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Where do I even start....

dani1980
Community Member

My ex husband and I split up. I had been with him since I was 17, I am now 37. This was early last year and we are now just going through sorting out selling of the house etc. I have 2 children with him. After we split up, I became a single parent. It was hard for me to get through the separation, working full-time, being a newly single parent. I sought help from a psychologist and was taking medication to treat anxiety.

I had an ex from a long time ago, before my ex husband and we reconnected. He was lovely and kind and said all the right things. Everything went well for a about 7 months. Until he became depressed. His ex-wife had cheated on him, he has 4 children with her, and I think there are someone unresolved feelings there.

January this year, he became distant, didn't want to spend time together. This was hard for me to accept, because I have very deep feelings for this man. I hung in there until July this year. He was very distant, didn't seem to care at all about me, or my feelings. Was no longer affectionate, we never saw each other (his choice) and I found it very hard to understand what I had done. He kept saying that it was nothing that I did. We eventually broke up in July, because I couldn't take it anymore.

I have unresolved questions for him. I love this man. I knew when entering a relationship with him that he had depression, he had told me that straight up. What I wasn't expecting was to be completely discarded. No feelings from him whatsoever, overnight.

I wanted to remain friends with him, because even though our relationship towards the end, was terrible, I still see the person that he doesn't see.

Its been 4 months now. We see each other maybe once a month, I still have feelings there, he doesn't seem to. This has sent me into a major depression. I am currently medicated with 2 different types of depression tablets, morning and night.

I feel like I have lost the love of my life and I can't seem to let go of him. But he is so numb and non-emotional about everything in his life.

I don't know what to do. He will not seek help. He says that he has been on a variety of different medication before with no effect, and he doesn't feel that a psychologist helps. He has been to see a few before. He doesn't have anyone in his life, and he says that no one ever stays. I don't want to be the one that also leaves, I want to be there for him. But I also want a relationship with him. What do I do?

2 Replies 2

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Dani1980~

Welcome here to the Forum. My apologies for the delay in being answered, it is no reflection on either you or your situation, sadly just the way the system works sometimes.

You have been given a very hard time by life and I feel for you. You don't say much about your breakup with your ex but from what you do say about the latest relationship it does not sound as if you have done anything wrong at all.

As someone who suffers depression yourself I guess you have an idea of how it can affect a person. In my case it can lead to despair, isolation, being withdrawn, not wanting contact, not feeling like I love anyone - or am capable of love, and to anger too.

If you are facing something similar in this man over a long period you simply are not going to be able to have the relationship you desire. He really does need to get his depression under control, and to do that, after this length of time, I would think he needs medical help -meds and therapy.

While you can see the need for this he does not, so you are stuck. Unless you, or someone you can think of, can persuade him to get help then I'm afraid you have reached the limit of what you can do. I'd imagine you have tried everything possible by now anyway. Trying parents, siblings, friends or workmates is the only thing left.

I'm sorry the seems negative, however if you look around this forum you will see many who are in the same boat -someone that care about needs treatment and won't get it.

I'm somewhat concerned about you. Having depression and anxiety makes you very vulnerable and you need to look after yourself and your children. Have you been in regular contact with your doctor to monitor how you are going? Your welfare is of course not limited to medical matters, but lifestyle as well. As a single mother who works there are enormous pressures on you already. Illness and this relationship problem make it so much worse.

While not easy to do incorporating exercise, healthy eating and where possible good sleep do all help. In addition there is a need to distract yourself regularly, doing things just for you that you enjoy, take you away from life's problems and give you something to look forward to.

Do you have anyone to support you, family or friend? It can make a huge difference to talk wit someone who cares.

Croix

notsorosey
Community Member

Hiya,

I very much feel your pain. My partner has recently left me under similar circumstances. Everyday I struggle with not know what to do, scared he wont get better, scared Ill ruin any chances of getting back together, hurt by how hes treating me, scared about what he may or may not do, not knowing what my role/responsibility is when I know he really has no one else looking out for him.

I don't have an answer sorry but wanted you to know that I understand and share your pain. It hurts more than anything I could ever imagine and understand you want to help him so bad but he just wont let you. Mental illness is hard and unpredictable.

I know its hard to hear and I still have issues with hearing it but you have to focus on yourself and your beautiful children. But the one piece of advise I have found the most most useful is that no one knows your life better than you- that includes your relationship. Do what you feel is right but make sure you think about everything carefully before acting on it. Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

I wish I had better advise for you- would make my situation better too.

Sending love.