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Why do I struggle to let people go?

Community Member

After helpful advice or coping strategies please?

I ended a long term relationship because I had feelings for a long time friend. This friend said the feelings were reciprocated. Only problem is she still has a partner. I assumed, and she lead me to believe that once we had recognised that we had feelings for each other, she would leave her partner too & that we'd start dating. She confided that her relationship had not been physically intimate for almost 2 years, but she still cared for her partner but was no longer in love.

We were intimate (something I'm not proud of, but want to give the full picture), and I know that I am completely in love with her. It's been longer than 15 months since I've seen her, and in that time we have had regular phone contact, she's told me that there are feelings for me, then she says we should just remain friends. That she wants to be with me, but it's just not the right time for her to leave her current partner yet. I'm lead to believe that they are still not intimate physically. I know she cares about me, but I know that I can't and shouldn't wait forever for her to decide to leave. I cant stop thinking about her, and I've never felt more jealous of anyone other than her partner in my life!

I want to believe that if it's meant to be one day it will, and that I can't control the situation, but I don't know how to move forward. All I think about is wanting to be with her, wanting her to CHOOSE me.

I had a childhood where my siblings needs were always placed above mine, and there was physical and emotional abuse.

So I'm aware that childhood trauma plays a part in me not being able to let go.

Has anyone else experienced this, I currently see a psychologist, but feel like I make a bit of progress & then slip back again.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hello P_B

I’m sorry you have had to wait so long for a response. It’s not easy to provide accurate advice to you because I sense there are too many unknowns in your account.

Can you help me out by answering a few questions if you’re comfortable?
Did you end your relationship simply because of your desire to be with your long time friend?
Did your long time friend commit to you or was it all a bit vague?
Why if the passion is so intense (on your part) have you not seen her for 15 months?
Is your long time friend married or have children or both?

You say she cares about you. How do you know that? Without wishing to sound disrespectful, words are cheap. Has she demonstrated this care in any meaningful way?

If you could flesh out the situation, I would be happy to offer any support and advice I can.