Coming out is a lot more difficult than I thought it'd be

[ashi]

I'm under 16 years old, biologically female, and I identify as transmasc. I do plan on transitioning when I can and have the money to, but right now, I really just want someone to call me by the name I want them to, or just use he/they pronouns instead of she/her.

My school has a transgender support pin board, which helps me feel a bit more confident, that was until I heard a few of my friends comment things like "Ewww" or "Transgender week is over, why don't they take this down?" and even calling some of the transgender people ugly. I know they could just be joking, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have said that if they knew I was trans, but it hurts to know they would actually say that.

My friends don't have anything against the LGBT+ community, some of them don't understand much of it but they've respected it, well, besides that situation mentioned before.

I'm also worried about talking to the teachers, I've gotten along with most of them, and it makes me feel safe when I see the pride themed tag thing they wear, but I'm still not confident enough to go up to them and say "Hey, sorry to bother you, but during class can you call me ### instead of ###?", if they comply, then it would be awkward to talk to my friends if they notice and ask why the teachers call me that instead of my supposed name.

Most importantly though, I'm 80% my parents would hate me if I told them I was trans, my mom is somewhat open to the LGBTQ+ community, though again, she's not very well educated in that, but she's had some strong beliefs in how woman or men should act, and she strongly believes I'm a strong woman, which is great, but how am I going to go and tell her "Sorry mom, but I identify as male" and just kinda break what image she conjured of me? My dad is complicated, I doubt he hates the LGBTQ+ community, but I also doubt he'll be okay with me being trans. My parents are currently divorced, my mom lives in China while I live in Australia with my dad, so if my dad kicks me out, there's not much I can do.

The help I'm asking for here though, is should I come out to my friends and/or my teachers? I feel like it would be a big step forwards, but maybe too big.

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

It sounds like you're navigating a lot of complex emotions and situations, and you're handling it with incredible thoughtfulness. First, know that your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be respected for who you are.

And I think you would understand this, but I cannot answer your question you put at the bottom of yur post, but I cam give you some things to think about so that you might be able to work out what would be best for you.

There’s no right timeline, and your safety and comfort should always come first. You’re brave for even considering these steps, and it’s clear you’re thoughtful about how to move forward. Deciding to come out is deeply personal, and it’s okay to take your time.

Does your school have a counsellor or similar you could talk to? They might also be able to point you in the right direction with regard to resources and next steps?

Take each step when you’re ready.

[Croix]

Dear Ashi

I'd like to join Smallwolf in welcoming you here to the forum. Smallwood gives good advice.

You know who you are, however declaring it to others is a problem and it not something that can be taken lightly as there are consequences -unfortunately not all reactions are good.  You have thought abut a lot this however it has not given you a clear path to follow. I'm sure it is also rather frightening and you may well feel all alone.

Perhaps one reason is you have been concentrating on 'coming out', which means basically everyone gets to know - an all or nothing process.

There is of course the 'inviting in' course of action, in which you may invite a trusted friend or professional to see you as you are. Even one person recognizing you can be a surprising comfort and a boost.

You are contemplating what to do for the first time, and like many first ventures getting assistance from those wiht expereince can't hurt.

If you have not done so already can I suggest you contact QLIFE, talk with them and see the resources they have available. They also have a lot of links for each state/territory that may help.

There is no need to rush, even though the fleeing to be recognized is strong waiting for the best time can make things easier.

You know you are always welcome here

Croix

.

[sbella02]

Ashi, thank you so much for reaching out, I commend your courage in opening up, coming out to us here, and sharing your story with us. You could consider this your first experience of coming out, if this is the first time you've put it into words to somebody.

I'm really glad to see that Smallwolf and Croix have given some great insight here, I'm here to extend this advice with my own, as a queer woman who has been involved in LGBTQIA+ spaces for a while now.

I'm quite familiar with the tug-of-war experience that "coming out" brings. There are always those questions in the back of your mind of "will this person accept me for who I am?" or "will my relationship with this person change?" or "how will telling this person affect the course of my life?". It's a balancing act, and the good news is that we don't have to rush into it if we're not ready. As refreshing as it is to have somebody tell you that they accept and embrace your identity, there are certain contexts in which we may not feel comfortable revealing that aspect of ourselves.

Even if there's one person in our life who is fully supportive and accepting of our identity, this can be really impactful. If there's somebody in your life who you feel would be this for you, they may be a good person to approach if you are ready to tell somebody, or would like to start opening up to people about your identity. Whether it's one of your teachers who has been wearing a pin, or a friend of yours who you feel is very open and loving, even a school counsellor, as Smallwolf has suggested. If you're worried about how you might tell somebody, you may find that you'd feel more comfortable saying that you're a part of the LGBTQIA+ community in general, or that you're questioning your identity - these can be easier ways to open the conversation that put less pressure on you. Coming out can be highly personal and can be quite a stressful experience, especially if your acceptance and realisation of your own identity is recent. 

There's no time limit on "coming out". It can happen as quickly or as slowly as you'd like, it's your experience and you're in control of who you let join you on your personal journey. You don't have to tell anyone at all if you're not ready to. 

You're in control here, remember. We're here to support you if you'd like to chat with us some more, and I'm happy to share aspects of my own experience with coming out if this is something you think you'd benefit from hearing. 

Take care, SB