permed hair and make up the next. It was too much shock to bare and the workers had a field day of bullying and intimidation. Is that fair- no. Is it understandable- yes IMO. Sometimes the transition is too much for some to grapple with at zero time notice. A lessen there for some. To make the transition a little gradual. One has the right to do this however but we are not yet in a society that can jump from Neil to Noelene overnight.

If anyone is LGBTIQ then you have that basic common denominator to share. Close friendships among you would be invaluable. Whereas straight have to take their chances and negotiate more of a minefield of different emotions among others to find their compatible friends.

Tony WK

[Clare1]

You're absolutely spot on, Tony And thank you for the welcome...

Your two points...firstly, we do have to consider other people's reactions when we make changes. I performed the most gradual, gentle, considerate transition from Anthony to Clare within a workforce of 8000 people. I must have done it well, because I was treated as a kind of school, project, everybody wanted to participate!

I know that if I had done it with less consideration and discretion, I would have copped a lot more flack. It's all about respect for other's world view.

And your second point, it's so easy to imagine that "normal" people have a much easier time with relationships, friendships etc. But maybe they don't! I can't comment, because I've never been "normal". But I do know that since coming out and living as my real self, for the first time I have the most amazing friendships, deeper (I believe) than all the friendships I see the normal people enjoy.

[white knight]

Hi Clare1,

Well there are misfits in the "normal" sexual world. So that might dispel some of your thoughts there. I think I'm one of them. Joined the RAAF at 17yo and didn't drink or smoke. Soon I realised that this was one reason why I didn't fit in. 12 months later I decided in one day to do both due to the tension in my life from being an outsider. Got drunk and decided to smoke. Suddenly I was like for my antics, I became the village clown outside working hours and a cigarette giver between battle marathons...I was assured of popularity from then on. Silly isn't it? Anything apart from being the estranged shy kid was welcomed.

No different in the jail environment as a warder. One old warder was right, it wasn't the criminals to watch for its your colleagues. Old school attitudes like asking for advice to get a reply "I learned the hard way- you'll learn the hard way". Not to mention in times when you required back up and they vanished. What about the footy culture? No place for a sensitive "soft" guy.

I wrote a manuscript once. Called "Black clouds dancing". It has heaps of poetry of mine and talks about 3 characters. Tony (the sensitive guy), Anthony (the manic guy, the soldier that hates Tony) and Tony Russell who is Tony under medication years later who shuts Anthony down so Tony can live a manageable life. One day I'll get it printed. I completed it about 8 years ago. In the post time of that period only the most melancholy people have had a chance to read it. If I gave it to some male friends they would scoff at it. A male world can be a cruel one. Many believe beating their chests is more important that the soft heart within it.

In 1988 I was given some tapes. The man on the tapes was Maharaji or real name Prem Rawat. His my idol. Google - "Youtube Maharaji prem rawat sunset" and you'll see what I mean. In one tape he tell the listener to watch a sunset. I did, it takes 2 hours. Few have watched one start to finish. It's amazing to feel the sun- appreciate. Another one is called "the perfect instrument" - which is our body.

What percentage of men (normal) would be in touch with their sensitive side?Not many. We cant share things. Only in recent times we have learned to hug each other, but not all. Yet many of my male friends endorse a recent Facebook tag that asked "would you stay up all night and talk to your friend if he was suicidal"? So they do care, just are not sensitive or melancholy as it portrays weakness.Pity.

Tony WK

[justinok]

Hi Clare again! At forst  I thought this was similar to your other thread but your key question is around, thinking about the effects on other people.

I can remember when I came out to my religious parents, there was a lot of anxiety about what other people in our church would think, or what the neighbours would think.  I still get angry now when i think about it, what business is it of theirs?  

Ilearned years later that my parents had copped a lot of shit at church after it got round that I was gay. They never told me this at the time, probably because they recognised how hard it was for me. This made me love them even more, because it wasn't all roses when I came out.  Knowing that even though we weren't getting on at that time, that they were still sticking up for me... my coming out had consequences for them, but like I said in the other thread, we can't allow ourselves to internalise OTHER people's prejudice and problems.  

If anything, THEY are the selfish ones because they are saying that their right not to be upset by having a straight little Barbie & Ken world is more important than our right to be who we are.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Clare,

My experience is that when LGBTIQ community is at it's best we are family, and it feels like that. I genuinely think of others in the community as being like brothers and sisters. Some of my longer lived friendships are with older lesbian friends. I am honoured to have had the opportunity to hear the stories of their lives, the struggles of the 60's 70's and 80's, the joy of the times when they could forget the worries of others and be themselves.

Everybody has the right to be themselves, if difference is uncomfortable then there is a need for us as a community to support change. There are people who stand up for LGBTI people and I feel incredibly grateful for them. When we celebrate the individual stories and lives of our community there is much to be proud of. Having read some parts of your story on here Clair, about your transition, let me say I am proud to have you in this world and my community. 

Rob.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Clare/Justin/Tony/Rob,

This question is such a complex one to answer. The impact that an individual's affirmation of their gender/sexuality/intersex identity on their family and friends is different for everyone. So many factors, such as personal beliefs, the community beliefs, cultural norms, etc. 

When I read the question, I kept thinking "What is the impact on a non-cisgender person who doesn't seek their happiness because of the potential impact on family and friends?" Most people (in our community) would say it would be a terrible existence, I think. To lie about, to deny one's true self (which is constantly changing) to others, I think, is a disservice to family, friends and the community. If one denies themselves to family and friends, how could the relationship be honest and authentic?  Every person no matter how they identify, has something to give to the community. 

My experience when I was coming out was that I, too, gravitated to other LGBTIQ people. We have a shared experience of self-discovery and discrimination, which cis-gender and heterosexual people usually (but not all, thankfully) have difficulty understanding and empathising with. I was afraid of their misunderstanding and judgement when I didn't understand myself yet either. When I was coming out, most of my friends were LGBTI, now I have some very close friends which are cis-gender and heterosexual. 

It has been a long journey, one that I am still on, to appreciate the values that I have because of my experiences as a LGBTI person. Compassion and empathy for others, especially the disadvantaged and minorities, is definitely not bad things, and the community is richer because of it.