Disabled lesbian depressed over loneliness

[hotwheels47]

I'm a lesbian in a wheelchair looking for love. Unfortunately, there are no support groups in my town, I live an hour north of a major city in Qld but I don't drive, or go out at night due to safety. I want to meet somebody special, but people can't see past the wheelchair and are not interested. I find myself becoming more introverted, and feeling a bit down.  Before, I was always extroverted, and outgoing,  but now I see myself changing and I don't like it. How do I overcome feeling as if my life is over and I am still only 46 yrs old.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear hotwheels,

You are brave to try and connect with such a disability in today's "perfect" world where we must all buy "the hit" or wear "the IN thing".   I was thinking that "looking for love" was way too much.  Whatever happened to "looking for a friend" or at least "looking for a wheelchair repair lady" ?

What are you favourite things to do ?   Observing them of playing a small part will connect you with like minded people and the sexual orientation can be an extension of that kind of casual meeting.    I wish 'Scotty2013' would see this thread and respond.  He is always posting similar ventful gender sex issue threads and then resorting to an old joke we have that everything mental can be cured with a touch or burnt pavlova.    I guess you really do need support and yet your situation doesn't have much.

This might be a case of relying on the internet.  Beyondblue won't connect you with anyone's details directly but you can respond till the cows come home with many, many, many responders.   I've responded quite a bit and was surprised how matter of fact your thread was.  There's no screaming or swearing.  You just state the problem and then come up with the understatement of the year:  "I find myself becoming more introverted, and feeling a bit down".

You are one suave, elegant woman.   Not sure whether comparisons to your former extrovert character are  helping.  Might want to try and accept where you are and move on.   A little luck would help.  

I was remembering a pub scene from the comedy "Little Britain" where the wheelchair bound actor is trying to get attention from the comedic partner.  (Sorry, my brain is foggy this time of night from the Blue Mountains fires still raging and all the smoke in Sydney - I had my windows/doors closed all day - so I can't remember the actors names).   Anyway, whilst the partner goes up to the bar for drinks the one in the wheelchair tips it over on it's side and falls out onto the floor, striking an artistic yet helpless poise.  As a final touch he spins one wheel around and  then waits for the attention.

Sounds crazy but worth a try at a pub near you.   There'll be help, a free drink and someone might walk you home.    It's a start.     If you get a match you can say afterwards that you were throwing yourself at your eventual partner.  If that's too hard then grab the darts and throw randomly at the nearest group of girls.  Lol. There's an old song "Love is right around the corner" and I think the double meaning is that you never find anything unless you look for it.

Adios, David.

PS  I'm the husband with the wife & 3 kids.   Talk about boring.

[Chris_B]

Hi hotwheels47,

First you have to get used to being the minority, then being a minority-within-the-minority.  Us gay men have it easy.

When I lived in New Zealand, it was common for comedians to make an "exaggerated" minority joke by referring to "Maori disabled lesbians", as if they didn't exist, and I always wished I had a spot on TV because I knew one, an accomplished academic, and I thought it would be funny to actually have her on a panel show - visibility is so important, and that's before you even get to connection.

Not that I'm downplaying the difficulty of dating with a disability, but living in a rural area and being gay or lesbian is always going to reduce an already small dating pool.  I know quite a few single guys in rural Victoria who are homebodies because they find it difficult to meet other men without travelling into the city.

Have you been living in your current location for very long?  How did you organise your social life before the depression, when you felt outgoing and extroverted?  What do you think has changed in your life?  Has the difficulty of finding a partner just gradually started to wear you down?  

Have you tried any online support groups or dating sites, just to get that sense of connection happening?  There are plenty about, and if you are keen to talk to women who understand exactly what it's like to be in your situation, there are even some sites around that are specifically for LGBT people with disabilities.

This section of the forums is one of the quieter ones, but I hope you'll come back and chat to us some more.

