The warmest of welcomes to you at a time of your life where you're looking for change.
From my own experience, there's a good reason as to why I don't drink like I used to. While drinking can bring out the best in me in some cases (such as bringing out the social butterfly in me), it can also bring parts of me to life that I can't manage when I'm semi conscious. Learning to manage these parts of me when I'm fully conscious is a whole other challenge 😊.
Not sure whether it's relatable but I've found my inner dialogue changes when I've been drinking. There are so many helpful facets to me that I lose after a number of drinks. To offer an example, if the intolerant part of me comes to life, insisting 'You shouldn't have to tolerate that person's behaviour anymore. Tell them you've had enough and how destructive their nature is on you, how depressing it can be', it may be accompanied by the sage in me, which insists 'Be careful with what you say. Once it's out, you can't take it back'. When I used to drink, I'd lose that wise guide in me. While the intolerant part of us can lead us to stand up for our self, help us set boundaries when it comes to what we shouldn't have to tolerate, help improve our self esteem and help us determine our self worth etc, it may need to be accompanied by a part of us that keeps the reigns on it. In some cases, the intolerant part of us won't just burn bridges with people, it will take to those bridges with a high powered flame thrower when it's completely out of control. I suppose you could say that what your partner witnesses could be the resentful or intolerant part of you that is given free reign.
It definitely pays to develop the sage in us, with it's sage-like guidance. I've found it also pays to know how to get the people pleaser in us to take a back seat at times. If you've got a seriously well exercised people pleaser in you, you'd know it can sound like 'Don't rock the boat. Don't cause conflict. You'll upset that person and you don't want to upset them. Just keep things to yourself'. Our inner people pleaser typically won't encourage us to openly resolve issues, it'll more so encourage us to tolerate them. When those issues become intolerable and enraging, everything we've bottled up or suppressed will come out at some point.
I'm wondering whether you know why you resent your partner or what you resent about him. Being married to the same guy for 22 years, it took me a seriously long time to actually make sense of my resentment towards my husband in some cases. Being able to gain a better sense of what we're feeling means being fully conscious (as opposed to semi conscious). It can definitely be far from easy when what we're feeling is depressing in some cases.
