Concerned about my sister's kids

[Lizzie77]

There are other issues but the main one was brought up last night.

So my sister's kids' dad is abusive to an extent, he yells at his kids and can be rough with them. Now my sister (no longer with the father) I've noticed, is acting in the same way, even after criticising the kids dad for doing the same thing. 

She also takes out her own frustration and mistakes on the kids (both under 5 yo). For example,  she has been giving the kids both melatonin every night since they were about 2, now they are dependent on it. So last night they had run out of melatonin (not the children's fault) and they didn't go to sleep until very late as they hadn't had it. I understand my friend has a lot of stressers at the moment, I try to help when I'm around, but she seems to almost put blame on her small children for something that was her responsibility in the first place. She chose to give them melatonin constantly even when she knew its only meant to be used short term, and she didn't buy a replacement bottle of pills even though she was running low. So she was stressed be a they weren't going to sleep, yelling at them and pushing them down on the bed, smacking them. It broke my heart to see it, both because I feel for her dealing with her life situation but also the kids being treated like that as an outlet to my sisters anger and stress. 

I dont want to report her but she is also the type of person that won't listen to any kind of criticism, no matter how gently and lovingly put toward her. 

I really worry for the kids development and feelings of safety.

I tried talking to her when I saw this behaviour last night but we were both tired and stressed and I didn't have the right words.

I can't be around my sister and pretend everything is fine but I feel partially responsible for the kids safety as a relative.

Could there be something I can say to get through to her in a kind way?

Thank you for reading and offering any advice x

[therising]

Hi Lizzie77

Not sure how wonderful your sister is (how full of wonder she is) but if she's one that's easy to trigger to wonder, that could be one way to go.

Using the sleep issue with the kids as an example, with some people one approach could be 'Do you ever wonder why they developed issues with their sleep from when they were very little?'. With others, who don't like to be directed, 'I wonder' or 'I've been wondering' can sometimes be the best approach. Kinda like 'You know, I was wondering just the other day when it was that the kids started having trouble falling asleep. I wondered whether it could have been the stress in the household at the time or perhaps related to the fact they could be naturally hyperactive kids who find going to bed just way too boring'. Then there's the double approach, 'I was wondering...' with 'Have you ever been led to wonder about it yourself?'.

Another wonderful approach could be 'I came across this article the other day about how to reset your child's circadian rhythm. It was absolutely fascinating. I had no idea about the different strategies'. Leave it at that, plant the seed. As your sister's sense of wonder begins to grow, she will not be able to help herself but ask 'What did it say?'.

I've found having got into the habit of wondering is what's led me to develop a more open mind. The more I practice developing a sense of wonder the more naturally it comes. Not sure if that could be the case with your sister. For example, if you can get her wondering about simple things in life, over time she may come to be triggered to wonder quite easily, therefor making it easier to raise a variety of issues or topics with her. 'I wonder how bored the kids must be feeling', leading her to imagine how bored they could be or 'I wonder about their natures, what hobbies would lead them to thrive, based on their natures. Do we have a budding anthropologist or a budding artist in the making?'. I've found wonder to be the gateway to imagination, where so much exists beyond that gateway, outside the square.