Husband with porn addiction

[Kate1910]

So I found out recently that my husband has a porn addiction and this has been going on well before our marriage.

I have issues with porn and masturbation and he was aware of this from the very beginning of our relationship. So I have been quite shocked to find out not only that he has been doing this for more than 10 years behind my back but it's the frequency which has bothered me.

This has all come up after he had a mental breakdown after getting really drunk at a work party and ended up kissing another woman. He told me straight away but is disgusted that it could've possibly gone further as he isn't sure he is the one that pulled away first. He also realises now that he had an emotional affair with another woman at work but didn't realise due to naivety at the time. 

He is extremely embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted with himself. He is constantly having mental breakdowns about all this. He wants to break up our family as he says I don't deserve to have a husband who has done all this behind my back and has disrespected me and my family in this way.

I'm just not sure how I feel about all this.

I understand a lot of this is a compulsive symptom of his porn/masturbation addiction.

I'm not sure if it's something I can completely get over but at the same time I don't want to break up my family. I am a very strong emotional person and I think with time I can put all this behind me and continue with the life I thought we were going to have. My condition is that he gets the help he needs so these issues are damaging our lives together. 

[Croix]

Dear Kate1910~

Welcome here to the Support Forum, a good move as you will find others here with  similar circumstances, and how they coped. In fact if you use the search function spyglass just for the word 'porn' you will get over 200 hits here in the Forum.

Please excuse me for being blunt, however I feel you deserve to know what I beleive is important. There are several things I'd like to say, and the first is that may people take a partner's interest in porn as being a reflection on themselves. That they are in some way lacking or not attractive enough. I doubt this is true.

In fact in your own circumstances you know that the addition started before you got together and you have lived unknowing of this condition for a long time. .

I also believe that the most harmful thing for a relationship is when any addiction leads to lies and deceit. This is the most destructive and hardest thing to forgive, or even understand.

It is not just porn, but alcohol, gambling or other addictions that have the same effect, they break trust.

Many people think that a porn addiction may be the result of some incident in a person's earlier life, and this not even need to be sex-related, but the addiction is a response. For matters to change it may be that earlier experience needs to be addressed.

The other thing to say is that any addiction may need expert assistance, perhaps a psychologist specializing in the area -provided the person truly wish to change. Simply going along with it to keep the peace would most probably not be enough.

One thing that can be hard for you is the nature of addictions, it is not necessarily a smooth path and there may well be slipping back along the way. Reward and praise when those slips are recovered from can do more good than criticism that the slip took place. In this manner you can be part of the help he needs

If you were to simply wash your hands of the matter and tell him it is all his responsibility to correct matters that may not be enough. You may need to be one that supports and gives praise as appropriate (I'm sorry to bring this possibility up, I did say I'd be blunt)

I'd also suggest that alcohol does not seem to be a positive influence here.

Wanting your family to stay together shows how much you value it, and also your strength, and I wish you well, many relationships, even those wiht problems like this can be well worth fighting for.

If oyu would like ot come back and discuss this further, or say how you get on, that would be great

Croix