Not coping after the break up
My boyfriend and I of 9 months broke up about 5 weeks ago.
We started seeing each other when the Melbourne lockdown finished and he became my whole world. I was trekking across the city to watch his cricket games, or to just hold his hand while he coached because all I wanted was to be around him. I knew that he was a busy guy when we got together but at times it was hard, between uni, work, cricket (he was at cricket events min 5 days a week) and our relationship. This became something I said bothered me because I felt like I was the last item on the list and the solution was for me to cope through cricket season and then he'd have more time for me when it finished. This happened for a period of time which I was grateful for, we seemed to be getting on well and even planned a holiday away together with friends, this is where the cracks started showing.
When we were away he was always making remarks and comments, comments that would belittle me and make me feel small and when I would get upset I was 'ruining the holiday'. The Saturday after we got back was our 6 month anniversary which I was really excited to celebrate with him but he bailed on me to watch the footy with his dad and then got really angry at me, thinking that I was trying to control him when I would make comment on how it made me feel sad that he wasn't spending that day with me. Later that night he came round with flowers and apologized and I forgave him.
Then his dad gets drunk at his 50th and starts laying into me about how I was trying to control his son and how I needed to back off. I went to bed beside myself in tears feeling confused because my ex called the shots in our relationship. I was still upset the next day but my ex refused to come see me and comfort me.
Fast forward and from here we spent the next 2 months fighting every other day and not getting on, he wanted to leave multiple times but I was always convinced that we could fix things. The intimacy stopped and he became more physical with me. He would push me, pinch me, trip me, scream at me for taking up too much of the bed.
I know that in reality the break up was for the best because in the end he started treating me really poorly, doing things like screaming at me in the street on nights out and punching walls to make me feel physically unsafe, however, I've not been able to shake this feeling of missing him and loneliness since and all I want to do is reach out to talk to him even though I know I need to let go.
Well as I read it, the most unacceptable behaviour is his physical violence and even worse is his actions like pinching and pushing. Verbal violence is also as bad and for these reasons I think you have dodged a fairly bleak future.
If I may, following your holiday one should have felt content considering the quite full schedule you both had. Watching footy with his dad is likely a ritual and you might have been better being pleased he was enjoying his time. Another reason why his dad was fragile about the situation. I's a lesson learned however his other behaviours well outweigh the errors in the relationship.
Time is your friend. I've been in your situation 3 times and many years in those relationships and it is devastating. Distract yourself, do a hobby, sport or talk to friends. Once you get involved in a project you will be netter focussed.
You can also google the following , which will explain some ideas on how to move on.
Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get
First of all, I am terribly sorry that he got physical with you. That is absolutely not on and I am so glad that you are out of that relationship.
Although my ex never got physical against me, I can completely relate on the busy/social side of your partner. My ex plays competitive football and is hoping to get back to VFL and enter AFL. He would train twice a week and play all day Saturday then go out with all the boys every Saturday night. I always supported him through this as I kept on telling myself I will have more time with him after the footy season...until he started playing competitive cricket. I would see him on his days after work and he would always be exhausted from full time work and studying masters part time. He lived in regional Victoria and me in Melbourne, so I would make the 3.5 hour drive to see him. We were together for 2 years and we’re childhood crushes to each other as we went to the same primary school and grew up in the same friendship groups through high school and uni. We planned our lives out together, including buying a house and planning a year away in London.
He broke up with me yesterday as we were just ‘two different people’. I am very headstrong and emotional and he hates conflict. He would always blame me for not being able to handle myself socially when he invited me to an event where I knew no one. He got frustrated when I cried because he didn’t understand why I was upset.
I still love him and am struggling coming to terms with not being together.
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.Sorry you had to experience this and that you are finding things hard.
White knight and justbrokenup have shared helpful suggestions and their experience.
Controlling people who then turn around and say you are controlling are very manipulative and some call it gaslighting- google.
Justbrokenup I am so sorry about your breakup. It is hard we you think someone will be there forever for you and you make many plans then they just break up with you saying you are different people.
To have been friends for so long you must have things in common.If someone is relaxed at social events where they know no one and someone is not, I think the one who is realised could be supportive by introducing people and generally staying nearby and being supportive.
Both justbrokenup and mOira , you are struggling with a breakup as it is very recent. These are early daus and your emotions are raw. I know even if you are the person who breaks up it is still very difficult to get used to being not a couple anymore.
Thanks again and feel free to post here. We are listening.