I want to be me

[Find_Your_Feet]

Hey all

In the past couple of months I've been questioning myself and why I deliberately set out to ruin my straight relationships. I broke up with my boyfriend before Christmas due to these feelings.

I think I'm a lesbian. And to be honest so many times throughout my life my friends and family have asked me if I am due to my lack of interest in relationships and I guess to an extent my behaviours. I have very male orientated jobs, I play male orientated sports and I actually know quite a lot of lesbian women and have no issues hanging out with them.

I guess I was too stubborn, I didn't want people to tell me who I was and I've done all I can to be what is socially acceptable although whilst doing that I have made myself unhappy. I'm annoyed with myself that I didnt identify as being lesbian in high school because I feel I've made things harder for myself now being 27 having to explain myself to my friends and family and honestly this is causing me a great deal of anxiety and stress.

I don't want to lose friends over it because they're either uncomfortable or feel like I've been lying to them this whole time. I didn't even know who I was.

I have been with girls before and the more I think about it the more I recognise that they were more comfortable situations for me. It felt natural. When I've been with men I've had to force myself and tell myself that this is what I want.

One of the girls I've been with is a friend who identifies as straight and I'm concerned when she finds out she will never talk to me again because she will think that I want to be with her which is not the case at all. But I do want to maintain that friendship with her.

All my friends are starting to get married and start families and I don't want this to put me on the outer as I love all my friends but I want to start being the person I am meant to be and start living for myself. It's already taken 27 years!

any suggestions this is sending me crazy!

[Paul]

Hi Find Your Feet!

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. Nice to see you here and be able to have a chat.

I get the feeling from your post that the whole labels thing and what others will say is upsetting you. You've already done a lot of the hard work by explaining your feelings about other women, friends and straight relationships. I feel you've arrived at a place where you know what you want.

There are just the parts that surround what you've identified within yourself and how that's expressed to the outside world. I mentioned labels. They are a bit of a pain in the butt sometimes. It's like I go up to people and feel as if I'm saying "Hi I'm gay" not "Hi I'm Paul" That can be intense and uncomfortable. There's a compulsion to do that sometimes. I rope myself back and try to remember that I am "me" no labels apart from my name. I really don't HAVE to explain myself or my story to anyone. There's one exception, and you have described it several times. People who are really important to you. it's definitely fair enough that those we love get to know who we are with a bit of an explanatory label, but no one else matters.

So; Do you think a step by step approach will do the trick?

First step is to really know yourself - I think you are there!

Next step is to identify what you want, if you want a relationship now, or the near future or even some time much later. Do you want to mix with the GLBTI community or a social group of like minded lesbians?

Next step would be to identify those who are special to you and ought to know who you are. This step CAN be difficult but it can be made much much easier by knowing yourself really well first. By removing any doubt and accepting the awesome person you are who has had the courage to write in and show us who she is.

It's SO much easier to explain who you are to others when you know who you are first. I sincerely don't mean this an insult I mean this as the kindest of advice.

I think that once you take these few steps then the rest will fall into place.

With regard to your good friend who you have been intimate with, I'm sure that an honest chat with her when you are ready will definitely help. From what you've written, I think if you explained that you were unsure of who you were, you shared an intimate moment and understand that she is straight and respect the boundaries. You'll find the right words.

Till then, please stay in touch and let us know how you are feeling and how things are going.

Paul

[Find_Your_Feet]

Thanks Paul

I just need to find the courage to be honest with my friends. My anxiety isn't helping with that at the moment but I'm hoping once it's all out I will be much happier. The way I feel and behave at the moment isn't healthy.

your response makes a lot of sense thought thank you again

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

I always thought that the people who really need to know my sexuality are the ones whom I might be getting friendly with. If they haven't figured it out by then, we are both in trouble really.

Relationships seem to be the most complicated thing. One of my friends has had relationships with both men and women. She probably is more comfortable with women but that doesn't take away from the good parts of her previous relationships with men. I have observed that she is the same fantastic girl now that it is all out in the open, most have recognised that, and let her be what and who she is. The key was having the conversations, especially the awkward ones, and being open to the others taking that same journey she already had been on in the months before.

You know I have always been open about being gay and the truth is that I have had crushes and more with straight friends, it definitely has made for awkward moments and conversations, it got sorted, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I would hope that you and a partner should you have one around would be welcome in your friends lives regardless of sexuality. My ex had a couple of boys and they would have loved an aunty like you, someone who could do the sport thing better than either of their dads. At some point marriage will arrive and I think that will flow on to more change and acceptance of our relationships on equal terms.

Life might be a rollercoaster with all this, but in my experience it does get better. Please feel free to come here to talk, to have a complain, and to celebrate. Remember you are worth it.

Rob.