Will I be alone forever?

Losttwentysomething_ · ‎06-05-2021

Hi All, I'm not sure if this is a place to discuss this manner but here goes;

I have recently ended a very brief relationship with a guy that I liked. We went out for about a month before I decided to end it to avoid him getting hurt and I didn't want to string anyone along.

I guess I'm worried about how I go about dating now as I am new to the dating world, have never been in a relationship, never had sex and I am naive with communicating with guys and understanding their body language and their way of communicating as well as mine, apparently my body & mind are not in sync. For example I hooked up with this guy I went out with, I certainly didn't plan on doing this with him but it happened and then the night after I ended it with him I hooked up with another guy I literally just met at my place of work (these hookups took place two weeks apart). I don't know what has got into me. Perhaps it was because dating this guy made me feel confident within myself and I was on a 'confidence boost' when I hooked up with both of these guys at the time. I have had strict, over-protective parents/ older brother growing up so I wasn't allowed to go out and date anyone until recently as I am now 25 (will be 26 this year)

I am worried that I will never find anyone, that I will run out of time to have children, that men will just use me as I am a virgin (or perhaps I will lead myself to that opportunity quite easily as I am so naive and not in sync). I am shy and have low self esteem so I don't have much friends to go out with. I am worried that I have left dating too late in my life, even though at age 23 I was not at all ready to date (I found this out through experience which I later regretted)

I worry that I will be alone forever as I am not trying hard enough and that no one is going to want someone who is inexperienced at that age and later. I also worry why I have been behaving this way with guys to just hookup with them. I wasn't raised like this and feel it is not in my nature (or so I think). Is anyone able to shed some light on this on why I'm behaving irresponsibly??

SingleMum123 · ‎07-05-2021

Dear Losttwentysomething,

It's good you have reached out and let me reassure you that you are not alone.

You are not doing anything wrong. I feel you are learning how to spread your wings.

Speaking from personal experience, my twenties were a big learning decade. I came from a similar background and dated many "wrong guys". For every wrong guy you encounter, you will learn more about what you are looking for in the right guy.

Don't be unkind to yourself. It's important that you do things for yourself to build yourself up and create a healthy self-esteem. You may meet someone doing what you love.

You have plenty of time to meet someone and have children.

Sometimes you may need to kiss a few frogs before meeting your Prince Charming. It's all a learning adventure.

I wish you well.

Losttwentysomething_ · ‎12-05-2021

Thanks for your reply and taking the time to respond. I am absolutely terrified. I think my biggest fear is that I won't find anyone and that I will be desperate and will have constant nagging from my family telling me off for not having found someone. Did you ever have these thoughts when you were dating, if so what support did you have to get through? I have downloaded a few dating apps but I worry that I won't meet anyone as I live in a regional town and not city

geoff · ‎12-05-2021

Hello Losttwentysomething, and a warm welcome to the site.

When you look back, age is of no consequence, although at your age it means a great deal and your family is not entitled to keep pushing you into something you are frightened of, only because this pressure is creating a problem that should only be taken as a natural process.

The one trap is that once you do find a boyfriend then this relationship has to develop over a few weeks, getting to know each other and not to rush in straight away and have sex with them, and I say this because he may only want this and then decide to find someone else, that would be more heartbreaking for you at this stage and that's not we want to happen.

If I can also say and it's just a suggestion, nothing else, and sorry if I'm being careful, but meeting someone on your first date, just be careful of the alcohol that's supplied to you.

Hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.

Losttwentysomething_ · ‎12-05-2021

Thanks for replying. I know about the alcohol part. I guess I feel this way partly because the guy that I was recently with I felt confident within myself for the first time and i enjoyed talking to him and all but I didn't feel that much physical attraction to him even though we hooked up and I wanted to go further, I didn't plan on hooking up or doing anything intimate with him - I don't know what got into me and now at times I find myself asking the question If I've made the right choice of ending it with him, even though in my heart I know I've made the right decision, i still have him on social media so perhaps I need to defriend so I don't have a reminder of him even though I like having him as a friend

SingleMum123 · ‎13-05-2021

Hi again,

I can assure you it will happen when the timing is right and also when you least expect it. I know that sounds kind of cliche, but I speak from past experience.

I can relate to your feelings of desperately wanting to meet someone and having the pressure from family. It's hard.

Out of my own desperation, I ended up dating a guy who ended up cheating on me. It wasn't until I got to find out more of who I was and what I wanted and needed, that I met someone who I ended up marrying. I am a single parent now after 14 years but for reasons out of my control however it is amicable.

You could tell your family that you have the intention of meeting someone and you could say they'd be the first to hear about it.

It could be a generational thing with your family. They might have been advised that they would be happy when married off. It was a different time then and I guess easier to find a partner. It's trickier now as people are more time poor.

Maybe you could write a list down of the things you are looking for in your ideal partner and what'simportant to you. It may help bring them to you.

Breathe, smile and keep reminding yourself that you are worthy of love.