[thepuffer]

Hi hotwheels47. I'm in a similar situation and desperately lonely after a bad breakup full of abuse, physchological and physical. I have bipolar2 and due to her abuse have had back surgery which has failed, her stalking resulted in me falling on top of a suitcase in the dark last April where I fractured my pelvis just below where I had had the spinal fusion and they also discovered a broken coccyx. Due to her chronic alcoholism and her own bipolar and gambling addiction, she would get really angry and take it out on me. We have mutual friends who come and help me, provided I keep 'friendly with her. The Domestic Vilolence police in our area even took her side as she is wel known in Welfare in the area and turns up to work sober everyday. I am mobile enough to drive but used to run 12 km a day, now I can't mow my lawn. She is getting away Scot free while I am permanently disabled. I live in the South Eastern suburbs of Melbourne and I'm not able to meet anyone else. I wan't to move on with my life, I want to have her and her sister charged for stalking, bullying and harassment and worse. They have broken into my house called emergency vehicles on me on a more than weekly basis until I had a total meltdown and ended up in the same psych hospital we met. I have lost my love for life and my self esteem has taken such a battering I don't believe anyone would ever want me. I joined an online dating site but she tracked me down through that so I had to deactivate it. The police have told me when I am physically able to walk in and speak to their detectives face to face they will listen. I don't think that's ever going to happen. I have so much love to give and only want to be loved and find a healthy relationship with mutual support, trust and understanding. Instead I feel washed up and worn out at 45.

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi thepuffer,   Thank-you for sharing your story with us on the forum. What an ordeal you have been through with your ex partner. It sounds like even though the relationship has ended there is still a lot going on that is causing you distress.   It’s great that you have been taking steps to try and move on like trying online dating. We’re sorry that didn’t work out for you the first time but perhaps this is something you might be able to try again (perhaps without a picture or giving away too many identifying details).   It sounds like it would also be really important to perhaps try again with the police and not lose hope. Like you have said it’s a real shame that you feel like she is getting off scot free and you are left disabled and in pain.     We hope that you also don’t give up hope on finding the relationship you are looking for. Perhaps one of the main things to think about in trying to ensure this happens is to do your best to look after yourself to make sure you are in a space where you are able to share your life with someone.   This situation would have to have a huge impact on your mental health. If you have a regular support team or person we would encourage you to contact them (like a GP or psychiatrist) about how you are feeling. If you currently don’t there are lots of support options for you including our helpline who you can contact on 1300 22 4636.   We also wonder if there might be some support groups. Perhaps through your local council that you could connect with that might be helpful.   Thanks again for posting and please keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on via the forum.

[DaneSaysYay]

i know its been awhile since your post.

i had an idea, but dont really know your disability level, plus im a dude and can only guess at girl girl relationship dynamics etc..

no it brings me to sports, with the likes of sporting wheelies and disability associations if you are able you could always try a wheelchair based sport and with grants ou may be able to get to events and meet other gurls in your similar situation.

i was in a wheel chair a few ears back in hospital and somewhat know the issues of hetting around and what people whisper behind your back and such, but try maybe just mixing with people a bit, i dont know if ou can volunteer or network in some way, but just remember people know people and who knows ou may meet someone special through one of theese people and at the least by getting out there, you might get to the big city for disabled sporting events. i know lonliness is a hard one to deal with, but someone told me, love happens when you are not looking for it, so just an idea but a social disabilty sporting association or disabilty group of artist and support groups might be a go, and you never know some of theese ppl, might be up your way and betraveling through, give you a life etc.  stay positive and good luck in love

[Heavy_Hearted]

My advice is get your licence girl Disabled doesn't mean you can't drive Isolation is what is keeping you where you are. You will also feel better about yourself when you have a greater amount of independence and disabled driver you would be no robinson Caruso in that area its a viable option and a chance to greater improve your ability to socialise and as far as loneliness someone said to me something that I kept in my mind as I found it profound Better to be lonely than with someone and alone.

[zatromitos]

Hi hot wheels...

Well... I don't know much about what you must be going through, but... I'd love to be a friend, you know for when it gets lonely.

[ChiiefRogue1sd]

Hey Hotwheels47....I feel you...I am a 47 yr old lesbian from W.A....a cancer and stroke survivor with Rheumatoid and Osteo Arthritis...since my operations my whole life has changed...I used to be an extrovert also and never without a partner...now I feel like maybe there is nobody out there for me....anyway hunni...I would love to chat to you if you'd like...x Keep your chin up babe...!! 

[ChiiefRogue1sd]

Hey thepuffer....I replied to Hotwheels47 and I would like to extend the same reply to you....if you would please read my reply....and if you'd like we could chat also...Im sorry you've been treated so badly by your ex....Im an ex martial arts instructor and would love to come visit and kick her butt for ya....winks...Stay Strong hun...x