Work situation, am I reading the flirting right?

[Velour]

So, I know this guy through a work situation. I can’t really go into details because it’s a bit complicated. But suffice it to say, he shouldn’t be flirting with me.

I have two problems. 1. I’m not exactly sure how to read the situation and 2. I am not very good at flirting. But, at different times, he has given me the following compliments: You are beautiful (he said this at least 2 or 3 times), I enjoy your company, you are a nice person, you always look nice, etc. He has caressed the top of my hand very gently, started giving me hugs when we would say goodbye, and one time he cupped the side of my cheek in his hand very gently. Sometimes he would also sit so close to me that our feet would touch, and one time he gently touched my knee. One time we were having a casual conversation and he mentioned a beach location and said “that’s where people go for a quick getaway” (I couldn’t tell if that was a flirty hint or not.)

It all feels very close and intimate and flirty, but any one thing, or even all of them, are plausibly deniable.

Please tell me I’m not crazy…he is putting out some major signals here, right?! Would someone do and say all of this with ZERO intentions?? What sign do you think he looking for from me?

Please give me advice for how I can put signals out back to him. I have flirted a little back but I’m afraid my interest doesn’t come across clear enough. The worst part is that I like him a lot and this makes me feel more shy around him! He knows that I care about him, I think we feel really close to each other for some reason, but it just hasn't moved forward beyond mutual attraction and flirting. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

going only from what you have said some could be the other person being nice, but other things he is doing is a bit more than that. For example, saying you are nice person can be just a compliment. But if if the caressing of the your hand or cheek seems more than accidental then ...

Does he hug other people? Or cup their cheek? Or ...

Now you said, or it seems, you are attracted to the him as well. And it seems he likes you? 

What is stopping you from asking him out for coffee? Or how you feel if you did not and then find out he was going out with someone else? 

I can remember my youth, and it problems with getting tongue-tied ... but there are also things is common like work and that can lead to other topics. And if you cannot say it...  perhaps write it out? Something I have had to do with (i) wife and (ii) my psychologist for things I have issues talking about.

Lastly, what do you think is the barrier to anything more? 

Perhaps he is scared to ask you out?

[sbella02]

Hi Velour,

Thank you for sharing your situation with us, welcome to the forums. Smallwolf has given some great insight here, and I'm here to add my own. 

I'll firstly ask, are there any negative implications that could arise from catching up with this person outside of a work context? I know you have mentioned that he should not be flirting with you due to several complicated reasons. I would also establish whether or not he is currently seeing somebody, as that's also important to note. 

It seems to me that all those signs on their own may not necessarily be flirtatious behaviour, but when lumped together they may be. It depends largely on the context of these actions - does he do these with you around other people? Have you noticed him acting like this towards other people? 

How would you feel if you were to casually suggest a catch-up with him outside of work? I'll return to my first point, that a key prerequisite of this idea is to first establish whether there would be any negative consequences to come from this. If you do not feel comfortable asking him directly, would there be a way for you to organise a general catch-up with several colleagues that you get along with and invite him along? This may also be a good way to see how he acts around you in both a group and casual setting. 

In my experience, there are a few things you can do to test whether his behaviour has a flirtatious undertone, provided you would feel comfortable doing so. Lightly touching their arm or shoulder in a conversation, particularly if they say something funny. If he reacts well, it could be a sign that he's flirting. Another neat little trick that works well, if you want to be slightly more bold: look at one of his eyes, flick your gaze briefly down to his lips, then back up at his other eye, then look away for a moment. If he begins to blush for instance, it could be a sign that he likes you back. 

I hope this is somewhat helpful advice, we're always here to support you if you feel you'd like to chat some more. Good luck, and hopefully this situation has a positive outcome for you. It's also important to know/respect your own needs and boundaries, and make sure you're comfortable with the pace at which the situation is progressing. 

Take care, SB

[geoff]

Hello Velour, it's obvious he has an attraction towards you and even small responses by you will only entice him to continue, because if you weren't interested then you would have indicated this to him, so playing along as you have been is only encouraging him.

He may still be frightened to ask you out, because flirting is easier to do than to ask you out, so may be this is where you can step forward and ask him for a coffee.

You don't have to be clear in how you approach him, anything you do he will love, especially by looking him in the eye and laughing.

Someone has to make the move to go out, whether it's you or him and if you both like each other, then go for it.

Remember not all people are game enough to ask someone out, sometimes it just happens by accident, then allow this to happen.

Geoff.

Life Member.