Parenting with no support
How often would you say your kids get you in a bad mood & you loose your patience slightly?
My son will be 4 and my daughter 2 in February & I have been a stay at home mum since my oldest was born. Last week we had the best week, kids were happy & well behaved & I felt blessed to have amazing kids. My son asks a million questions a day & my daughter is high needs. This week they have been ferral, my son hurting his sister, fighting, screaming pulling everything out everywhere to the point where I yelled at my son yesterday & felt terrible about it causing me to be in tears all afternoon 😢 my husband came home from work & I just cried because I'd had enough & was relieved to see him. He then turns around & says I need to do something about it & don't let things get to me & stop speaking to the kids like I hate them. Saying I have a problem, he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, is medicated and it's like he's implying I have the same. I don't feel like I speak to them like I hate them but I'm the only one that tries to discipline them with out me doing so they would have zero discipline, he sees me at the end of the day when I'm over it and he has stayed back at work for 1 - 1.5 hours drinking beer each day while I cook dinner & we eat without him. He says it's my behaviour that makes the kids naughty because I tell them not to do certain things. I don't know what to do, I feel like I can't win if I tell him he needs to tell the kids no more he thinks I'm accusing him of doing nothing and he gets cranky with me saying he does alot more than other men. I have no support from family or friends and I rarely get a break. I told him I don't like him drinking everyday and he told me I need to be more responsible of my emotions and take responsibility of my own actions and don't worry about it. He then goes to work again and I'm left home with the kids to ponder his words over in my mind which leaves me feeling hurt and unappreciated. I feel like he should give me some support and understanding instead of just accusing me of having issues that I take out on the kids and him, yes I feel stressed at times but what stay at home mum doesn't, surely it's normal to get annoyed by your children every so often. I can't be perfect and happy all of the time, I seriously wish I could, that would be the best life ever and I don't believe anyone lives like that. I feel like I'm not allowed to have a bad day, as soon as I do I'm criticised for it which gets me down
I do have a husband who will be moving
Do you have playgroups nearby at all? get out and connect with some other mums.
Be kind to yourself though it is hard bringing up
I feel you! I'm in a similar situation. 2 boys age 4 & 18months. I was working but am a stay at home mum now again. My partner works long hours and stays back for drinks and then the first thing he does once home is smokes weed. He is in general, unreliable , lazy & forgetful. Im sure this is because he is always drunk or high. If i ever speak up and ask him to get his act together - i am being unreasonable.
Like you- when im at home alone with kids i think through his words and i usually get really upset. Then i find I'm less tolerant to deal with my kids being naughty. I shout and even say stupid things. Then i cry because i snapped at the kids.
Sorry, I suppose this wouldn't be of much help but i wanted you to know you're not alone. I understand. Im going through similar. It sometimes seems like all my patience is being tested for days. Then when ive had absolutely enough of living that way, i get some tiny spark of motivation. I pick up the pieces of the messy house. I take the kids for days out to park, beach and have ice cream. I have a couple of good days...
Its tough, parenting. And its way WAY tough going it with little or no support. Hang in there. Sorry if i wasn't much help.
Thank you for your reply.
It is actually more helpful than you think, just hearing someone else feels exactly the way I do. This week my low tolerance began because I just felt off in the tummy for a few days maybe from something I ate and my husband said what's wrong with you are you sick or something? And wow you seem really stressed today. I had told him many times that day I felt off and a bit sick and the way he said it I felt like I have no right to have an off day. Up until then I had about 3 weeks of feeling like I had it all together and things were going well. Then the kids were really naughty doing everything they know they shouldn't be doing So then I was pushed to my limit. It's difficult enough maintaining tolerance when you feel off without someone you love dropping stupid comments and treating you like you have no right to feel sick. Especially when he regularly drinks up to 20 beers, vomits and sleeps the whole day the next day and he thinks that's acceptable.
I do the same as you every so often I lose my tolerance for a few days and then I pick it back up again and get everything in order for a while then it all falls apart again. His comments make me think there's something wrong with me but I can't help but wonder if it's just the stresses of being a mum and wife and trying to please everyone all the time while doing the same thing day in day out.
I need to get out more with the kids so there's not So much monotony I guess.
Im glad my husband doesn't smoke weed, he used to when I met him but I told him it's either weed or me and he's only had a small puff of someone's at a party 4 times in 17 years, once infront of me trying to stir me up and I got up and walked out. It makes them very inconsiderate of other people I feel. I cant stand the stuff, im 37 and never tried it, ive seen too many lives ruined by it. I hope things get better for you too.
Thank you. I do need to get out more as I feel being a stay at home mum becomes very monotonous. It's mostly the little things my husband says to me and does that I dwell on and upset me and causing me to have no tolerance. Then when i raise them with him he tells me that i have problems that i need to take responsibility of, he says this because no one in my family thinks anything that goes wrong is their fault and they never take blame for anything. He thinks because I get down sometimes it's because I have a problem that needs addressing and He hasn't done anything wrong, so it's a bit of vicious cycle. I'm actually down and hurt because of what has been said and done and now we can't even talk about it because it gets put straight back on me.