Warm regards,

SingleMum123

Losttwentysomething_ · ‎17-05-2021

Thanks again for your reply, I've needed a few days to think a bit more clearer since I saw your post. My other worry, and I'm not sure if I should start a new thread for this or not, but it kinda relates to my dating/ romantic relationship situation, but I really only have one close friend and I find myself thinking that I wouldn't mind making new friends (particularly ones my own age or younger - not too fussed though as long as they are willing to go out and be social and stuff) however as I am shy and lacking in confidence I worry about how I go about this and how to be social, I feel that inner voice (and voices of other people telling me over the years) that it is my own fault for not making an effort earlier in life and that I am no good for anything in life, I don't know where to start with reaching out to make new friends (apart from trying volunteering and approaching people at my places of work and asking them but of course that fear of rejection is there from putting myself out there during my schooling years and being rejected and treated differently multiple times). Putting myself out there and socialising is a bit of a new concept to me and it terrifies me and knowing how to make friends with the right people too. I can't help but have that lingering feeling that I will never find my place in the world and that I will never make friends, that I will be lonely and will just keep plodding through life having nothing and that I will amount to nothing and that I am not worthy of living. If anyone has any advice that would be great. I apologise if this is not the right thread for this topic.

Rachie.Rachie · ‎23-05-2021

This is like reading something straight from my diary! THERE IS HOPE!
Our stories are almost EXACTLY the same. Shy, little to no self-esteem, socially awkward when it comes to men/ dating, fairly strict upbringing, and I thought I'd just be lonely forever.
None of the boys I went to school with were interested in me; they seemed to love all my friends though. I was always asking myself what was wrong with me? why didn't anyone like me? Why do they want my friends and not me? Is it because Im a virgin?

This changed when I went to Uni. And just like you I started behaving "irresponsibly". Suddenly in this new crowd of people, guys seemed interested in me and so I was hooking up with a lot of them, even though I wasnt really attracted to any of them. It was just really nice to be wanted for once! And by the sound of it this is sort of what youre going through right now. Its a confusing time, but I think its really just part of growing into a sexually mature adult, and working out the type of people you want to be around. I dont regret the irresponsible time in my life at all- I certainly learnt a lot about myself, and more specifically what I wanted from a relationship.

I knew I wanted to be in a loving relationship with a boyfriend of a year before I lost my virginity. Ha! Well that didnt go to plan. I ended up losing it to a friend Id known for a week and it went on to become a friends with benefits scenario (he actually still to this day doesnt know he took my V card – I never worked up the courage to tell him haha). I still cannot believe it happened, it went against all my values/ morals. But again I really enjoyed that time, it was fun, and sex really WASNT as big of a deal as I’d hyped it up to be in my head. It felt as natural as any other thing you do as a human: eating, sleeping, etc.
And then 6months of sleeping only with my fwb, I met my now fiancé! And we’ve been together for almost 7 years! Who would have thought!
What I ended up taking away from all of this was it wasn’t so much that guys weren’t attracted to me, a lot of them just never had the opportunity to interact with me. When I became more involved in the community whether it was volunteering, joining sports clubs/ other social groups, I was coming into more contact with men who approached me more than ever before. Doing this also helped steer me towards guys that I had shared interests with, so interacting wasn’t as confronting as going on a blind date or any tinder/ dating app hookup.

Losttwentysomething_ · ‎24-05-2021

That is really reassuring to read. It makes me feel like I am not a lost cause or anything negative like that and that I have nothing to worry about, even though it seems like everyone around me tells me different. It also provides me with clarity as to why I hooked up with the guy I briefly dated, even though he wasn't really my type, but I felt ok with it at the time and he was really respectful and considerate when we did hook up and I don't regret it at all. The predicament I have now is that I kinda regret not giving that relationship more time to develop (it was only a month, it was a long distance thing and I only saw him in person 2 times, not including our first initial meet) We met in person at my workplace (I work in a bar) and he was travelling through to visit his Dad, so nothing online or anything like that of how we met. The reason I ended it early on was because I was conscious (and still am) of not wanting to hurt him or make him feel that I was stringing him along (believe me that was never my intention in the first place) I genuinely like him, but I wasn't overally attracted to his physical build and people tell me that you need to be attracted to someone for it to work and that attraction won't grow overnight so you should end it while its early on. I have spoken about this with my therapist and she has suggested that I try to reach out to him again to see if we can try it again as it was only brief and that relationships take time to develop . I want to do the right thing by him but I can't help but crave the experience of getting to know this guy a bit better and try again- Is this a good idea??

jtjt_4862 · ‎24-05-2021

Hi Losttwentysomething_,

I feel, if you had a great time with that person, and that he's a respectful and considerate individual, it wouldn't hurt to continue on the relationship to see where life would take you two. Maybe try reaching out to him again, and let him know how you feel about him, and see how it goes? It's strange how you mentioned that people told you "you need to be attracted to someone for it to work, and that attraction won't go overnight". I had somewhat a similar advise as well, but there's more to a relationship than just falling for the person's positive points, it's also about accepting their flaws and working together to make things work between you two. They might not have a lot of money, or great looks, but if they make you feel a whole as a person and yourself, then that's something worth trying.

If your friend would like to give the relationship another go, remember to be genuine, don't be afraid to work conflicts out with him, and enjoy the journey together. Good luck Losttwentysomething_. Let us know how you go, and we're here if you'd like to chat more about it.

Jt