Anxious and in limbo with relationship

[marcus_c]

OK so here's my story...

I've been seeing a guy for pretty close to a year now. We message each other everyday, we spend most of the weekend together, including sleepovers. I've met his closest friends, and some of his family. We are monogamous. He holds my hand and expresses physical affection for me in public.

Sounds great, right? But I'm anxious about the future of this relationship for a number of reasons:

1. He doesn't like to use the word 'boyfriend' or 'partner' when describing me. He describes our status as 'dating'. I've expressed discomfort at this, because of how casual it sounds, and his response is that he is uncomfortable with 'heteronormative' terms.

2. He is still in love with a former partner, who no longer lives in the country. They finished up probably a year before we met, and are still in contact. He has been up front about having these feelings (although he hasn't used the L word) and has no plans to move to be with him. He has said he always plans for this person to be in his life on some level.

I have been in relationships before where the other person is really avoidant, and I end up being the one chasing. This doesn't feel like that, but it still seems to have some of those anxious elements that make my head spin: part of me says he doesn't want to commit, yet I can point to so many things about our relationship that are committed, more so than other relationships I've been in.

When talking to him about feeling that I don't feel secure from one day to the next where we are at, he points to all of the stuff I wrote at the top saying he doesn't know what else he can do to make me see that we are on and I should just assume that things will continue as they are.

I'm not so clingy that I expect to be moving in and getting married straightaway, but I would like this in the future. I don't know whether to hang around hoping our relationship will evolve, or whether to cut my losses before I get any deeper. I love this man, but I don't know if things will evolve from here. Am I being unreasonable?

[Paul]

Hey Marcus,

Great idea to write things down to counter the urges. I think the biggest one you mentioned is that the relationship is over. In your mind it's over, it might take a little while for your heart to catch up, perhaps that's one for the list.

Perhaps the urge to investigate things about him is a bit of bargaining.

Have you used the list in the last few days?

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi Marcus_c. I understand where you're coming from in having to resist the urge to find out if he lied, cheated etc. I used to find one thing that helped me overcome those urges. It's like a persistent toothache, at first your tongue keeps poking at the tooth to see if it really does hurt. Or if it's your imagination. You know it's real, but you still keep probing. After a while, you accept you have toothache and you stop probing. Then you visit the dentist and he performs whatever, to stop the ache. Because you don't want to have the ache back, you're careful to 'nurse' the tooth till it's strong enough and has regained the ability to chew, drink without hurting. Heartache over being jilted, or walking away from the one who caused the hurt, requires time to heal and strengthen, till you're ready to love again. If the urge to 'check up' on him returns, that's the 'tooth' reminding you that it's still healing.

Be kind to yourself.

Lynda.

[marcus_c]

Thanks Paul. I have used the list, and also discussed further with friends. I am coping ok, and I know things will get better eventually. The more I look at those flags, though, the harder it is to escape the conclusion that I was not the only one during the time we were together. I'm pretty sure that I was lied to, and that's hurting. The more I think about it, I find myself asking the question, who was this man really? And who was I to get sucked in by it all?

One of the flags that I'd forgotten about (I guess I'd just buried it) was a text he got a couple of months back from a clinic saying he'd been tested for HIV and was negative. It seemed suspicious at the time because we had been together for much longer than 3 months. I asked him about it, and he insisted he just gets tested regularly. Thing is, when you go to those clinics they ask you questions about what you've been doing. If he'd said that he was in a monogamous relationship with safe sex only for the last 8 months (as I thought we were), wouldn't they have told him he didn't need a test? It all just stinks.

And no, I'm not dwelling on this stuff all day. I've got plenty else to be getting on with. But in the quiet moments, the 4am moments, that's when it hurts.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Marcus,

Hard to know with the tests, it is possible that both things are right because his motivation for doing them is a consideration. I am not that active and still am encouraged to do annual testing even when there is no man to be seen in that time. All part of being in a higher risk group.

I've always said to trust intuition because it is like a big red arrow pointing at something you might want to figure out more, the evidence is there but not articulated I find.

Good to see you about the forums. Do you have a guilty pleasure for 4am that can help (I have found the best chocolate flavoured yoghurt.)

Rob.

[marcus_c]

You know I have actually found myself getting munchies if I do wake up at 4am. I didn't have anything in the fridge so I ended up going out and getting a nice loaf of decent wholemeal bread. Boring I know but it feels nourishing just to have a couple of slices!

[Paul]

Marcus, that's way better than the half asleep chocolate I have.

Sometimes the chocolate is completely asleep.

Paul