How to get over a married man

[hevno-hadrim]

I'm an 18 year old bisexual male who recently got out of a 2 month agreement with a 28 year old married man. I am unable to call it a relationship, because it wasn't anything like that and I was basically a boy toy. I knew what I was getting into, and I agreed with it all. He even told me himself, that I shouldn't get attached, mainly because I was only a temporary change from old routine. During the beginning of our agreement, I felt absolutely terrible. Not because I was attached, but because I felt objectified and worthless. I felt down, and lacked the motivation for simple tasks and all I wanted to do was sleep. Eventually, I did get attached and that made me feel even worse. I became impatient and reckless and even told him to run away with me. I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted to feel like something more.

He just did little things which convinced me that he actually cared for me, when the truth is, he didn't. I came to realize who I was and what I was to him; as well as who I wanted to be and decided to end it. I felt terrible that day, and that was the motivation I needed to end things. ended it last week on Friday (I think) and on the first night the break up went smooth, but then he began sending me messages telling me im dramatic and over exaggerating and I haven't opened them yet because I don't want to. The second day of our break up was the worst, I couldn't stop crying and feeling as if I had made a mistake. I really just wanted him back. Now its Monday, and I'm feeling a lot better but I can't help and still regret my decision. I do miss him and I do want him back, but I am trying to keep it together.  How do I overcome these feelings of loneliness?

[white knight]

Hi HH, welcome to beyond blue forums

Time.....is the answer to many things and the healer for your wounds.

We all go through life with lust for others. I'm the happiest married guy you's ever meet but I see a nice girl on TV and I melt. The error would be to take that further. And in your case- you took your feelings further.

Another aspect that I've always beleived that with some people love can only be replaced with love. Once you go through that process and yuor heart is settled then look back...you'll know you did the right thing.

Take care of yourself HH     Tony WK

[hevno-hadrim]

You're right, I did. Thanks for the reply, much appreciated!

[justinok]

Hey mate,

Feelings of first attachment are really intense. I reckon you've learnt some good things through this to go forward:

1. Don't hook up with anyone who's already attached and

2. Try to stick with guys around your own age.

I've always run into trouble when I've broken both those rules.

[Doolhof]

Hi Hevno-hadrim,

Anyone having a relationship with a married person or with someone already in a relationship will always feel second best as far as I am concerned. That is what I have experienced anyway, unless that person does make the move to leave their original partner.

It is really tough when you fall in love with someone and you think the relationship is going to last for ever and you will both be happy and true to each other.

Right now, I suggest you just delete the messages from that guy on your phone and not contact him again.

Catch up with friends and family, go out and have a good time. Build up your self esteem again, think about all the good things you do have in your life right now, and as someone else mentioned, try to form relationships with people more your own age.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi HH,

This is the old cat and mouse game at its best, you being the young naive mouse and him the older cat ,he only wants to serve his own purpose and yes you agreed but your youth is none the wiser and thought it would all be ok, and now you are left having those feelings.

It is a life lesson so don't feel bad, but he is certainly not worth your time, attention, your body or your mind, which should be shared with someone who deserves you.

Now you have backed off , he needs the attention and he probably knows deep down the pain he's caused, don't give him  the satisfaction of knowing what  this has caused you, he is 28 and should know better, obviously he is very selfish and doesn't care about you, his wife or even himself.

There is no reason to contact him again, he's not worth it, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you and you will have lots of fun and adventures, he will be a distant memory soon, don't let it get you down.

Be strong and put yourself first cause you are worth it!

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

I just wanted to comment about your post to HH. The advice you have given him is wonderful!

I could have done with your wise words when I was a teenager!

I hope that HH reads your words and that he finds encouragement in them.

From Mrs. Dools