Anxious and in limbo with relationship

marcus_c · ‎11-04-2016

OK so here's my story...

I've been seeing a guy for pretty close to a year now. We message each other everyday, we spend most of the weekend together, including sleepovers. I've met his closest friends, and some of his family. We are monogamous. He holds my hand and expresses physical affection for me in public.

Sounds great, right? But I'm anxious about the future of this relationship for a number of reasons:

1. He doesn't like to use the word 'boyfriend' or 'partner' when describing me. He describes our status as 'dating'. I've expressed discomfort at this, because of how casual it sounds, and his response is that he is uncomfortable with 'heteronormative' terms.

2. He is still in love with a former partner, who no longer lives in the country. They finished up probably a year before we met, and are still in contact. He has been up front about having these feelings (although he hasn't used the L word) and has no plans to move to be with him. He has said he always plans for this person to be in his life on some level.

I have been in relationships before where the other person is really avoidant, and I end up being the one chasing. This doesn't feel like that, but it still seems to have some of those anxious elements that make my head spin: part of me says he doesn't want to commit, yet I can point to so many things about our relationship that are committed, more so than other relationships I've been in.

When talking to him about feeling that I don't feel secure from one day to the next where we are at, he points to all of the stuff I wrote at the top saying he doesn't know what else he can do to make me see that we are on and I should just assume that things will continue as they are.

I'm not so clingy that I expect to be moving in and getting married straightaway, but I would like this in the future. I don't know whether to hang around hoping our relationship will evolve, or whether to cut my losses before I get any deeper. I love this man, but I don't know if things will evolve from here. Am I being unreasonable?

Jacko777 · ‎12-04-2016

Hi Marcus C,

Perhaps you can push forward with your desires, do the things you want and if he is not willing to partake you can find out why. I wouldn't worry too much about the words he chooses to use for your dating status, they are just words and he is obviously rather focused on the terminology. You could check your self to see if you have an underlying expectation of loss, I know I do and it has affected all my relationships, perhaps that security you desire can be found in your own mind. I now practice believing that everything is good until I'm told otherwise.

And I think you should forget about his ex as well, just focus on being his new love.

Jack

Gruffudd · ‎12-04-2016

Hi there Marcus,

It really does sound great. I don't know you are being unreasonable to think things over, it sounds like you use some different language to describe the same things sometimes.

My history of relationships is a bit complicated, what I think of is that where it has been a good thing it has been worth enjoying that time because there is no way to know exactly what is going to happen next. It also reminded me of those times where I acted or spoke out of anxiety alone and how destructive that was. It seems to help to focus on the good bits ignore the stuff I don't like if possible.

Rob.

marcus_c · ‎13-04-2016

Thank you both. I have decided this has to end, sadly. I think the first post made things sound a little too rosy. This ex is still very much in the picture. In fact, he is back in the country at the moment (albeit temporarily) and my partner (or whatever term is preferred) wants to meet up with him and tell him how he feels. He seems to think I will be ok with this. I'm not. Devastated. I think I'll be here for a little while for support.

Jacko777 · ‎13-04-2016

Hi Marcus C,

Sorry to hear this Marcus. But I am glad you have the strength to draw the line, you don't deserve to be hurt. You can come and talk here any time...all the best.

Jack

pipsy · ‎13-04-2016

Hi Marcus. I do feel sorry for you, you've entered the relationship thinking it was THE one. Obviously your partner still harboured feelings for his ex and because of this was unable to commit. I don't mean this to sound cruel, but maybe your partner was on the 'rebound' from previous relationship. Unfortunately, you came along at the moment he was at his most vulnerable. While he initially said he wasn't going to join his previous partner, he then said his long term plans included him. I think you've done the right thing 'pulling the pin'. I realise it's hurting now, but the longer it continued the more painful, as your feelings deepened. Hopefully, you will eventually meet the right one, and your life will be the happier because your next partner will be right for you.

Lynda.

Gruffudd · ‎13-04-2016

Hi there Marcus,

That is a bit sad, I hope that making this decision releases you from all of those negative feelings tied up with liking someone who is looking somewhere else. My last relationship ended kind of like that, he ended up going back to an old girlfriend and having a baby - I still feel all sorts of conflicting things there. You are most welcome to stay around. I'd love to hear your stories and take on life and am happy to hear about what is happening now.

All the best.

Rob.

marcus_c · ‎13-04-2016

Hi Rob, that's really hard. When he left, did you cut off all contact?

Gruffudd · ‎13-04-2016

Well, I wanted to cut off contact and tried for a time. Living in the country that is not possible unless one of us leaves town forever. So there have been many uncomfortable moments and some perfectly fine ones. I think it stirs me up because deep down I like him still even though it wouldn't be a good idea for anything more to happen.

So what next for you?

marcus_c · ‎13-04-2016

This will sound really airy fairy (maybe I'm in the best place for that lol) but I need to get back to being me again. I put a lot of myself into this relationship, as you do, and friendships have fallen by the wayside as a result. I need to get excited about life again without him and remind myself of the good things that I'm sure will lie ahead if I can just get through this bit. But the waves of loneliness, hurt, anger, resentment, and worse, are pretty hard to stave off sometimes. I know all the techniques. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.