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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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iloveminpins13 Unable to copy with separation - my husband cheated with his best friend's partner & got her pregnant.. I am struggling
  • replies: 2

Hi Everyone, My husband and I got together in 2011. We lived together straight away. We bought a business together in 2013 (with my mother), bought our house in May 2014 (with my mother) and got married in July 2014. In October 2014, I caught him del... View more

Hi Everyone, My husband and I got together in 2011. We lived together straight away. We bought a business together in 2013 (with my mother), bought our house in May 2014 (with my mother) and got married in July 2014. In October 2014, I caught him deleting text messages from his best friend's girlfriend, T. I accused him of having an affair and he told me I was crazy. For the first part of the year he was unavailable. He had been renovating T's mother's house and wouldn't spend time with me. He said he was getting paid for doing this but I never saw the money. Obviously I was suspicious but he told me I was crazy. He didn't really try in the relationship and told me it was my fault our relationship was struggling because I depressed and that I didn't give him enough attention. We had also talked about having a baby and planned to get pregnant, then all of a sudden he didn't want to and refused. He asked for a divorce last year on 5 May 2015. We had been fighting a lot and I had been struggling with my depression and anxiety A few days later he said he had made a mistake and we got back together. Over the next month he did not really try to fix things. He was withdrawn. On 28 May 2014, he asked for a divorce again. On 1 June 2015, I found 9 naked photos of T (his best friend's girlfriend) on my computer, dated 17 February 2015. He said all he did was send and receive photos. She also said this. I told them both I didn't believe him and kicked him out. To this day, he has still maintained nothing ever happened. She said it started with her sending him one photo "by accident" and then escalated. She said it was my fault, and her partner's fault, because her and my husband weren't getting enough attention from their partners. We separated, but he still tried to get back with me. I ignored him. I found out from other people they were together. Only recently, I found out they had a baby in February 2016. She had been pregnant when we were still together. I am struggling to let go. I haven't been able to stop thinking about him and still miss him every day. I don't know why I still miss him when he hurt me so much. I cry whenever I think of him, and constantly get upset thinking she has stolen my life. We had only been married for 9 months when he had first asked for a divorce. I am still in denial and it is hard to accept he could do all of this to me. Finding out about the baby has only made everything worse. I really need help..

JZee Anxiety and depression with narcissist parents
  • replies: 6

Hi all,I have a history of anxiety and depression (now controlled well by medication), and have known for some time this runs in my family. But only recently I have shockingly realized that a lot of my family dysfunction is actually due to both my pa... View more

Hi all,I have a history of anxiety and depression (now controlled well by medication), and have known for some time this runs in my family. But only recently I have shockingly realized that a lot of my family dysfunction is actually due to both my parents being a narcissist. For a long time I ignored it and played along (as those with narcissist parents know full well that it is easier to keep the peace than oppose them and suffer the consequences). As it happens, I was the golden child and my brother the scapegoat, so I naturally believed he was just crazy and a difficult child and only now that we are adults, I have realized the scary truth. It all really started with me when I got engaged and my mother became scared/jealous that my affections were now with another. I have always felt that my closeness with her was forced, like it was my job as her daughter to allow her complete access to my thoughts and feelings and that I must love her because that's what good children do. Anyway, it started slowly with her planting seeds of doubt about us (me and fiancé) not being compatible, not sharing the same values and that this would be trouble. We moved out together and she jibed, "good luck with that one, you'll need it". When looking for wedding dresses, she again expressed doubt and that his behaviors raised red flags (she would never specify what), insinuating that he was easily angered and that leads to "something else". Well we got married and she put on a good show being a good host and donating lots of money to our wedding. But it didn't stop. She kept suggesting that something wasn't right, that i'd changed, that I didn't "shine" anymore, that he was over protective and possessive, more red flags etc. we had a child. She insisted on being at the birth, like it was her right. She wants to spend time with me alone all the time. We confronted her about her behavior and she denied everything, insinuated (never directly) that hubby was controlling and abusing me and that I was blind to it (now I know this is gas lighting), then became super nice and very fake to us. Now we get wind that she is planning an intervention with the whole family ganged up, at an occasion where I will be alone without hubby. I now know she is mentally ill but the family is clearly in her clutches and I am scared of breaking down because of peer pressure, and losing my whole family because they just don't see it. And I also need to protect my own child now. Help!!!!