Just wish he would see that I am doing the best dam job that I possibly can, they're our kids I love them and I want them to have the best life I can give them.
I've found being a stay at home mum is the most lonely yet somehow most smothering role I have done.
Id love for him to be the stay at home dad for a while and see how he copes, now that would be interesting.
Yes its like a roller coaster. A few good days / weeks, then something happens that brings it all tumbling back down.
For me the hard times are either when i am or the kids are sick. For obvious reasons lol. Or then, when i have tried talking to my partner about things- he gets instantly defensive and says the most horrible or stupid things sometmes.
Just recently I've had to pay 6 grand out of my savings because of his laziness. Ive had to take my youngest out of childcare, lost my job and seen my partner smoke weed in front of the kids.
So these are the things i try to calmly discuss with my partner but he groans at me, makes me feel like im nagging. He even will call me this and other things. Thats if im lucky to get any words out of him.
So i spend alot of time thinking this isn't how it should be, how can i get him to listen/ understand, should i leave him again?
And then, when the kids are being naughty kids as they all do at times, im already conflicted / upset. Its so much more difficult to handle the situation calmly.
The best thing i can do is ignore my problems with my partner. Push the thoughts out of my mind and enjoy the kids. Easier said than done. Especially when he says things that seem to just hurt.
Yesterday my partner told me this is what you make it. He was implying that i could just chill and be happy regardless of him smoking weed in front of the kids or that i had to waste 6k of my savings because of his laziness to get some paperwork done. (I spent a year "nagging" him to do this said paperwork.)
So yes point is, this one little statement "it is what you make it" hit me hard and now im thinking all the thoughts.
Thanks for listening- its helping me also to get it out! 🙂
No worries im happy to listen, i know what it's like when no one else seems to listen and people you love are bringing you down with silly remarks.
Right now my husband and son are out the front playing in the garage while I'm inside with our 20 month old daughter screaming non stop because she wants to join them, if I let her out there she runs away up the street because he's painting our sons bike and not watching her, or I have to go out there too and chase her non stop which I don't feel like doing, because that's all I ever do. I asked him to paint the bike when she goes down for her nap but nope don't listen to me. May sound silly to be annoyed about but she is obsessive and whines and screams non stop, very difficult baby to make happy or do anything with, everywhere we go there's a major drama so I just give up and do nothing, because everytime I try to do something enjoyable I'm once again reminded I can't do anything.
Sorry your partner is telling you to just chill and be happy he's smoking weed infront of the kids. That is wrong and something I would not put up with myself. I've always been told that kids lead by example, with saying that though my siblings were very heavy weed smokers and took other various drugs too and i seen the damage it made to their lives and it made me not want to go down the path they did. I guess it comes down to the individuals personality, some like to follow the crowd and do what everyone else does and others aren't afraid to breakaway from something everyone else is doing to do what they feel is right for them.
I hope you can get through to him and make him see what he's doing is not right, you can't just turn off the way his actions make you feel, if you were to do something that would upset him, how would he feel if you just told him not to worry about it? Raising children is one of the hardest things we could ever do, no wonder they used to say it takes a village to raise a child, I now understand that saying, we all need support and hope to get that from our loved ones more than anyone.
Hi Hailsm and welcome,
First of all sending you a big hug cos parenting is a tough job. Secondly, yes, we all lose it sometimes. It doesn't mean you love them any less but you'e human too. Gosh, I could have written your post myself, been there done that. I had 2 under 2, stay at home mum, did most of everything and my now ex husband going on about how much he does and he does more than others 1st. He still goes on about it even though we are divorced and kids are with me most of the time. I think hubby needs to pull his finger out. Not fair to go drinking every night and not even eat dinner with the family. I think he dors it to avoid responsibility at home. Is he getting treatment for anxiety/depreszion? My ex thought thst he didn' have to lift a finger cos he worked and I didn't. Also thought I didn' deserve to socialize with friends if he had to look after the kids. Do you get time to do things just for you? Catch up with friends, shop, etc? Do you have a mother' group or play group? Your kids Do not behave that way cos of you its because they are kids! I have a 4 yo too, different dad, hardly around. When he couldn't handle her tantrums he too said it was my fault cos I did something.
You're not alone and NO different to the rest of us. Keep posting. I hear you.
My husband is medicated and I have noticed that since he has taken his medication, everything is him saying don't worry about it, stop stressing, you worry too much, just let the kids go and do what they want bla bla bla. It' almost like it's turned off the part if him that makes him worry about anything, ive had times where I feel like I must need medication too because he makes me feel stupid for worrying about things like my 20 month old about to fall off the trampoline etc or my son shoving her to the ground. Yes she is a tough cookie but shes still my baby girl and I can't help it.
I go for a mountain bike ride for an hour a week and maybe do groceries once a week alone but that's about it, when I do get away I always feel like I need to rush back, I don't know why but I do. I was getting out most afternoons for an hour the other week and I was told I need to sort myself out if the kids are getting to me that badly. I just don't know what I can say to him to make him realise I need a break.
Right now he has halved his medication so things will probably get interesting as a result.