FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

What do my thoughts mean?

Guest_342
Community Member

I met someone in January 2020 - he lives in Sydney and I live in Melbourne. We flew back and forth until March when the lockdowns started. Then we didn't see each other for 8 months until December. Then there was a series of border closures and lockdowns from the lead-up to Xmas and beyond - he couldn't come here for Xmas because of a Sydney outbreak and then you know what happened in 2021. It was a roller coaster ride if not knowing if our plans to catch up would fall through and, if so, how long it might take to open up the border again. It took a massive toll on me, even though we were very committed and he said he was going nowhere and wanted to keep the relationship going.

I am late 30s and want to have a family but I sensed that he wasn't fussed and he wasn't in a rush to express that he loves me, despite my saying so. I also found it hard that he didn't fly down here in April when my nephew passed away and he also didn't call me that day. When I made a spontaneous trip the night of the funeral and met me at the trains with an annoyed look on his face because he had had a tiring day of moving furniture (he had just relocated to a new apartment) and made no mention to his friends as to why I was in Sydney at short notice. He didn't really ask me how I was.

Anyway, we got over that and then he visited Melbourne in May for a long weekend. All of a sudden I got this overwhelming feeling that I wasn't attracted to him. And I broke up with him the day he left.

I can't work out what it was - I suspect the stress of the pandemic situation wore me out and the uncertainty going forward regarding when we'd see each other again was too much. Maybe my emotions shut down?

We had great conversations and could be silly together. Though there were a few things that didn't entirely match my values like his work ethic and career drive and connection to family. He contacted me recently and said he still has feelings for me.

Now I find myself thinking about him a lot. But I can't tell if it is loneliness, the desire to have a family, or whether it was a genuinely good connection that fizzled due to covid.

It was his birthday today but I didn't contact him - didn't want to pester him.

How do I sort out my thoughts?? What do they mean?

17 Replies 17

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Guest, you have been on the forums for a while as your post count tells us, but like all of us you aren't free from having concerns, but I think you've answered your own question, as you have told us you love him, but he was slow to return the compliment, especially if he didn't say the word 'love' but said it another way.

As he didn't contact you when your nephew passed away, which I am dearly so sorry has happened and you didn't wish him a happy birthday, simply outlines how you both feel about each other.

This wouldn't happen if you both loved one another, all you would want to do is to be with each other, that's true love.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

The_Bro
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi there Guest_342

Geoff has made some very good points.

The interesting part about your post is that he contacted you recently and said he still has feelings for you. But he still hasn't told you that he loves you!

I sounds like you are a balanced person and have thought through the relationship pretty carefully. Given his recent contact, I just wonder if you could try being quite direct and asking him what his feelings are about a long term, serious relationship, and perhaps having kids?

Guys I know will run a mile from a relationship they are not really interested in when asked this. Don't worry about it being too soon as you have known each other for coming up to two years after all! And you are in late 30's so the question is entirely reasonable.

BUT if he really feels for you he should react very positively to that! When my wife was my girlfriend, the first time we discussed the future and kids, I felt a kind of of pleasant tingling and a feeling that yes, kids with this person would be great and something to look forward to.

At least you will then know where you stand. Kind of like a circuit breaker. If he can't be part of the future you want, there is little reason to continue.

The issue of living in separate cities will of course have to be sorted.

So give it a go you fierce woman - very happy to hear what you think and end up doing!

All the best, The Bro

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi guest.

Your situation is all very ironic bc mine was very very similar. She's in Sydney l'm in Vic . We've been up and down through borders and shutdowns and no planes flying and Melbourne's ring of steel and anything else l've forgotten 8 times all up through the pandemic. l don't even know now how we managed 1/2 of it.

At any rate yeah , you've got some very good replies there and yeah l agree with Geoff. And also bro and most def' , just talk to him about that stuff , 2 yrs, he'll either run or be open and keen but either way you can't waste any more time on him if he isn't for real or you don't have the same futures in mind.Tbh, you guys should've talked about all that stuff yrs ago. Of course you probably would've have known if it would be with ea other but you should at least want the same things.