LanaKane Why Do I Feel So Alone?
  • replies: 2

Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way? I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my paren... View more

Any time I'm not actively doing something (at work, out with friends, running errands) and I'm just at home, I feel so alone. But I'm not alone at all, so why do I feel this way? I live with my (new) husband. I have a great relationship with my parents; they live in Canberra and I'm in Perth but we call/text/email/skype most days. I have a few close friends. And (for the cat people out there!) constanly have two kitties on my lap the moment I sit down! But for some reason when I'm home doing nothing (AKA watching TV) I feel like I'm wasting my life, that I'm alone, lonely, a loser. I wonder what other people are doing, how they have such full lives they "don't have time to watch TV". I feel completely left out knowing that people are out doing things together, even if those things wouldn't involve me anyway. I always feel the need to try to make contact with people, messaging or something just so I'm not sitting there all alone. Why can't I be happy alone? Just because I'm currently alone in a room, doesn't actually make me lonely. Why can't I just be happy? I have literally no reason to feel this way. I thought at first that I felt lonliness because we had heaps of friends and family either staying with us or nearby for the wedding. But that was in March and I still feel alone. Logically I realise this is evidence of my depression returning; feel down, calling it lonliness, beating myself up for no reason. I know what it is, I have access to help...but I haven't sought it...not sure why. I feel lost.

DandyLions Do I want to exit this relationship or is it the depression talking?
  • replies: 3

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questiona... View more

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questionable behaviour from time to time. I was diagnosed with major depression a month ago. I was not altogether surprised at the diagnosis, but shocked how bad I let myself get. I'm no stranger to the mental health game. My mother has been clinically depressed (along with all the ails that accompany long term depression) for over 15 years. I am not ashamed, I am where I am. But my relationship is not on that page with me. For the first yyear and four months of our relationship my partner and I did not have sex. I had no idea why. It was his choice, and he refused to tell me why, to trust him that he was sorting it out. We did other things, or he did to me, I wasn't allowed to touch him, felt very teenage to be honest. Eventually, the trust and intimacy issues snuck up on me and for months I wouldn't let him touch me. After a year together, I said I can wait for you but you need to tell me why this is happening or I'm gone. It ended up being something superficial about his penis that an operation would fix. We had sex a few times, even though he hasn't got that operation, months agoago. He also has a drinking problem. Drinks at home every night. He's incredibly insecure. When I was diagnosed, my gp told me to take all the space I needed and avoid emotional situations which would increase my stress levels. It was liberating. I've spent the past month just doing what I would like to, which consists heavily of being nowhere near my partner. I feel extremely certain that despite the amazing side to him which is definitely there, albeit hidden under his insecurities for about the past year, I'm too worn out to continue working on Myself and our extremely broken relationship at the same time. I'm far from blameless, ive been cold, distant, all of the text book stuff the posts for supporting partners warn to look out for. So, at Long last, I don't want to wait for a recovery to begin to make this decision. I have a long road ahead of me. How do I begin to assess whether I want to leave because I'm being textbook depressed, or because at this point leaving serves me better? If you made it this far thank you so much for reading brevity is not my strong point...

wanted_a_simple_life Lonely, Lost and feeling Lousy
  • replies: 24

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken??? You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight. You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do... View more

What do you do when your children that were your world are taken??? You sacrifice to be there for them everyday and all of a sudden you only see them for 48 hours a fortnight. You cant just move into a relationship like other people can and if you do you feel guilty like you have shut the door to the life you wanted so much. What do you do when they were everything and now you have so much time on your hands outside of work, you might do stuff, but it doesnt make you happy cause the kids are not part of it. Has anyone else gone through this??

