Want a separation

[Dazedandconfused123]

I've decided I want to separation from my husband.

Recently have been seeing a counsellor myself, who's helped me realise that I am not invested in this marriage and quite frankly it's a toxic one with emotional and controlling behaviour by my husband. 

I have suggested counselling a few times to him (was met with - "i don't think it's needed"), and after being brutally honest about my unhappiness 4 weeks ago and telling him to organise couples counselling to help save us, he hasn't done a thing.

I am looking to seek legal advice as we own property and have a child, and I'm trying to save money in secret, as he looks after the finances (one of the toxic behaviours I have learnt).

So, this comes to my conundrum. I need to ask for separation, but I don't know when I should.

Should I wait until I have enough money saved to move out if needed? Should I say something soon and force a counselling session (i hear this looks better for divorce/custody etc).

We have a family holiday overseas planned in 5 weeks time, should I do it before then or go on the holiday and pretend everything is ok?

Really appreciate any advice, it's not something you can easily ask friends! 

[white knight]

Hi,

Writing a letter can be seen as "official" but you have good reason. I'd suggest you mention "you know I cant verbally talk well to anyone so have written this letter instead and appreciate your response".

Children are resilient, they adapt quickly, better than adults do so home changes and one parent at a time will be ok in the medium term. Dont fret over your child, as long as she sees both parents and better still if the communication between you both is maintained then your child will be ok and remain adjusted.

Both you and your husband remaining in the family home until it sells isnt such a good idea. What do you plan for parenting? 50/50? 12 days with you and every second weekend with the childs father? This is a topic you need to discuss and if you feel you cannot do so for any reason quietly and efficiently then a family/couples counsellor is ideal.

Until your child is 18yo you will need to communicate with your partner. This can be incredibly difficult. I had to do this for 14 years until my youngest reached 18yo and I can say, I tried everything to remain cordial but it didnt work. So try to maintain respect and think of the benefits for the child of any chuckles and ease of talking in the childs presence.

Good luck

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hey D&C, welcome back. 

I would book in for Mediation via Relationships Australia or another Govt recognised agency. 
Then as the time approaches for your meeting with them (the person who books the Mediation goes first and they don't notify the other party until AFTER you have had your meeting), then I would ask them how to notify. 

OR you could pay your Lawyer to write a letter

OR you could write a letter yourself

OR you could move out and then let him know. 

It's totally up to you. 
"Nesting" is not a term I've heard in relation to separation and divorce. 

If you mean "separated under the one roof" then this is a distinct step in Family Law and needs to be recognised by an Agency eg Centrelink / Child Support Agency and / or by YOUR Lawyer. 

I urge you to contact the Women's Legal Service in your state as soon as possible. You can explain your situation and they can relay excellent Legal advice for your precise situation. 

You will need to have it very clear in your mind what you want after separation (as Tony WK pointed out)... 
CARE of the child comes first - what Family Law expects is 50 / 50. 
PROPERTY comes second and it's more or less 50% depending upon length of the relationship, assets on cohabitation etc. 
These can be done simultaneously but often aren't as property can be a huge sticking point for many partners. 

I hope it's a simple process for you all, I've not seen many divorces completed "simply". 
EM

[geoff]

Hello Dazedandconfused, your daughter will accept a new place, I have known someone with two small girls who have separated and they were absolutely OK with this.

She would find it very difficult without you and should be in your plans when you do separate, I just hope that if you give your husband a letter that you are safe, but one way or another he has to be told.

Plan on what you want to take with you and find another place, because eventually this is what you will have to do, then wait until the house is sold and then make a decision about where you'll live, it may be better to rent rather than buy another house at the moment, just so you can stablish you and your daughter, because if you buy then there may be decisions about what needs to be done, again I don't think you need this right now.

Look after yourself and your daughter.

Geoff.

Life Member.