Separated from my wife and children and i’m the cause of her anxiety

[Three_boys]

Newbie here

To begin with we have been together for 14 years and we’re married for 9 of those years

at the moment we are living apart and are sharing the children on a casual basis

her mental health deteriorated to the point she had an anxiety attack and had to call an ambulance

what followed that was 10 days of cyclic vomiting, she is feeling well enough to have kids and can only care for them for a limited time

I was aware she had depression from the beginning and took meds for this up until the present day

She has gone through three pregnancies with sickness the whole time, eldest son has autism has been fighting for that diagnosis, has smoked marijuana to help sleep and then recently increased the amount to help with anxiousness

we bought a house that she does not want to live in and she started her own business in late 2018.It all added up to her struggling with her mental health

she is seeing a psych now for a couple of years, is taking meds for her depression but as she admits she is doing it all for everyone. She will not make time for herself for mindfulness exercises,self care

in her words I bring on her anxiety by my behaviour and the way I communicated with her recently

i realise this now and have offered to have kids more often, apologised for my irrational behaviour

the kids are resilient and handling it well, I miss them when they are not here

anyone else been through something similar and can offer some advice

[Croix]

Dear Three boys~

Welcome to the Forum. I regret it has taken so long for you to receive a response, please be certain it is not you, or the subject of your post, but a system that does not always work as we would like.

It sounds as if both of you have been having a very hard time, so I'm glad you came here. That might have been difficult to do, however you may gain outside perspectives. A wise move.

I'm sorry both that your wife's condition deteriorated after so long and also that you are apart. Just long term depression alone is very hard to live with, and adding anxiety to it would have been confusing, frightening and the physical symptoms overwhelming.

It sounds as if her anxiety has reduced a little, though it is unfortunate she is using marijuana to sleep and ease symptoms. Apart from anything else it can produce unexpected or unfortunate effects when combined with prescription medication. Could I suggest you urge her to tell the doctor if she has not done so already?

Perhaps also say her current treatment is not working well and may need to be reviewed.

You said she sees your actions and words as bringing on her anxiety. Would you like to say a little about what she means by that? I'd imagine the separation as well would have been an additional cause of uncertainty.

Have you talked to her about this, so you know what she feels is making things worse? A willingness to apologize is great, but you do need to know what for.

Sharing the kids is an excellent thing and the fact they are coping is encouraging.

Apart from her medical support does she have anyone else to lean on? Perhaps a family member or friend who cares and wants to help? It can make a huge difference.

You yourself are under a great deal of strain over this, after 14 years it must be very hard to understand and come to cope with . So you too need whatever support is available. Is there anyone for you?

Now that a conversation has started I'd like it if you came back and talked more, you will not be alone

Croix

[Three_boys]

Hi there

its been a while since I last checked this account

things have improved greatly, we have put clear clear boundaries in place when it comes to what and how we communicate

im seeing a psych now recently and that has helped me see how I was making poor decisions and behaving irrationally at the beginning of the separation

i have been with her to GP when she has talked about her drug use and she understands the health effects the everyday use can cause long term irreversible damage

from what I know she has quit the use of the drugs

she is seeing a psych and has done for a long time, she has close friends to confide in

from what she has told me

what brings up her her anxiety is when she loses something and can’t find

The things I have done and said to bring on her anxiety I realise now they came from a place of confusion and anger

with the help of family and seeing the psych I now realise this and can change my language and actions to behave like a caring adult

we have gone the process of family relationships counselling and soon we will be able to have a joint appointment to come up with a parenting plan

from here we can arrange a roster that works for everyone and we can all look forward to the future

that’s all for now

things are going ok