A soul destroying combination - homosexuality, loneliness and depression

[Dommy]

I am almost 50, unmarried, gay and single. I've known since I was about 12 that I was this way but have only "come out of the closet" over the last year and only to a few people - my parents included - and they have been comfortable with it. I've never had a gay relationship but have had relationships with women. I have to admit that on a couple of occasions I did so in the hope that it would spark some sort of chemical reaction and "make me straight." Needless to say, that was pretty ignorant. A number of people on here have said how they have their own families, despite their sexual orientation, and that the relationship they still have with their children is good. The one thing I have always wanted in my life was to have a family - kids of my own - and to have the joy of watching them grow up and onward. I see my straight friends with their families, I see the joy in their faces, I see the happiness between the parents, I see them go through the ups and downs of family life and through it all I anguish inside. I am guttered by the fact that I'll not experience this the way my friends do. I know that gay people have families - I have seen some and a number of people here have said they've experienced it. The problem for me is that being gay has filled me with so much self hatred / anger, it depresses me to know that there is nothing I can do to change my sexuality. I've never been in a homosexual relationship although I have gone online to try and find someone to chat with about a common situation. Unfortunately I've had no such luck in that area. So many people on these sites are after discussions on explicit sexual activities and not so much about companionship. At the end of the day I suppose I just want someone to talk to, someone to be able to come home to at the end of the day to share a life with - not to have sex with. More and more as time progresses I realise it is becoming less likely that this will ever happen for me. Living in a small country town doesn't help much either when you're a single person living on your own. I can so relate to the lyrics from the Eagles song; "Desparado" when it says; "you're prison is walking through this world all alone." I don't know where to go from here, I see myself over half way through life without ever experiencing true happiness. When you come home to an empty house, the sounds of loneliness are deafening and soul destroying.

[james1]

Hi Dommy

I can hear the pain in your words and I'm so sorry to hear how things have turned out.

I'm only 24 myself, so I don't feel like I have a lot of experience to draw on here, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We're here to give you support and help you get to a better place so you feel more comfortable to start tackling some of the troubles in your life.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. I feel like relationships are, by nature, harder because you need someone else. So instead of trying to fix that first, perhaps looking first at the depression and the self hatred you mentioned would be a good place to start.

I am sad to hear you're not happy with yourself. I realise it may be an uncomfortable topic for you, but we are not judgemental on these forums so please feel comfortable to share your thoughts if you want to. I think you are a lovely person with a wonderful outlook on life. You hit the nail on the head for me when you said:

"At the end of the day I suppose I just want someone to talk to, someone to be able to come home to at the end of the day to share a life with"

You sound like a person who's caring but considerate and just wants to feel accepted and loved.

If it's any consolation, I care about you and I'd love to hear more of your story if you feel comfortable sharing it.

Have you seen your doctor or a medical health professional in your area? I realise it may be difficult in a small country town.

James

[DrTom]

Hi Dommy,

That's a tough gig. Having grown up in a religious family, I took another path, and was married for 15 years before finally coming out at age 40. I know that once I was married, fear of being alone again kept me in the closet for a long time. In spite of the difficulties that attended coming out when you're married with kids, I felt better, and learned a lot about myself, and came to accept that even if I remained single, I could still be happy.

I can see you have a constellation of factors eating away at life there for you. I know from a couple of friends who live in the country that it can be pretty hard connecting with people in that context. There are some regional LGBTI networks - the one I know most of is in South Gippsland (Victoria), and is a great source of social inclusion for some friends. I know there are other similar networks in some other parts of the country. I know putting yourself out there and getting along to such things isn't necessarily easy, but if you haven't tried yet, it might be worth a shot if there is something like that in your area. The whole online space can be pretty hard, and while real people can be uncomfortable too, in the short term, they're more rewarding in the long run.

My personal experience has been that looking for love tends to not go very well, but looking for friends is a better experience. I now have a partner, but when we met I had given up on love, and we were just friends for quite a while before things went further. I think it's a common trap that we fall in to - looking for love then seeing if we can be friends rather than the other way around.

Anyway, I hope something in what I have written is at least a bit encouraging for you.

Tom.

[Paul]

Hi Dommy,

So glad you let us know how you're feeling. Thank you and welcome to Beyond Blue Forums.

I get the feeling that what you wrote is an interrelated ball of emotion and thought and one leads to another which leads to another which... That gets pretty tiring and can spiral out of control.

There seems to be two big issues that are likely making the rest worse. Wanting a family and wanting to meet someone to share your life with.

You'll probably agree with me when I say that life can surprise us and that we don't know what will happen in the future. An example. What if you meet a man who has children? What if you adopt? What if you foster a child? There are man ways to fulfil our paternal instinct.

I was not surprised to read about the online behaviour of other gay guys. I've banned myself from any gay sites because of the same reason.

