Was I abused as a child??

[EarthAngle]

I’m having some things come up from my childhood, since yesterday I had the first real every argument with my father over the phone yesterday, I am over thirty. I saw colours in him I never new existed.

these were colours of gasliting, controlling, blaming and victim mentality. He is resentful of me about the past (I was a kid) and it has sept out into our relationship over all these years, with anger, rudeness and grumpiness… I hated being around my dad for this reason and kind of still do… I am an empath and feed off these emotions, it makes me terribly uncomfortable. Anyway since this event arose yesterday I had been noticing things from my childhood popping up, such as; when I was 8 he got all three of us kids to line up in the dining room, my father sitting on the chair with a fry pan cord… I knew what we were in for, all this for not getting our room cleaned on time. He asked “who’s first?” Myself being the youngest, I braved and said “me”. He hit me so hard that I was left with a very sore  bruise upper thigh on the backside of my leg where the temperature dial of the fry pan cord got me. It was a big bruise, my teachers the next day sore it, they were very concerned, but little me with a big heart told them “it’s okay, I deserved it”. Mum wanted to do something about it but she didn’t, my father is a very assertive man.
I would never ever ever think about doing something like that to my kid EVER! I kept saying to myself over the years that it never hurt me, actually thinking about it… I believe it did. He would criticise me a lot on my AWESOME drawings when I was younger, wouldn’t let me colour in his colour in book because “ you won’t colour in the lines” that stuck with me, he pushed and shoved into me while I payed down on the couch one day… I was a young teen, I don’t remember what I did wrong to deserve that.. it scared me and got my attention, he through a lighter at me and it hit me in my eye and because I cry’d he told me not to and that it wouldn’t of hurt that much. When my mother had cancer and I’m hospital us kids were being looked after by him, I remember being so upset (this occurred when I was 7)  he didn’t come in to comfort me… it was so hard not knowing if my mother was going to come home or not. I just never felt validated by him, there were other insistences I remember but it’d take too long to write. I felt always criticised, I hated his energy and actually kind of still do, always yelling, always cranky. Was I abused?? 

[james1]

Hello EarthAngle,

I'm so sorry to hear about your childhood. It sounds like a terrifying time for you as a child, and I imagine these memories are really challenging to think through even now.

I had similar thoughts about my own childhood and questions around whether they were normal experiences, or if something else was going on. I ended up going to see a psychologist to talk process them, as it was very hard on my own. I think the question of abuse is really down to how you felt. The same experience can affect people differently and it certainly sounds like you were really hurt at times, emotionally and physically.

Have you spoken to, or thought about speaking to, anyone else about these memories and how you feel about them now?

James

[EarthAngle]

Hi James,

Thank you for taking the time to comment, makes me feel heard. 

I have seen a few councillors and phycologists in the past, they confirmed that I have underlying issues around my anxiety and other behaviours relating to what I had experienced in the past.

It has only been since yesterday that it really made me see why I react, respond and feel the way I feel about my father. I have told my father politely that I just want to be left alone for a while, even though I didn’t handle the argument we had with grace, I believe he needs to own what is his and move forward instead of living in the past and I just need to take myself away from the tension and negativity for a while, I will also seek counseling. To be honest I don’t have a huge respect for my father sadly, I never really have. He has done good things for me but it’s always felt like business transactions, like I owe him. Most of the time when he would come over or call me there seemed to be an agenda behind it. I believe he does try to some degree but it doesn’t exactly help, I have try’d to show empathy and compassion but it doesn’t really change anything so I just snapped yesterday. 

Anyway I won’t bombard you, I feel you will have some understanding about where I am coming from.

Thanks so much James for commenting, I also hope you have found some solace and peace in your experience and continue find it through your journey. 

[RememberLove]

Dearest Earth Angel, thank you for sharing your story. I can hear and feel the terrified little child yearning for love and validation, only to be abused. 

Your story sounds like you were abused as a child, and maybe continue to be. Whether your father was conscious of his abuse or not is something else. I hope you find solace within yourself, and know you are whole. With love, x 

[james1]

Hello EarthAngle,

Thanks for replying and telling us more about what you've been thinking and feeling. It's quite timely because I just had a bit of a family 'discussion' this past weekend. As you can imagine, it was quite stressful so I'm very grateful to hear such open words from you.

It's fantastic to hear you are trying to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. I can empathise and understand a lot of what you have said about your relationship with your father. I have managed to wrangle a healthy but distant relationship in my own case, and now it's my sister who's going through the ringer a bit. From your post, it sounds like you're also moving forward to try and make sense of things. I hope the counselling helps.

Feel free to post here whenever you like. I think there are many of us here who have had similar experiences, so there's certainly no judgement at all. I think we all just want to find a way to make sense of the past, and hopefully have a better relationship with family in the future.

James