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Do I want to exit this relationship or is it the depression talking?

Community Member

I've been with my partner for two years. It's been rocky to say the least. But he has also dazzled me and made me feel wonderful in ways I was pleasantly surprised existed. He's unique, and worships the ground I walk on, despite some of his questionable behaviour from time to time.

I was diagnosed with major depression a month ago. I was not altogether surprised at the diagnosis, but shocked how bad I let myself get. I'm no stranger to the mental health game. My mother has been clinically depressed (along with all the ails that accompany long term depression) for over 15 years. I am not ashamed, I am where I am. But my relationship is not on that page with me.

For the first yyear and four months of our relationship my partner and I did not have sex. I had no idea why. It was his choice, and he refused to tell me why, to trust him that he was sorting it out. We did other things, or he did to me, I wasn't allowed to touch him, felt very teenage to be honest. Eventually, the trust and intimacy issues snuck up on me and for months I wouldn't let him touch me. After a year together, I said I can wait for you but you need to tell me why this is happening or I'm gone. It ended up being something superficial about his penis that an operation would fix. We had sex a few times, even though he hasn't got that operation, months agoago. He also has a drinking problem. Drinks at home every night. He's incredibly insecure.

When I was diagnosed, my gp told me to take all the space I needed and avoid emotional situations which would increase my stress levels. It was liberating. I've spent the past month just doing what I would like to, which consists heavily of being nowhere near my partner.

I feel extremely certain that despite the amazing side to him which is definitely there, albeit hidden under his insecurities for about the past year, I'm too worn out to continue working on Myself and our extremely broken relationship at the same time. I'm far from blameless, ive been cold, distant, all of the text book stuff the posts for supporting partners warn to look out for.

So, at Long last, I don't want to wait for a recovery to begin to make this decision. I have a long road ahead of me. How do I begin to assess whether I want to leave because I'm being textbook depressed, or because at this point leaving serves me better?

If you made it this far thank you so much for reading brevity is not my strong point...

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear DandyLions, I think that you have answered your own question, but firstly I'm sorry about you having depression, but you have to remember that many people just go on with life even if they know that they could be getting some form of depression, because they have this feeling that it won't continue, but that's what this illness does, continue until you are ready to overcome it, and how long this takes no one knows.
He could be using the alcohol to cope with his problem, but more so this could be a real problem later on if you stay in this relationship.
Your GP has some good advice, however is it possible to avoid emotional situations, well you can when depression controls you, and remember it takes '2 to tango', and I have this feeling that you do want to leave this relationship, which you can do, so that you can get all the possible treatment needed for you to get back on track.
Textbook depression will happen, but don't forget all the other issues associated with being in this relationship, that could add to your book depression, which is going to make it much harder for you to recover.
You know that it could be a long journey because you know what has happened with your mum over these 15 years, but that doesn't mean that it will take you this long to feel better and should not be guided as a template.
You have to do whatever you feel will make you feel better, and if this means taking a break or leaving this relationship then that's what you have to do.
You can't carry two weights at the moment. Geoff. x

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi DandyLions,

Much as Geoff said, you seem to know what you really want, it's just the admitting it to yourself part that's got you beat. I'm 24, diagnosed with a bunch of things since I was 16, and I've had a long road of rocky relationships that often falter due to my own emotional issues that impede on the relationship. If there's one thing I've learned from it however, it's not wise to have to overburden yourself with other people's problems when you have a bunch of work to do on yourself.

We can't all be as emotionally secure as we'd like, nor can our partners be, but as people with wide emotional spectrums I think there are just certain times when a relationship can be a good thing, and others where it can be a drain. Recovery is about being selfish - we don't deserve the pain we feel and we have to serve ourselves first and foremost or we just risk falling down further. I think you know what to do. It's going to suck but I'd assume you both already have a decent idea of where everything has been heading lately anyway.

You need time and space for yourself. Maybe he needs the same. But it can't be your problem right now.

Community Member

Hi DandyLions,

I think you have made a good decision to leave the relationship. It sounds like you could both benefit from some time apart to work on your seperate issues. The time away from each other will either make you realise that you want to give the relationship another try or that you are happier on your own.

All the best!