Merry Christmas I want a divorce

[alloverthesop]

Hi,

I'm writing here because I don't know what else to do. 

My wife had I have been together 17 years. One step daughter (19), a daughter (14) and a son (12). 

We've had a pretty tumultuous relationship, and had done a lot of rounds of counselling. We'd agreed we'd make a call about staying together at the end of January, as our son is going into high school next year. 

On Christmas day something changed. She got really drunk and had a conversation with my sister in law. Next thing she isn't talking to me. Boxing day she said she wanted to talk, and read me a script saying she wants a divorce and does not want to ever discuss our relationship or what happened. She is also talking about getting lawyers, even though we'd spoken about this before and had agreed if we separated we'd do it amicably. 

We're planning to tell the kids tonight and i'm hurting so bad. The relationship is right to end, but its so sudden and I'm really concerned about how the kids are going to take it.

We have a big house with a lot of space, so we have somewhat separate areas to live in. I'm basically living in a glorified shed and I've said I want to go, because I want to start a new life. Of course we cant really afford that until we sell the house so I dont know what to do and she wont talk about it with me.

Looking ahead, every day seems miserable and I'm broken. Rationally I know that in the long term it will be better, but its so raw and I cant work out a way forward. 

Anyway thanks for reading, it feels a little better to write it out.

[WaterFront]

Hi alloverthesop,

I'm really sorry all of this is going on in your life right now and understand how unsettling it must all be. Even though you said it was sudden, it sounds like you have known this was coming for a while - even so, it would still be a shock to the system. There's a good chance your kids are aware also and perhaps they wont be too surprised when you speak to them. How did that go? (only if you want to go into it).

Moving forward? You've been to counselling, it sounds like you've both tried to keep the marriage together. If it can't be saved then my advice would be to try to make it as amicable as possible, moving forward with kindness and fairness to each other so that your children are least disturbed and are able to see the best in both of you.

I hope things work out for you. It's raw now - it should hopefully get better with distance and hindsight.

WF

[alloverthesop]

Hello WF, thank you for this and your encouragement. 

Kids went a bit better than expected. 14 year old daughter actually said she thought it was the right thing to do, as we'd been toxic together and it had been impacting her. 12 year old son didn't take it as well, but he seems to be adjusting and I'm giving him a lot of support. My ex and I had a bit of an icebreaker talk which was good, and we're becoming slightly more amicable.

Still a long way to go, and I'm up and down. Hurting a lot at times but keeping as busy as I can, keeping the kids entertained and visiting friends etc. 

Thank you so much for your response. It really helps to know you aren't alone. 

I have a lot to look forward to, and I am realising more and more just how dysfunctional our relationship was. 

Next step mediation