Xmas blues

[Sophi]

I have been estranged from my oldest son, his wife and my 2 grandsons for over 4 years due to a misunderstanding.

Prior to the argument, I'd spent many happy times especially christmas and birthdays.

My grandsons, now 15 and 12 years of age used to sleep over and we had many fun times.

I have attempted to reconcile with the family without success.

My son ignored me when I saw him down town a few weeks ago.

I feel like a failure as a parent and there must be something wrong with me

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 67yo and estranged from my youngest daughter, my sister, nieces and my mother. So with several estrangements I sometimes naturally think I'm at fault. No, you must stick by your true self and acknowledge that ones stance was for your values, in your case though, it was a misunderstanding as you put it, so guilt would be there in a natural sense.

It is a sad part on many peoples lives that relatives go their own ways. It becomes complex especially for outsiders like me or friends and relatives. Some feel they need to take sides, others stay distant, so what can you do?

You are limited. Have you tried to write a short, loving, factual letter without the details of the argument? 

The only other suggestion is to fill your life with other activities, while that wont heal anything it is distraction and that is a good thing.

TonyWK

[Sophi]

Thanks whitenight. I recently wrote a letter at my counsellor's suggestion. The problem is I'm not completely sure of the reason for the estrangement and my son refuses to communicate.

I'd rather he came to my door and yelled at me rather than the deathly silence

I've had not response to the letter so far, but I'm still hopeful.

I'm sorry you are suffering the same pain. I hope things will work out for you

[OldFella]

Hi Sophi, I really understand how you are feeling , I am estranged from family members too and at this time of year it is so very lonely, I have spent the past Christmas's with my  Mother but sadly she passed away early this year so I have been left so alone...and I also feel I have failed as a parent and something is wrong with me but surely that cannot be so. We are after all human and don't deserve to be or feel so isolated...I hope and pray you get it sorted coz I know the feeling only too well.........

[KindnessWithin]

I’m so sorry about how painful this is. From one corner of the virtual world to another I hope things get better.

The letter sounds like a positive step I hope it works out.

I have been there - estranged - but I changed it around. It’s a hard journey but can be done.

Sending you all the best.

[white knight]

Hi Sophi

Silence can mean a number of things. It can mean no contact is desirable. It can mean it is a form of punishment or it could mean your son is afraid of contacting you for fear of issues with his partner.

Whatever the reason it is unacceptable behaviour and if designed to punish you it is a form of narcissism. Google narcissism silence punishment

I know this as my first wife used it as punishment, not a word for up to 6 weeks. 

So, you can turn this around by concluding that their actions and behaviour is childish and unfair. They are however adults and have the power to act like this. It is a cruel result, so rid yourself of the cruelty by getting on with your life and leave them behind- it is the only relief possible.

Be strong.

TonyWK

[Sophi]

I'd like to thank all you wonderful people for your words of support and encouragement.

My other thought on the situation is, my two precious grandsons have been denied a relationship with their Grandma who adored them

[OldFella]

Hi Sophi, I would suggest to  never forget a birthday or Christmas present along with a nice card, they'll realize the true situation before long and start to question their parents......God Bless -  Regards OldFella