Coming to terms with my maybe true self

[brooookiee69]

Hello Everyone!

I am just recently in a new relationship and my girlfriend is absolutely wonderful and by far the most supportive person I have ever met in my life. She is helping me through this hard time which is of course coming to terms with the fact that I may or may not be trans. I believe in myself ever since I was young I should have been brought into this world as male and not female.. Although growing up I wasnt aloud to be the "boy" I wanted to be, I was a girl. 

I am struggling for the fact it is like figuring out whether I was gay or not alll over again and it is so hard! I am finding myself to be a lot angrier in myself and I am starting to take it out on my  girlfriend and I do not want that! I cant help it though.. Is anyone going through the same thing? If has anyone been through this that could maybe give me some advice?! 

Please... 

Thank you.. 😞 

[Jacko777]

Hi brooookiee69,

Welcome to he Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you are talking about this and I hope with some support and advice you can find the clarity you seek. I have no experience with this but I am always here to listen and chat. Do you have a psych or counselor that you could talk to about this?

Have you tried meditation? It has helped me a lot in the past to control my anger and help me to train my brain to focus. Just a little bit each day can make a difference.

If you get stuck you could ring the BB phone service for some advice, they are there to help. What things helped you to work out if you were gay or not? Hang in there mate, you will work this out.

Jack

[Chris_B]

Hey brooookiee69, welcome to the forums.

Below are some threads you might find helpful:

 Strangled by the woman within

 transgender girl... loneliness, depression and anxiety

15 year old boy struggling with transgender thoughts and feelings!

Also, I've just replied to another one of our members with this same info - have you heard of an organisation called Minus18?

They provide peer support for same-sex attracted and gender-diverse young people all over Australia. They also have an onlineforum where you'll be able to speak to other young people experiencing the same feelings - it's a bit busier than our sexuality and gender identity forum.

[cuteclaudia]

Hi

I'm actually a transgirl... well.. at my age... transwoman and really feel for you.

Your anger in yourself is very common for transgendered people... I certainly suffered this... before and early on in my transition I really struggled with hating myself and this came across as me being frustrated and very short with the world around me. I guess you could say I was very irritably.

Like you, I knew very early on that I was in the wrong body, around aged 9 and was forced to go to an all boys school which was hell for me... I guess my parents thought I could be cured.

When I finally came to terms with who I was, I did have some support at first, not a great deal...so you are very lucky... you certainly have an amazing girl... my suggestion would be to track down a good GP who knows about transhealth and get a referral to a therapist who specialises in trans therapy.

If you can, get your GF to come with you if she's willing so you can work through things together... that is the one thing I wished my partner would have agreed to as without help for both of you there's a good chance you may not make it through... as its a huge thing to do.

If you do feel you cannot cope with being the gender you currently are and need to transition, sticking together is hard, I'll be honest, though it sounds like you are well and truly supported so I feel you will make it together.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to give you names of GPs and Therapists, but if you need some details and I can give them... just let me know... I've researched this for over 20 years before I got the strength to do it and to be honest I picked the best I could find and it has made it an easy road medically for me.

I won't lie and say its easy... I'm alone now and do worry I'll stay that way forever... and I'm a lucky one... I've always 'passed' very easily... though i'm hoping that will change when I get SRS near the end of this year. But emotionally, if you girls can stay together it will be best support you can, as that is something I didn't have and all I can say was... its been the tougher road I've ever taken.

take care and be strong ❤️

[luney]

hello

I sympathize with what you must be going thru right now, like you I have a very understanding partner and I am struggling with the same thing myself, I have always known since  early adolescence that I was in the very least bi, but due to geographic's and a very closed minded family it was actually illegal for me to act or express myself the way I felt inside, leaving me some what homophobic and hating myself extremely bad, to the point, well I'm sure you can join the dots. so having already been thru it once totally does annoy me, to put it nicely, with the possibility that I may (or may not) be trans and I empathize with your anger. I had to keep everything to myself thru my first realization and I feel that old habits die hard, because of the fear evoked in me thru childhood, I find the same emotions and sterotyping finding their way back into my head. 

I have a very loving friendship (that's all it is now) with a hetrosexual woman, because its kinda hard to say to her, I don't want to BE WITH you, I want to BE you and then continue on as if nothing happened and even if we do break up I know we will always be friends, because its her friendship that's kept me alive and given me the strength to face the music so to speak, but most importantly allowing her to have a voice and raise concerns as a friend, allows me to see an honest interpretation of how I appear from the outside looking in and how my actions effect her, because we all must remember it's not all about you (formal you).

[Jacko777]

Hi cuteclaudia and luney,

Welcome to the forums luney, I just wanted to say, I think it is terrific that you have both shared your feelings and experience, it will help, good on you both. Just terrific.

Jack