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wife can't be bothered with sex

Community Member

As the title says, I know she does...she has fully admitted she can't be bothered.

 We have talked and talked, on many occasions and sometimes it gets better for 2 weeks and then she reverts back to her old ways.  Gets up to go to bed "early" and says I am too tired, just going to sleep is that ok.  I am not going to make anyone do anything so of course I say it is ok.  I know the sex drive is there.

 Yes I have talked to her about it, once she said I don't do enough around the house...because I don't start doing house work the minute I walk in the door after being at work for 12 hours. S, I copped it on the chin and accepted this and now do everything I can, wash dishes put things away clean up and scrub bathrooms to sit down hours after coming home, but all I got was why are you doing this I am not changing.

I've tried the "kids at Nana's house" romantic nights our, do everything for her and we get home....sorry I am too tired....now its a ritual.

Every milestone date this year has been the same, no kids nights the same.  She left an letter on my computer to a lady she sees re positive thinking and negative beliefs etc.  I didn't mean to snoop but it was on my computer while cleaning up (there is a family computer she usually uses) and on this letter it said "sex is like a chore, I do it because I have to"

 I give up...i can't talk any more to her about it she just denies everything and tells me i am being silly and how happy her life is right now she has everything she wants.....whoop-de-doooo i don't 😞

8 Replies 8

Community Member

Hi ssteve  

I think your last sentence says it all. Your wife feels she has everything she wants. From what you say, I don't think she intends to change. So I suppose you have to ask yourself if you are happy to stay in a non sexual marriage. I may seem simplistic but I do think that's the situation you're in. Then the problem will be in dealing with your choice.  

Best wishes,  Helen 

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear SSteve, sexual relations can be very difficult in a marriage or perhaps in a long term relationship, but what has hit me on the head so to speak is that I wonder whether she has now changed her sexuality from hetersexual to now becoming a lesbian and doesn't want a male in her life.

I maybe sticking my head on a block here, but have you seen her change her mind on certain issues. Geoff.

Community Member

Hi SSteve.  I think Helen says it all in a nutshell.  Your wife is quite happy with her life the way it is.  Whether you are happy to remain in a sexless marriage is your call.  Have you discussed with your wife what she wants?   I think apart from the sexual side of the marriage, SSteve has to look at what else he wants.  Does she offer companionship?  Is she a good listener, does she care for him in other ways. 

Unfortunately, SSteve, this is really your call.  I would have a talk with your wife, find out what she wants.  If she's happy the way things are, but you're not, I think you have to decide what you want.

Community Member
This may be totally off the wall, however I thought it may be of interest. Being a woman who has had a couple of long term relationships. I recall in my earlier years and to be truthful not so early years. Being in the exact same spot as wife. I didn't like to have sex with my husband. It took a lot of effort, to get sweaty, sticky after a long day to be left wanting. Women are raised to believe sex is easy for us.  Noone wants to be the odd man out, right? So we start our acting very young in life and that becomes the routine. Then due to the love we feel and what a great actress we've been its hard to come clean. It's also very hard to say this really isn't good for me. So we end up being tired, headache. The list goes on. Until the pressure builds from our partner and we again make a slack effort to keep the peace. Google search should find a game for loving.  And have nothing at all to do with your situation but I thought I'd share.  Happy new year guys and gals

Community Member

Dear Pantheress.  When I met my ex way back when, I was a bit unsure about sex.  I was a victim of abuse too which didn't help.  My ex was sooo into sex movies, I watched them to get an education.  I used to put into practise everything I saw, but after a while, even that got boring.  If you are really 'into' sex, it can be fun and joyful.  If, however, you're not that way inclined, sex does become a 'chore' for want of a better word.  No matter what Steve does, if his wife is not interested, she will 'wise up' to his intentions and everything he does will be for nothing.    But, looking at it from his point of view, what's in it for him.  He's still basically going to have a sexless marriage.  If he's happy with that, okay, but if he isn't, the problem's still there. 

That's just my opinion.

Community Member
Thanks heaps pipsy for sharing that with me.. Sex was a taboo subject in my growing up so all my education had to come from trial and error. I'm of the belief if both partners are enjoying an activity together they would both want to participate more. We can sit back and say suck it up and chose what you want to endure or get out. Or we can listen to others thoughts and input and hopefully someone may be able to assist Steve change his lonely marriage. No one enters a marriage to be celebrate. I personally feel this is miss representation and very unfair to expect a partner to go with out the warmth of loving arms. I personally would keep my loving family unit and get a subcontractor. However this is not for everyone and frowned on by society. However I do feel that I could share with Steve; he should research his subject and educate himself on the working of his objective. As the issue may be Steve's also. She just may not be enjoying the activity. I don't believe you have to be 'in to' sex to enjoy the warmth of your partner. We often go fishing with them to keep them company even though we're not that into fishing plus it's messy, smelly and there is flies everywhere, cooking,  speedway what ever the activity may be. Relationship is about a compromise both parties can live with amiably and hopefully add purpose and joy to each other. Steve wife seems caring and considerate as she asked if it's okay by him if she turns in early. She seems to be seeking growth as she attends places to better her inner self. Surely she wouldn't want to be hurting the man's she loves? I don't feel partners mean to cause pain to their other half but at times we become complacent and a rift can grow. Your marriage is your biggest commitment to yourself and future children you'll ever make. It needs to be nurtured tended and cared for before any other. I really appreciate the time you took to reply to me pipsy. It's great. I think I like it here. Steve if you enjoy reading, you may find 'the 5 languages of love' very helpful. Thanks guys and gals

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi everyone, just a reminder that sexually explicit discussion is not permitted here on these forums, and we've had to do quite a bit of editing in this thread.  Please bear in mind when posting that we have people of all ages here in the community, and if you need to discuss sex in further detail then going to an adult forum would be more appropriate.

Community Member

Hi Ssteve

Hi read your post and thought maybe a reply from a wife who can't be bothered with sex might help. I can't speak from your wife's side but here is mine.

The thought of sex is feels like an extra chore for me personally. After doing stuff for a boss and kids all day i can't wait to get to bed close my eyes and drift off to the land where it is all about me me but No.. hubby needs taking care of too. Where's my time?? 

Yes I have my problems as I was abused as a child and sex was something frowned upon. Maybe that's why I don't want to just be a sex symbol to my husband. 

Love to me is being by each others side holding hands and hugging.

I have since after reading and talking about it found that sex was my husband's way of giving and feeling love and without it he feels unloved and unwanted. I find if I keep that in my head I feel less like a sex object and more interested in having sex with my husband.  I've only read a short part but reading men are from Mars women are from Venus really opened my eyes. 🙂