Anxious and in limbo with relationship

[marcus_c]

OK so here's my story...

I've been seeing a guy for pretty close to a year now. We message each other everyday, we spend most of the weekend together, including sleepovers. I've met his closest friends, and some of his family. We are monogamous. He holds my hand and expresses physical affection for me in public.

Sounds great, right? But I'm anxious about the future of this relationship for a number of reasons:

1. He doesn't like to use the word 'boyfriend' or 'partner' when describing me. He describes our status as 'dating'. I've expressed discomfort at this, because of how casual it sounds, and his response is that he is uncomfortable with 'heteronormative' terms.

2. He is still in love with a former partner, who no longer lives in the country. They finished up probably a year before we met, and are still in contact. He has been up front about having these feelings (although he hasn't used the L word) and has no plans to move to be with him. He has said he always plans for this person to be in his life on some level.

I have been in relationships before where the other person is really avoidant, and I end up being the one chasing. This doesn't feel like that, but it still seems to have some of those anxious elements that make my head spin: part of me says he doesn't want to commit, yet I can point to so many things about our relationship that are committed, more so than other relationships I've been in.

When talking to him about feeling that I don't feel secure from one day to the next where we are at, he points to all of the stuff I wrote at the top saying he doesn't know what else he can do to make me see that we are on and I should just assume that things will continue as they are.

I'm not so clingy that I expect to be moving in and getting married straightaway, but I would like this in the future. I don't know whether to hang around hoping our relationship will evolve, or whether to cut my losses before I get any deeper. I love this man, but I don't know if things will evolve from here. Am I being unreasonable?

[Gruffudd]

Do you have friends and family to distract you? you might have neglected them but go and find them again. Personally I rather like Bridget Jones Diary, Notting hill... with chocolate ice-cream too. Certainly this forum can be a good place to let out some of the story when sympathy is required, breaking up is the worst, I think you are right to go back to those things that are about you.

[marcus_c]

My family are all interstate, and while there's no issue withme being gay, I can't really discuss this with them in a way that they will understand and I will feel comfortable.Maybe it's like this for straight people too, but I doubt it somehow.

Friends I will definitely be calling on.

[Gruffudd]

I don't know what it is like to be straight so can't comment too much there either, I find the same with my family they don't quite get it and it feels awkward. I do find doing stuff with mother is good therapy we can do coffee and travel, go shopping and talk about anything else and it is good for me.

[marcus_c]

They'll be supportive when I tell them and will worry about how I am. That's the main thing, isn't it?

[Jacko777]

I don't know what it's like to be gay Marcus but I know what a relationship breakup feels like, I think being supportive is all you can ask and you should make contact with your family.

It will be up and down but I agree with you, it will be great for you to remind yourself of who you are. And as you can see you will have plenty of support here. Hang on through the waves mate, they will reduce with time, stay focused on your new journey.

Jack

[Gruffudd]

Yes, good to know they care.

[pipsy]

Hi there. Marcus, I'm not gay, but when a relationship breaks down whether it's gay or straight the pain and hurt is real. I'm separated and when my hubby chose to support his parents over me with their unacceptable treatment of me, the pain was almost unbearable. I chose to leave the home, so in that way, you're in a slightly better position. I've had no parental support to fall back on as my parents are deceased. I have two kids who've been amazing, so I've been lucky. The forums have also been very supportive and helped me 'find' myself. Had I known what I was marrying into, I would've walked away. I realise you're in pain, but you are luckier than most in that you found out before you got in too deep.

Hoping you're starting to feel better.

Lynda.

[marcus_c]

So, last night was the night I knew he was going to be seeing the ex. I finally broke down last night and did a lot of crying, imagining them together and grieving for the loss of what (I thought) we had. I felt like going out for a drive to clear my head, but I knew that I couldn't trust myself in that state to not drive round to his place so I called a friend instead.

I am very lucky. After sending just a simple message saying, I need some help, this friend came round with some snacks and drinks and we chatted for a good couple of hours until I'd calmed down and the feelings passed. I am so grateful for that love and support. It was good to have my feelings affirmed as well, to know that I was not wrong in ending this. You know when you feel something is wrong in a relationship, but you keep asking yourself "maybe it's just me, maybe I'm overreacting"... so good to hear an outside perspective from a close friend to tell me, no you were 100% right. My only regret is that I didn't say anything sooner, but I trusted this man and wanted to believe the best in his intentions.

That affirmation has opened a few floodgates, and the love-tinted shades have come off. I'm now starting to recall further things from our relationship that seemed like red flags but I chose to ignore. I wrote them down this morning, just to get them out of my head.

It hurt to be reminded of these things, but it has left me thinking that I may have been lied to or misled more than I thought while we were together. I know thinking these things isn't going to change what happened, but I do think it helps in a way because it is a good reminder that I have done the right thing.

Hurt is hurt, and I think I can ride those bumps with support. It's the tiny little voices of doubt that wish for reconciliation, or think that maybe I was too hasty that need to be snuffed out.

[Paul]

Hey Marcus,

You're amazing. I say that because you've done what I always failed to do. Realise when enough is enough and then write down the red flags and be able to see them. This is great. Sometimes the red flags can be "normal" for one relationship but "real red flags" for another.

There's a really good resource on here that might help explain some feelings that may pop up in the near future. They usually do after a relationship ends. You mentioned grief - that's exactly what these resources are about. grief is more often than not a process that takes a bit of time. The more understanding of it, the better we are able to navigate through and understand where sometimes strange and inappropriate emotions are coming from.

From the menus at the top, "The facts" then "Grief and loss" there's some great articles.

Stay in touch and let us know if any of the grief information helps.

Kind regards

Paul

[marcus_c]

Hi Paul, thank you. I'm all on top of the grief lol. I just posted to someone else on here about a breakup that she might want to look up 'the five stages of grief'. They are very true, the swinging between anger, depression, if only, all that.

I found his Recon profile at the weekend which really hurt. There were things in there he was into that I didn't know about. I don't think he cheated on me during our relationship, but I can't be 100% sure. I was talking with a friend about it last night, and he said, it's actually better if you don't know because there is nothing you can do with that knowledge other than get more hurt. And I don't want to be one of those forensic detectives who starts going picking through things to try and find out... what exactly? I already know it's over, and I already know the broad strokes of why.

I just need to keep finding the strength to resist doing that sort of thing. Last night I wrote down some ideas for specific activities for me to do if I get those urges.