Why you dumped it, l'd be suspecting some self sabotaging come panic come fear in there amongst it tbh. Our situation and my gf's circumstances tbh we're very dicey in that she has some very serious legal matters that've have taken so far 2 yrs and likely another 2 or 3min now and she may even have to leave the country. Admittedly my guard's been up right through and at times l know l'd subconsciously done some sabotaging too . l was scared to fall in love or admit it to myself you'd say, or think about a future, because of her legal matters and here we are . 3yrs later and we've basically had to break up bc of them for now , whole nother story.

Anyway , if you wanna go any further you need to know he loves you for real and you need to talk about what you both want .

Good luck anyway. rx.

Positive_vibes89
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello, from what I am reading is that you have been with him for two years approx, during this time he should have figured out if he loves you. If he is unable to reciprocate your feelings during this time and express that he loves you back, he could have issues with committment. I think your'e having second thoughts about this man because you do not share the same values. If you do want to be with him, it sounds like you will be giving up alot that you want within your life. Long distance is very hard to keep up with when it comes to resltionships and its very rare that they work out. It sounds like your inner voice is telling you that he is not the guy for you, despite covid. In my opinion, I think its wise to move on and find somebody else.

If you have doubts about finding somone to start a family with being in your late 30s, I suggest you consider the option of egg freezing. As when you get past the age of 35 trying to have kids gets very hard. You dont need a man to have children, there are some good options out there. This man just doesnt sound like the right man for you.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Did you have plans of either moving op or ?

As long as you've both known those from early in if things went go ok , it's fine.We'd talked about all that in the first few days we met and she was going to move down to mine if all went well. With her trips down she was staying a mth to 3mths at a time so we were living together when she was down. l kept putting it off though was the problem , l just needed more time with it all before getting in that deep.

Unfortunately l really messed up though bc earlier she could've transferred her legal matters down to Vic and we could've handled them from my place , but later on as they got more along , it was too late to transfer it down to Vic by then and so due to me putting off her moving down , she had to stay in Sydney by that stage and go on with them there.

rx

Guest_342
Community Member

Thank you, everyone, ever so much for your really thoughtful responses. I was a little blown away by the time and thought you gave me.

Geoff - Thank you, those are some good points. Indeed, we had about 18 months 'together' (albeit largely divided by covid border closures), but he couldn't tell me he loved me. In fact, towards the end he sent me a meme via text and it was flashing "I love you" across the top. My heart melted and then, almost immediately, he sent another text saying that he hadn't realised it said that before he sent it. I said, "Should I pretend the picture doesn't have that up the top?" And he said something like, "Haha yeah...".

Bro - Your response made me smile. Thank you. I feel he was committed but the problem might have been that we didn't share some important goals and values. For instance, I am big on saying how I feel for someone. I indicated on a few occasions that I was falling for him and he shot me down each time. And then there was the meme, which I outlined above in response to Geoff. I did ask some time ago if he wanted a family as a life goal and he said basically he wasn't fussed. He certainty didn't get that tingly lovely feeling that you described that you got when hearing the same regarding your partner. I think I might already have the answer without asking him again. He would certainly want to share a life with me but not with key goals and values aligned.

rx - Thank you for your honest response and drawing on your own life experiences. I'm sorry to hear of your own relationship struggles and wish you well. That's true - we probably should have talked more. It was hard due to being apart for the lockdowns in 2020 and 2021 but yes we could have talked a bit more. You're right, I think there's a bit of self-sabotage in the mix.

Positive vibes - You're so right. It does feel like he is not right for me.

Hi guest and thx to btw.

Just about your last line there , that's a biggie.

l don't know about for you but with me, if some thing or someone didn't feel right then it usually isn't and your most probably right.

All the best.

rx

Thank you again so so much, rx.

Best wishes!

The_Bro
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi again Guest_342.

I am so glad my post made you smile - thank you!

Oh dear - he shot you down when you expressed your feelings for him?

Your gift of being open and free with your expressions is fantastic. Having someone tell you they love you is the best feeling ever!

I am getting the vibe that he likes having you around but no more than that, doesn't want to commit, and that you have realised this.

It hurts I know - The Black Keys song 'Little Black Submarines' has a great line 'A broken heart is blind". So no it will not be at all easy to move away from him and tone down your feelings, but looking back on this in years to come you will realise it was the right thing.

I have this feeling that won't go away - the perfect guy who craves a future with you, and a daughter who looks just like you, is just around the corner.

All the best, stay strong and love yourself!

The Bro