Your lost child forever in your heart
Whatever estranged situation you endure with your blood child the pain is lifelong.
I have two daughters 32 and 28yo. The older one I'm close to, the younger one I'm estranged. The older one has zero contact with her sister and birth mother and firmly believes they are evil.
It's clearer to me now, that my youngest stayed in the care of her mother and not only willingly adopted my ex's narcissistic ways (silence as a weapon, emotional manipulation, grandiose mannerisms etc) but is the spitting image of her mother. I divorce her mother for those reasons, so what hope did we have?
My youngest would re-enter my life ever 2 years or so, sometimes for money that she wouldnt get, sometimes to hear the gossip, sometimes to enter then leave suddenly. Her preferred form of communication was facebook. With FB she had the ultimate tool as she could block me at will, communicate with my family and friends to find out information then - gone!! in an instant. Two years later "Hi Dad" and the 2 weeks of reaching out with love and care was dashed in being blocked again.
I made the toughest of all decisions. I severed all ties. Yep, I blocked her and it remains that way, purely for my mental well being that my other daughter and wife deserve, they deserve me with my mental health the best it can possibly be. Subjected to trauma, then grief, then happiness ofr a few weeks then trauma and the cycle continues, is not good.
The internal feeling of stigma for "abandoning my daughter is very real plus that feeling of failure. You can give your child opportunity, you can give them love and support but if they are destructive for whatever reason and no action works you might need to consider limits. Such boundaries if you fortress of survival. It's ok to keep grieving but sometimes its just not your fault.
Thanks Tony. I’ve followed all the links & really appreciate your caring words of wisdom.
I have three adult children. I’ve been estranged from one for over ten years now (their choice); dropped & blocked by another (again their choice); and distanced from the other (my choice). I “divorced” my so-called parents over 20 years ago now but lost the whole extended family as a result.
When I feel low it seems a bit overwhelming but most of the time I’m ok. I am blessed to have the a wonderful man for my husband. I do now know what unconditional love is.
I used to feel bitterness & anger when I thought about my children but I have decided on a new approach. Now when they come to mind I send a love-filled prayer to heaven for them. The only thing I feel a touch guilty about is that I can go days without thinking of them!
So once again Tony, thank you, T.
Thankyou also. I often wonder why people feel a need to judge others relationships. E.g. your relationships with your parents is your to manage as you saw fit
My sister and I parted ways with our mother 10 years ago. Subsequently we lost several cousins and my sister's daughter... all followed the lies and manipulation of our mother. But we don't interfere with their relationships. Odd isn't it. I also feel your pain but as hard as it is, that crust of grief that won't ever budge, there is a life to be lived. Having a great guy by your side is a bonus.
Your guilt for stringing a number of days together without thinking of your children, isn't warranted. You are getting on with your life as you deserve too. Google
Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor
Beyondblue topic worry worry worry