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What do I do?

Community Member

I (34f) am having an affair with (47m) colleague

Stuck in my head.

Everyone is going to think I’m an asshole, as I probably am one. In fact I know I am one, but life is complex.
I’m a 34 year old female who has been with my husband also 34 for 11 years. We have 2 children aged 6 & 2. Our marriage certainly hasn’t been without complications and there’s been rocky times particularly after we had our first child but we are still standing.
When we met, I’d had a string of failed/bad relationships - your usual ghosting scenarios, men not wanting to commit etc… so when he came along and was so nice, I just went with it. In hindsight, it certainly wasn’t that head over heals feeling… but there was familiarity that I never worried he wasn’t going to text etc. I don’t know looking back if he was ever head over heals for me… it certainly didn’t seem to be a crazy passionate lover affair, more of a slow and steady burn.

I started a new job four years ago. Our marriage was rocky with a two year old and we had some problems with interfering family members. There was a good chance for a while we would not make it. It became very volatile.

I ended up striking up a friendship through work. I remember the first time I saw him and I’ve since been told vice versa. There was crazy underlining chemistry in this friendship. We ended up sitting next to each other three years ago and the friendship ramped up - we’d talk for hours when we were at work.. I looked forward to seeing him so much. At the Xmas party that year, we ended up kissing and it was incredible. A week later, I found out I was pregnant with my husband and my second child. That was that, I put things in their place. When I’d see him at work, he was like a lovestruck puppy… but respectful as well and never crossed boundaries. It was horrible having to tell him I was pregnant. Note he also has a girlfriend.

I ended up having my second child and then had a years maternity leave. Life was good, I relished my life at home with my two kids. Out of sight and out of mind is really true. Once my maternity leave ended, I had to go back to work and it was like no time had passed between us. At a work do, we ended up having a great chat and said we couldn’t understand why we both liked each other so much but acknowledged that we did. We stayed out until 2am dancing after the event however no physical boundaries were crossed.

Eventually we both met up once for a picnic, and kissed. The next time we met up, it was in a hotel room & there have been several meet ups since.
I am in my head, thinking I want to leave my husband and that I am in love with him.

He’s never asked and nor do I think he would ask me to leave, as he says he doesn’t want to hurt my family but I think he loves me too. He honestly looks at me like no one has ever looked at me before. Because our lives are so busy, the meet ups are so infrequent that I only get small tastes in to what life would be like and the remaining time we only see each other through work. He mirrors my language, shows genuine interest in my life, is affectionate when we are together which makes me think it’s more than sex. He’s told me once he feels deeply for me..

I know the grass isn’t always greener, but despite my affair, I feel my marriage is stagnant. I resent the additional house duties I take on while working, I feel like the passion is not there but I also do love my husband - he’s my family and would want to remain friends should we split and share custody.

I don’t know what to do. Im half thinking I should leave, break both situations off and focus on being single and my kids to get my head right.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and left their current partner and come out the other side? Do you regret your choice? Would you have regretted staying more? Do I stay unhappy and wanting more from my marriage for the sake of my family? Do I blow everything apart when it may not even work out? 

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome 


The questions you ask is not possible to answer. It's decisions you make yourself


Say I said "yes, leave and be single then gamble if that grass is greener". What are the consequences? A father could lose his full time fatherhood if you get custody, 2 kids lose their full time dad or at least lose both parents united. You will be gambling on love... mmm that doesn't always work out.


The alternative is suggesting to you that you ignore the love you have for this man... and devote the next many years to your family unit.... maybe try to ignite your marriage.


That's why it's a frustrating situation with suffering guaranteed if you leave and personal sorrow if you don't.


So, perhaps a relationship counsellor can clarify better and ease some discomfort.


I hope you are OK. 



Community Champion
Community Champion

I agree with Tony  it is up to you.

people can share experiences but it is up to you and I am sure you know that. 

It is exciting e hen you meet someone who makes yiu feel alive and who shows interest in you  when you are coping with work and family duties. You love your husband but with the children and work your relationship may not  have the spark  you have with the older man.

Take care.