Am I asexual?

[Miss_Anonymous]

Hey all, wondering if I might be asexual.

Basically I never feel sexually attracted to anyone. When I’ve had sex with men I’ve enjoyed it, but there is always that lack of attraction to get over before we get to the act itself. But I do enjoy the act itself.

Four times in my life I have had what I call a girl crush, when I met an older woman who I felt was an amazing person, who I respected and admired, wanted to be like, wanted the approval of, wanted to spend time with etc. These happened more when I was younger (I am 40) but I do have one now. I don’t think they are sexual in nature - one might have gone that way if she had been interested (she wasn’t) but mostly it isn’t like that.

I have only had one relationship with a guy, in my early 20s, where I compromised and went out with someone I kinda liked because I was sick of waiting for the fireworks everyone spoke about. Not sure I have ever really fallen in love before but the girl crushes can feel a bit like that because of the infatuation element. The one at the moment is less intense than the previous ones.

Most of the time when I meet guys (or women for that matter) I don’t find them anything special and even if I can see they are objectively hot I am not attracted to them. I find plenty of people I’d like to be friends with but very few I feel anything stronger for.

Please help, am I asexual, gay or just straight but haven’t met the right guy?

thank you!

[smallwolf]

Hello Friend. 

It takes a lot of courage to reach out and express your thoughts and feelings about your sexuality. Your description of your experiences is very insightful and provides a lot of information about your sexuality.

It is completely normal to question and explore your sexuality.  And perhaps ...  there is no rush to label yourself and you have the right to identify however you feel comfortable. Take your time, be patient with yourself, and trust your instincts.

If you feel comfortable that you might want to consider exploring your sexuality further ... look at online communities, support groups, or even counseling. There are many resources available to help you navigate your sexuality and find a sense of belonging.

And NO matter what you discover about yourself, know that you are valid and deserving of love and respect.

[sbella02]

Miss_Anonymous,

Thank you for posting here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. I love these kinds of conversations about sexuality, and am keen to answer your queries here.

I am a bisexual woman, and I have many people in my social network who are also queer, some of whom are on the asexual spectrum. I think it's important for me to start with the fact that it is a spectrum, because as you have mentioned here, attraction varies depending on a lot factors. 

There are many different types of attraction. From my understanding, you don't necessarily feel sexual attraction, but you have at times experienced either romantic or emotional attraction. I would encourage you to have a Google search about the different types of attraction if you're interested, as there are different explanations (for instance, on forums like Reddit) that may be useful for you to have a browse through. See what resonates with you, or if others' experiences are relatable to your own. 

Asexuality is indeed a spectrum. You raise a good point in saying that you don't experience sexual attraction but do still enjoy sex, which is still considered a part of the asexual spectrum. If you're seeking specific suggestions on what terms to look into further, I would suggest starting with asexuality and also homoromanticism, as the experiences you have described sound like they would match these broader categories. 

I'm interested to hear your thoughts, and would also love to hear more from you if you'd like to chat with us further. We're here to support you.

Take care, SB