coming out to your partner that you are trans question

[fluidangel83]

OK here it goes even though im not sure how to word this. I have battled Anxiety, Clinical Depression and what i now realise is dysphoria over my gender since i was in my teens (im now 39) i have come to realise that im pretty sure im a trans woman but alas i am married with a child who i love very much.

I know the consequences will be bad if i come out to my wife because she is about as homo/trans phobic as they come (a fact i didn't know even after knowing her for 4 years before we started dating). She already knows im bi (in fact im pan but its just too hard to explain to her the difference) which ended up in a massive verbal barrage against me and her threatening divorce

After spending a few days away from her on my own embracing my femininity I feel like something has changed in me and im not the same person i was when I left. Im scared that going back to playing the cis hetro husband is going to break me because i cant fight who i am much longer.
 

[sunnyl20]

Hi fluidangel83,

I am sorry to hear how much you are struggling. It sounds like it was truly empowering & worthwhile to have time away from your wife, even though it has left you torn. While I do not know your full situation, from what you have described it sounds like living your true self is something that is very important to you, and that continuing to fight against this in order to live up to your wife's expectations & to avoid conflict may be unsustainable. Is there someone that you are close to & trust (who maybe also knows your wife) that you could talk to about this with? Until you feel clearer about what you want & need going forward & how to talk to your wife about it, are there ways that you can still embrace your femininity & tap into this part of yourself?

Take care, & of course, please do not hesitate

[mmMekitty]

Hello fluidangel83, & welcome.

I wondered if you are seeing someone for your anxiety, depression & the gender dysphoria you mention? I think it could help more if you are talking to someone such as a counsellor or psychologist. Is this something you have considered or are doing now?

Also, you might like to talk to someone at Q Life, ph:1800 184 827. They also have webchat on their website.

mmMekitty

[geoff]

Hello Fluidangel, thanks for your comment and I'm sure being in your position makes it very difficult, but your wife knows that your bi, so you're half way there.

She may already have a feeling that you are beginning to feel or lean towards being trans but too afraid to mention it because of your child, but whatever age your child is they would have picked up how you move, behave and even talk as kids can very quickly up these differences.

You can't hide what you feel you are because at times you may slip up and not cover yourself properly, so eventually it will be noticed.

I always say that kids are better off in two happy families, rather than one unhappy family, and as your wife knows you are bi then it's possible to come out and tell her the truth, so you can't hide the inevitable.

Take care.

Geoff.

[fluidangel83]

I should correct my statement in that my wife knows that I'm bi/pan but lives in denial because in her words You married a woman so that means you are straight and we will never speak of this again 😞

its so tiring hiding the most amazing part of myself and i know one day i will just break like a dam wall and it will all spill out but i just cant fight against myself much longer 😞

[fluidangel83]

Today feels harder then usual for some reason 😞 The dysphoria is kicking my butt big time and i feel like a fraud around everyone 😞

[sunnyl20]

I'm really sorry that today is feeling particularly difficult. Not being able to let your guard down & feeling that you cannot be yourself is so isolating & exhausting.

Have you considered contacting QLife? They are a great resource for LGBTIQ+ folk & you can contact them for free & anonymously on 1800 184 527 (3PM-midnight, 7 days a week). They also have a webchat if this feels more comfortable (https://qlife.org.au/).

Take care

[fluidangel83]

sadly i have tried Qlife but the webchat is always offline even after 3pm 😞

[sunnyl20]

That is a shame. I'm sorry. Have you tried the phone line?

[geoff]

Hello Fluidangel, I understand what you are saying from what your wife has said, but if I can give you an example, you both purchase a house you initially love, but as time progresses, you discover there is more work and expense needed to bring it back to being in good shape.

Now you change your mind and wished you had never bought it, rather than your wife who is excited about it's future, so now you both differ and disagree on spending money on fixing it up.

How you feel and what you were when you married can change, people get divorced, although I'm in no way suggesting this at all, and although she knows you're bi, doesn't mean she may not be thinking about this, and to say ' we will never speak of this again' is only pushing something away that needs to be addressed because pretending won't suffice.

Geoff.