Why Do I Feel So Alone?
Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way?
I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my parents; they live in Canberra and I'm in Perth but we call/text/email/skype most days. I have a few close friends. And (for the cat people out there!) constanly have two kitties on my lap the moment I sit down!
But for some reason when I'm home doing nothing (AKA watching TV) I feel like I'm wasting my life, that I'm alone, lonely, a loser. I wonder what other people are doing, how they have such full lives they "don't have time to watch TV". I feel completely left out knowing that people are out doing things together, even if those things wouldn't involve me anyway.
I always feel the need to try to make contact with people, messaging or something just so I'm not sitting there all alone. Why can't I be happy alone? Just because I'm currently alone in a room, doesn't actually make me lonely. Why can't I just be happy? I have literally no reason to feel this way.
I thought at first that I felt lonliness because we had heaps of friends and family either staying with us or nearby for the wedding. But that was in March and I still feel alone.
Logically I realise this is evidence of my depression returning; feel down, calling it lonliness, beating myself up for no reason. I know what it is, I have access to help...but I haven't sought it...not sure why.
I feel lost.
I am not sure I have an answer for you. And I am not sure that I am the right one to post a reply.
I have a loving family - it saddens me to say, but even when I am with them I feel alone. But alone only in my thoughts. In my case it is probably because of my depression. I feel I cannot share - because no one will understand. My perception only, I hasten to add.
I also feel a need a desperate need to make contact with people, but instead I isolate myself. Not good.
I have not read your other posts, but I assume that you have experienced depression in the past. The feelings you are experiencing now, as you say yourself, is a fairly clear sign that you may be having a relapse. Mine is constant, so I just manage it.
Talk it over with someone you trust.
Here to listen!
You say ' I have literally no reason to feel this way', well actually you do, you're fighting off depression even more than you may have it already, and to feel happy by being alone won't happen, instead there is some sort of contemptment that you don't have to be involved in making any decisions, and perhaps if you feel as though you want to contact someone is a call for help, trying to reach out for them to listen to me.
When you have a relapse or your depression to return, you say 'oh not again' but too afraid to go back to counselling, because that would confirm you have depression, but there are times that you can't deny this and accept the fact that it has returned and need the help that you once had before.
You have to realise that once anyone gets depression it's still with us even though we maybe able to overcome it, just like myself, but it won't mean that we won't get it again, as there is every chance this could happen.
When we go and see our psych the whole idea is to get us feeling better, to overcome our depression because that's what we want, however we aren't told that it could return, because that's not what they want us to know.
Lana I would suggest that you contact your doctor/psych to organise an appointment, but have to remember feeling back this way is not any failure of yours, it's what depression does to us. Geoff. x