Closeted parent?

[ABitConfused]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, am not LGBT myself but I'm looking for advice on something a bit related.

So - my parents are in their 70s and still married, I'm in my 30s. I've recently accidentally discovered (quite a lot of) gay pornography on my dad's computer. I get that it doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. Or it may be something he's been curious about just recently, or it may be something he's been curious about for a long time but never worked up the courage? I sometimes feel like I'm making something up out of nothing, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and going over things in my head.

I want to stress that if it's true, I don't have a problem with it AT ALL. It's just that this has come as a huge surprise to me, and even thinking about the possibility of this has thrown up questions and thoughts that I'm still processing.

I am definitely NOT talking to anyone else about this (except strangers on the internet, ha), especially other family members. I suppose I just feel like there might be something I should do about it. I'd hate to know that there was something I should have done or said but did nothing. Obviously it would be very embarrassing for him to know how I found out (how could it not be), but I'd like to do whatever I can to support if he needs it.

Would it help at all to talk to him about it? If I was to ask about it, what would be the best approach? Just a wild guess but I don't think "hey dad...are you gay?" would cut it. I'm at a loss as to how I would even bring this up. Of course, he may just deny it and that would be the end of that.

I also understand that saying nothing might be the best option. There may be aspects that I haven't considered, and saying anything at all would only hurt, not help. It ultimately is not my business and everyone deserves their privacy. And I may just be totally wrong about this. Should I just let him try to work through it on his own, coming to terms with the fact that he may never do so in his lifetime?

I just, I don't know. I feel very awful and sad for him, and it pains me to imagine that 1. maybe there is a part of his life he felt he has always had to hide, even from his children, 2. I know growing up in the period he did (60s, 70s) would have not been easy for anyone LGBT, and I suspect his parents would not have been sympathetic 3. he will eventually be gone at some point, never having told anyone about it. But maybe that is his wish and I could respect that.

[Just Sara]

Hey and welcome Confused;

I don't know if you're a son or daughter, but I'm glad you've come on board to discuss this interesting topic.

What you're contemplating is a bit of a pickle 'for you' and what could be an A-Bomb for your dad. He's a grown man first, and then your dad 2nd ok.

I'm much older than you (mid 50's) and if I found out, I'd leave things alone. He'd come out if it was appropriate for him; but then I'm probably a bit biased.

I haven't come out to my family (as Bi) and that's the way it stays as far as I'm concerned. We're not talking about anything that affects family members unless they find out of course, which is where you've found yourself.

My son wouldn't be concerned either, but it's not something I want or need to share. If my folks found out it'd be WWIII or the Inquisition! I won't be leaving a note in my will either.

The thing you need to consider, is if there's harm or danger to anyone and I don't think so from what you've said. It doesn't affect anyone close to him does it?

Sexuality sits on a spectrum and it's common for people to fall between the lines (as I do) Your dad may well use these images to gain pleasure or he may use them as a tool for arousal with his wife.

On the other hand, if he's indulging often, your mum would be affected more than anyone else, however that's for them to work out in privacy. She may well already know.

Unless you have a very good reason to out your secret, (and him) you'll also have to discuss 'how' you came to find out in the first place. This won't sit well with him as it's very intrusive.

If you think about his embarrassment, and what might be deep seeded shame/guilt as a result. You'd be wiser to swallow your inquisitiveness and walk away with your relationship still intact instead of challenged or even severed.

I know you don't want to risk this, so it's best I feel, if you talk about 'your' feelings on here instead of the what-if's. That's your dad's business..

Please return and let me know how you are ok. I'm more than happy to engage. These are my opinions only, so if anyone else has something to add, please don't hesitate to contribute.

I hope all goes well..

Kind regards;

Sez

[Guest_161]

Hi AbitConfused.

i bet you are shocked at this finding just as i would be if i found my dad looking at gay porn .

Have you suspected anything in the past about this with your dad ? A thought also popped into my head while thinking wow if this was my dad and i would be trying to excuse the images but are they not the sites that pop up if your computer has a virus, i know my parents computer once did this when i lived there i would be on the internet and pages would continuously pop up ?

[ABitConfused]

Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate your time. I'm very ignorant about LGBT matters (not deliberate..mostly due to my social circles etc) and it's great to have somewhere to ask these things.

Sez:

Was really hoping to get a perspective from someone like yourself, i.e. someone with older kids who is not out to their family. What you say makes sense.

I've been doing a lot of reading on the internet around married men in this situation and in a lot of stories you read about how the pain of keeping it secret is unbearable. I guess in my ignorance I thought that for sure my dad was going through the same thing and I should do something to help. Your answer lets me quiet the thoughts I've been having like "should I say something? what if I don't say something and he secretly wants me to? what if I never say anything until it's too late and I regret it?". So thank you for that; it helps a lot.

No harm being done as far as I know. I'm not sure if mum knows, I suspect she doesn't.

I'm ok with this. Don't think I conveyed this well in my initial post but I would actually prefer to do nothing, just had a nagging feeling that maybe I should be doing something. For me now it's just needing to sort through some kind of odd/new thoughts. Like maybe my parent's relationship was more complicated than I ever thought. Or, if society was different in my dad's time then maybe us and our kids wouldn't even be here. Not thoughts I ever thought I'd be having but it is what it is.


Guest:

No, have never suspected. Not once in my life has the possibility ever crossed my mind. I think this is why this has sent my mind spinning so much.

It did occur to me it might just be from popup ads or something, but I don't think so. It really was an accident, he asked me to copy over a photo from my phone to his computer, so I plugged in my phone, opened up the file explorer and a bunch of videos just..showed up under recently played.

Parents, siblings and I all live in different cities, it happened while we were all there visiting for the holidays, so it's certainly not something I can keep track of (if I wanted to, which I don't - that does seem quite intrusive).

You're right though, if it's just down to my curiosity then for sure better to say nothing. I would only bring it up if I thought it would help in some way.

[Just Sara]

Hey again Confused;

You've taken a really common sense approach to your situation. Well done! I'm glad I was of some help too.

You're right about some married men (and women) struggling with hidden sexuality issues in old age. Our community has many resources now to explore those subjects if they choose to seek support. So please don't worry about him having help if he needs it. He's obviously IT savvy; access to info is only a mouse click away. 🙂

I hope your fears (and uncomfortable what-if thoughts) have been evaded and know the love between your dad and you will continue to flourish.

Warm thoughts;

Sez (hug)