Mermaid007 I think if ex when under stress
  • replies: 2

It's so frustrating! Whenever I need my full attention on something important that also happens to be stressful I start thinking about my ex. It's as though my brain thinks that he can make things better. Thinking about him just distracts me from wha... View more

It's so frustrating! Whenever I need my full attention on something important that also happens to be stressful I start thinking about my ex. It's as though my brain thinks that he can make things better. Thinking about him just distracts me from what I'm supposed to be doing and makes it even harder. I just want to drop everything and curl up un a ball when things get like this. It's not even his fault, we haven't even been talking and neither has anything happened to remind me of him. He'd usually be the one encouraging me to keep going, help me stay on track, he would motivate me. Going through some of the threads it makes it even worse that other people are experiencing things far more significant and here's me who starts thinking about her ex when she's stressed, seems rather petty but it is extremely DISTRACTING. How do people get exes out of their minds!

EmptyDumpty 7 years later and she said she feels nothing.
  • replies: 4

Hi All. Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore.... View more

Hi All. Im new to BB. 38 years old and well on my way to splitting up with my wife. 37 days ago she she said we are done as she no longer feels anything for me. We've discussed it several times and she's convinced there is nothing between us anymore. It's mostly my fault. I made promises that i delayed in delivering. And it's come to a point where she gave up. Last night she moved out of the room. She said it's better that way. I felt a massive emptiness last night. I've spent the last 30 days trying to make sense of it all. The first few days trying to rationalise why she wouldn't give us a second chance. Why I'm so determined to change the person i am. I feel I've finally come to terms that she's given up on me and moved on. I've spent the last 30 days working out. It seems to clear my mind. I've always been overweight. I lost 6 kilos so far. Will likely reach target weight in another 4 weeks. But in between I'm thinking....who am I doing this for? I try to convince myself that its for me. But is it? I don't know. I only know its a goal I need to accomplish. I'm more concerned what next? Everything feels numb. Last night as she was moving her stuff she cried. She cried because she feels I'm hurting. I said I am but I'll deal with it. Her emotions are messing hard with me. I know she cares for me but she doesn't love me anymore. It's messing with my head. I told her I thought she had moved on? Its gonna take me a bit longer to do so but I feel eventually I will. Its the 2nd night I'm sleeping alone. It's gonna get some getting used to. We still share 1 common bond. Our dog. It's the only thing left that connects us. I've acknowledged the fact that we're just very different people. My 2 best friends have been very supportive but unfortunately ones in Canada and the other is in the UK. I've pictured myself if I would fall off the wagon at some point and reach for my whiskies. Just at the back of my mind there's this other Me saying it's the last thing i wanna be doing. So i jump in the pool everyday. I do my routine. I do my job as best as i can manage which suprisingly is going fine. We have a rough plan moving forward. We're gonna sort out stuff. We both want the split to be amicable as possible. I just feel numb at the moment. The shock has passed for the most. Sigh.

H3lpl3ssinqld I don't know what to do.
  • replies: 3

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me findi... View more

Over a year ago I found out my partner of 13 years and father of my 2 beautiful children had an affair with a work colleague. During the discovery stage there was a lot of anger and pain, which I am still trying to deal with. After a week of me finding out, he reconnected with her while I thought he was attending counselling sessions with me to fix the problems we have. After again, finding out about the reconnection, he lost his job unfairly and proceeded with an unfair dismissal case against the employer, while I was by his side and fought his case with him, he again reconnected with her. He then refused to attend counselling sessions, however after 6 months of counselling sessions by myself, I found the doctor to be contradicting a lot of his statements, and felt he wasn't the best person for myself either. I continued on my path alone, we never really discussed the issues because I either got more lies, or nothing. I guess we have just been getting along to make each day bearable. I did try to get him to help with other strategies like online videos, books about affairs and reconciliation, etc. Nothing that he wanted to be a part of. Now, 19 months later, I feel no better than the day I found out. On top of that I have lost my job, and I work in an industry that have gone through major government reforms, so I am competing against 1000 other redundant candidates for jobs I apply for, which there are not many of either (I am in the Private Training Organisation industry). My experience compared to others is very little only 1 year as a trainer. I am lucky to even get a reply for not successful for 1 job out of 80 that I apply for. We have been having a lot of problems lately I am at the point that there is no point repairing our relationship if I don't do things his way. So I am to talk about what I am going through - and when I do, he will point out the way I was before the affair started. He won't address the issues of the affair. This morning I received a phone call from our real estate - the owner wants an appraisal on the property, but the real estate is not sure what the owner is doing yet. The last thing I need now is to have to move house when I can barely afford the food on the table for my kids. I sit on my bed most days just crying and have no motivation to do anything. I don't know what to do. I cant afford to see a professional either, and where I live on the mental health care plan I need $150 for an appointment.