Instead I use an app called "Meet Up" it's a website as well. Meet Up is community based groups of anything you can think of. I ride a motorbike so I'm in some bike groups - just friendly people who love to ride as well. I'm also in some gay groups. Gay singles, Gay south east (Vic). There are meditation groups, sports, crafts, you name it!

I find it hard to shake off the feeling of not wanting to leave the house sometimes but if I have something to go to that I really enjoy with nice people then it makes it easier. I wonder if Meet Up would be something that you'd be willing to have a look at?

meetup.com

Let me know what you think.

Paul.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Dommy,

I can relate to some of the things you talk about there. There are a few other visitors to this forum who are gay, single and older then 40 who probably will relate too. I'd welcome your input to the discussions in this section.

Whilst you are working all of this out remember to keep doing the little things that you enjoy.

Rob.

[Dommy]

Hi Paul and Rob. Thanks for your input. Paul, you're pretty much spot on with how I feel about the way my life is going and how things are spiralling out of control. I looked up those "Meet up" groups you were talking about and they do seem interesting. Next time I am down in the city I'll look one up. My big concern is that I'll run out of time and am fast losing the patience to find that "happy ending". I'm just trying to make sure that I hang around and not give it all up.

[Dommy]

Hi James, thanks for your response and kind words. A lot of what you have said is really fairly accurate - especially the part about just wanting someone to live with. I have been seeing a psych for a while, but of late, living alone in a country town is really tearing me apart. I am so desperately trying to find employment back in Perth where I think my chances of finding happiness are far greater. I'm not sure how much longer I'll last out here.

[Dommy]

Hi Tom, thanks for your response. I too came from a religious family, although they were accepting of the fact that I was gay. I think that the era of my youth was so anti homosexuality that the fear of God's wrath was enough to keep you in the closet for as long as it has kept me there. Sometimes I so wish that I was raised in this era where, whilst there still are some prejudices, the majority of humanity accepts that homosexuality is simply a natural part of our world. As you've said, my main objective now is to find a friend who is homosexual so that I may experience the same thing that you've obviously experienced. As I said previously, I'm not big into the sex side of things, I'm just really lonely because I can't find a soul mate. A small macho country town is certainly a place I'll be able to locate that type of friendship and I really need to get out before I do something stupid.

[Paul]

Hey Dommy,

I'm really glad you came back and chatted with us again. You mentioned that you had a look at Meet Up. Did you search on your phone for groups in your location or search for your location on the website or somewhere nearby? Even if it's not a gay group, making friends with people with common interests eases the pain. I have about two friends in total - we ride motorbikes together. When we do it's really comforting to be with them and doing something we all enjoy. Plus, we stir the heck out of each other which brings a soothing laugh.

I can really relate to the fear of God and church and the effect on us. I grew up going to sunday school and was spared further religious educations when my family moved. That exposure was enough to have me questioning and being fearful for years. I even felt guilt for years for masturbation. Religion is a powerful thing but your belief and spirituality can be empowering if the true message taken from religion is that of love which is not a new message, it's been the message from the beginning, people have chosen to twist it and use it for control and their own ego.

Loneliness can be so painful. Humans are wired up to be social and be in a group (for survival). The pain is a natural signal that tells us we need others. This is why some of us feel like we are going to die when we are lonely. I also really understand this and feel it a lot. I have a cat (who thinks she is a meerkat) who helps with the loneliness although she doesn't spoon very well, her claws are too sharp.

There are other apps for smart phones where you can find gay/bi guys by distance this might be worth a go as well. Take care of yourself using the apps, there are lovely people on there and there are also horrible people on there - just like anything.

Lastly, you said "running out of time" in your reply. What did you mean?

Chat soon.

Paul x

[Just Sara]

Welcome Dommy;

Reading your posts reminds me where I was a few months ago. This forum and the wonderful individuals who responded to my cries for help were a God-send in assisting me to accept me; to come out and be the person I always wanted to be.

Your deep and paradoxal words are honest and heartfelt. I hear the torment and sadness you describe as being very similar to my own when life seemed unbearable not that long ago. I also live in a country town where opportunities for companionship seem limited.

I had in my mind the perfect partner to come home to me and the term 'family' meant having each other to look after, share things and rely on. Someone to hold at night and share kisses/hugs with and conversation on hand. How ideal a dream eh? Now I deserve all these things and more; I do and so do you. Concentrating on what I didn't have instead of what I did though, took so much of my precious time and energy, life was getting away from me.

All the people (above) helped me to look at the possibilities and opportunities I never thought to explore. A flyer on a notice board caught my eye one day and wham! I found people just like me. When I was depressed, I walked with my eyes to the floor. If I'd continued this, I would have never seen that flyer!

Take care and kind thoughts...Dizzy