What should I do, please help

[Hun]

So I am the same person that said about my partner won't divorce his ex, when I met my partner I knew he still have kids living at home, they are adult, one he moved out now we have his daughter she is 22 and her boyfriend 25 living with us, he have a strong connection with this daughter which is nice, every time I buy anything or move stuff she question that even if I want to buy anything I have to buy something she approve of it, don't get me wrong she is nice and I like her but we all have to pleased her even her boyfriend. They never wash do anything around the house unless they have been asked, they live downstairs they clean it but if the bring a dish they leave it in the sink. My question is should I ask my partner in one year or 2 can we down size so hopefully they move out, I want my own place to do whatever I want, I am tired of watching my steps or move just in case she doesn't like it. Please any advice will be helpful.

[Sophia16]

Hi Hun,

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are exhausted and conflicted.

It can be hard to live with adult children. Especially when they don't clean up after themselves.

Have you asked to tell your partner how you feel about living with his daughter? He may agree to move out. You should ask whenever you feel ready and comfortable.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

[Hun]

Hi Sophie

I don't know how to ask him that without make him upset, he is very kind and he doesn't like to ask them to move out, to be honest it doesn't worry me if I know they are staying for a year or two but every time she is talking, it looks like she doesn't want to leave, everytime if I move something or buy something new for the house I feel I have been judged. I give you an example my partner ex she likes status and they were in the garden I don't like them so I moved them his daughter came and she start mumbling stuff and she took one of the status and put it back and when I asked my partner he said that he said to her that she can choose one if she wants, see what I mean I don't feel I can do things without her interfering, I know it is her house but I am paying rent to my partner. I do all the cooking with no complaints.

[Sophia16]

It sounds like you are doing a lot for the household and they aren't providing the same effort back.

I know you think it will make your partner angry by speaking to him, but expressing how you feel in a household you are paying rent for seems like the best option. You deserve better, everyone is human. Remember, communication is key 🙂

The daughter seems very comfortable living in her father's home. I don't think she will move out unless her father says something about it.

[Hun]

Thanks Sophie. I will talk to him sometimes this week

[Sophia16]

Let me know how everything goes 🙂

Good luck!

[Juliet_84]

Hi hun,

I think there are deeper issues here for all of you and that may be why there is this resistance etc from his daughter. Regarding the statues, I think it may be more what it represents to his daughter. Children of divorce often have a worry that they are being replaced or will no longer be “number 1” in their dad’s eyes. And new partners often struggle with what is seen as a lack of respect for their position because of these behaviors or the feeling that they aren’t as important as the family unit so have a desire to assert control. You will need to navigate this situation fairly carefully. I would warn against butting heads with his daughter, as although that may be the natural inclination, it will undoubtedly cause issues with your partner and may even be a dealbreaker for him. The reality is that his children aren’t going anywhere, they may move out of his house but will always be heavily in his life, so you need to find a way to get on with them. I know this is not easy but perhaps start slowly and work your way up to taking her out for the day to do something that she likes.

[Juliet_84]

That being said, if your daughter is 22 and her partner is 25 hopefully you can expect them to move out in the near future. Although property prices have made life difficult for younger generations now.

[tranzcrybe]

Sorry if I sound a bit confused, but are you in a relationship, a tenant, or servant?
These things are mutually exclusive and it would help to clearly identify your status (for yourself) to know where you stand and how much weight your input carries in household affairs.

It might be time for a 'family conference' around the table for all to air their grievances, make peace/compromise/resolution, and move forward with clear consciences. It's a complicated situation indeed that will require tact and patience to find your place.

[jaz28]

Hi Hun,

Sorry to hear. Surely soon they will move out, but the housing market atm is terrible - way too expensive. Have they tried to move out?

Have you talked to your partner about this? You cannot be expected to clean up after 20+-year-old adults, my mother would never let me get away with that (I am 20, nearly 21).

I think you should talk to your partner, your honesty will surely be appreciated. Try to make it seem like it's not an attack on their parenting though.

Hope things improve,

jaz xx