Goofy41 When the irrational overrides the rational
  • replies: 7

Earlier this year my husband and I went through a really rough patch in which I thought he would leave me due to the pressures of dealing with my depression. I'm glad to say that he didn't and we have slowly begun to rebuild our relationship. Just la... View more

Earlier this year my husband and I went through a really rough patch in which I thought he would leave me due to the pressures of dealing with my depression. I'm glad to say that he didn't and we have slowly begun to rebuild our relationship. Just last week he had to have an operation which, although not serious in the big scheme of things, has left him in a lot of pain and off work for at least the next 8 to 10 weeks. He is a week into his post-op healing and still on quite a few painkillers. I wish I could say that I am coping well in helping to look after him, but I'm not. Although I know that physical pain can cause tempers to be short, and painkillers can knock our thinking off quilter, I am almost embarrased to say that I am finding myself offended by his actions. I've noticed my depression getting worse since he's come out of hospital, and my ability to deal with what he needs have gone down hill as well. I want to be there for him but I'm finding his need for independance to be hurtful and don't know how to reconcile this in my head. I wish the rational part of my brain would kick in and start working just as it does for every other area of my life. Why is this such an issue for me? It is only today that I've noticed my work going down hill as well, I'm making stupid mistakes and not able to think straight. I keep telling myself that he will heal but it will take time, and that if I were in his shoes I would probably be much the same. I actually think I've been so used to being the person needing the help that having the table's turned has highlighted a massive gap in my ability to cope. Basically I don't think I should be feeling like this when my husband is the one whose just had an op and is in pain.

Stephd91 Cannot move on, extreme anxiety, hate life
  • replies: 5

So I am a 24 year old girl and i have been on and off with my bf for 7 years. Ive had bfs before who have treated me bad and ive just left and never lost sleep over. But with this bf its taking over my life. If in not with him and he doesnt want me e... View more

So I am a 24 year old girl and i have been on and off with my bf for 7 years. Ive had bfs before who have treated me bad and ive just left and never lost sleep over. But with this bf its taking over my life. If in not with him and he doesnt want me everything in life is depressing and nothing makes me happy. As soon as i get a msg from him i get so incredibly happy. I cant even begin to explain the bad things hes done to me you wouldn't understand why i still want him if i did. I just bought him a silver chain for his 30th & took him to a hotel and dinner for our anniversary, i never get anything in return but i accept it. I am his first gf and hes always said hes not interested in anyone but me. I believed that. He has depression anxiety and is on anti psychotics. For the last couple of months we had no intimacy or sexual anything. From his part only. The last couple of weeks ive been so in love and weve been more affectionate. Until last Sat i went through his laptop history and found adult websites. Now you'll probably say oh all guys do it, its normal. This is my ultimate no no and its done. I already have the worst self confidence issues because of him. What makes it worst is he lies and doesnt tell me about it.& we got intimate that weekend the video was watched. i am so confused as to why he'd wanna watch that disgusting stuff. Am i not good enough. I now hate myself even more and im sick of people saying you need to move on or only you can do it. 3 yrs ago i saw a psych and it did nothing. Even been on meds. I cannot get over this guy no matter what. The anxiety that runs through me knowing he doesnt care but we always get back together. But this time i cant get the images out of my head and why he did what hes done and what else does he lie about? Atm im building a house. I have wanted it for over 5 years. You think id be so happy in my life right now, right?? Wrong. Unless i have him, nothing can make me happy. He doesnt work, is over 130kg, has mental health issues but i love him. He says all the time i bring him down. I feel so ugly and not good enough. I just want him to have not done this.how many times. He says just once but he lies and doesnt care. I cant lie to him if i wanted to. Its cheating. Hes watching naked people & enjoying it. Hes not ir typical male who does it. It upsets me that he doesbt msg or reply because to be honest i know he doesnt care about me. What do i do can't get over him. 7 yrs of this and i cant. Help me