Father issues

[Albert_247]

It's a complicated relationship with my father, I only appreciate minimal things about him. Even if you wish you could be closer. I've never liked his personality.

1) He pays the bills though
2) His too himself behind the T.V.
3) His ignorant in ways

Otherwise what I don't like about my Dad though 

1) His not genuinely affectionate

2) His selfish and in considerate

3) His got misogynistic, sexist thoughts

4) He can't have conversations

5) His secretive with what's he does sometimes

6) His devious with what he really thinks about his children

7) He can't explain things more than one time

😎 He sometimes can be hypocritical

9) He only understands his own opinions, can't conceive why someone's different or likes things that he doesn't

10) He gets insecure or thinks you are dyslexic when your too formal or have better speaking with words than he does

11) He has short temper, maybe he could be violent if you didn't back down probably and kept arguing and not going quiet when he tells you 

12) He has more of a grandiose love while simultaneously not apart of our lives and problems and only thinks where more useless, mental or weak

[thisismetrying]

Hey Albert_247, thanks for sharing your post.

Sigh. Fathers. It can be a really hard dynamic, particularly when you have one that echoes the stereotypical 'toxic masculinity' traits, some of which you've listed here.

I have a complicated relationship with my father too, many of my issues mirroring the ones you've listed here. 

It's funny how even when we acknowledge that we only like minimal things about our fathers and we find them short-tempered, belittling and devious with their opinions of their children/us - we still wish we were closer with them. Being honest with myself, I still work really hard to try to make my father proud or happy with me - even though I acknowledge it's possibly impossible. It often ends up with me feeling hurt and triggering my insecurities.

I had a situation recently at a family gathering where my father told a story to other family members in which he called me a massive failure, despite showing great potential as a child. I did stand up for myself in this conversation, saying I am not a failure and that he'd told a silly story that didn't actually make any sense (true). He laughed, and the conversation moved forward without any family members or my father mentioning it for the rest of the day. 

In tears to my partner in the car later (who was present for the hurtful conversation), he explained he didn't realise it would have hurt me that much as it obviously had, because it was such a silly story and he thinks no one else gives anything my dad says any worth. He believed no one else stood up for me or mentioned it again because everyone knows most things my Dad says are stupid and not worth holding onto - and they assumed I did too, particularly as I had called it out myself at the time.

It's funny how others can gain a flippancy with our fathers words and their behaviour, and are able to interact with them and not take it personally. It always cuts deeper for us.

I think it's our personal wish for a father that loved, cared and supported us -  and the quiet, subconscious hope that he will one day be better - that keeps us in contact and essentially, in a cycle of being disappointed and hurt. 

I'm not sure how old you are, Albert, but if you are young just keep in mind that when you reach adulthood and have a financially stable job, you can move out and it's entirely up to you with what contact and relationship you continue to hold with your father. 

If you're still at home and not able to leave yet, remember it's not your responsibility to change him, and being aware of the traits you don't like in your father means you are less likely to have them yourself and pass them on.

I suggest having a few things that can help you clear your head when he gets on your nerves - I found walks around the block, putting music on using headphones and using a journal to write out my emotions very useful to cope with my father's behaviour.

[Albert_247]

Hi thanks for your response. It's true that we feel our fathers hurt us more than if he was just a stranger, Maybe it's something to do with being family and blood. I love my father despite his differences but I just think he can compare me to my special cousin. I'm not sure what he has but his speech is very troubled and his got crohn's disease. My father try's to in some silent or past social way, psychologically make me feel special or in some form useless or disabled. It's always this thing of being beneath his opinions because he is the bread winner. I'm actually 28 myself but I am having too much difficulty with figuring out which entry jobs I want to start and work and my only way to save money is from having DSP with Centrelink. In 2013 I was in disagreement but given a mental diagnosis which many people could use against me, using my problems as because of this diagnosis that I don't agree with having.

I love the idea probably more than the reality of being a Clinical Dietician but I probably would struggle trying to complete a Certificate IV from TAFE not just going for a University Bachelor Degree. I haven't had real academic stress since high school 2011 when I did VCE. 2012 I had my issues and some how got through that even when I shouldn't have passed. 2013 I did VCAL because I was never planning on University and I didn't want a final year of extra stress, I only graduated with a Foundation Year 12 that I feel ashamed with.

[Earth Girl]

Hi Albert,

I have a kind of similar relationship with my father. I made a discussion about how he and my mother ignore me a lot. My father use to get mad extremely easily and so did my mother - I think they must not have learned how to self regulate though it is definitely something that can be learned as they have gotten a lot better with it (as have I since I also had this issue). My father also talks down to me a lot and acts differently behind closed doors. I'm sorry that your father compares you to your cousin too, it's upsetting when parents do that.

I was just wondering what you mean when you say that you had your own issues in 2012 that you some how got through even though you shouldn't have passed? Is everything okay?

Have you tried making a family with friends? My younger sister agrees with me when I say that our family is a mess because we use to fight a lot, but she's very good at making friends and sort of made a family with them. I'm trying to do the same thing, although I'm not good at making friends like she is.

It's also annoying when your own parent doesn't want to have to explain something to you more than once. Sometimes we don't understand something our parents say straight away so we need to get them to explain it to us again and they should do so without getting angry with us. I'm sure your father sometimes has to ask for people to explain things to him more than once so he can learn.

[Albert_247]

Thanks for your reply Earth Girl, In response to during 2012 I was going through this unique situation. It may seem autistic, but I had a deep infatuation with a international girl that I saw on the internet that had died. I also was bullied during high school until 2013. It contributed to other issues with compliant Psychiatry and things got pretty depressing after that and still now. But I'm otherwise doing great now. I've also learnt to accept my Dad but I will be screwed without my mother because I can't interact with my Dad, I avoid him, I dislike his attributes and his not the personality I enjoy being around. Unless if his about to go out with his mates or to a sports game he may have a quick happy vibe and chat about the sport or make some promise that he won't fulfill about anything else.