Unsure

[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Anzee]

I still feel so overwhelmed and confused and I keep second guessing myself and the whole situation and keep telling myself it really isn’t that bad and do I really need to have that talk with him 😩 mental health is exhausting!!

[emotionallydrained]

Anzee,

You came onto the forum, so you are worried about it and you do know there is an issue that needs to be addressed.

I totally hear you about doubting yourself and questioning whether things really are that bad. I'm in that stage right now. I'm in a good patch so I am regretting writing half the things I have and again wondering if it's really that bad. But I know they are things that have happened and they are only the tip. I have spent 10 years forgiving and forgetting thinking that it's not that bad or I'm the one causing the issue and causing his anger. But I now know this is not my fault and you shouldn't have to live on eggshells or worried about their next stressful moment or anger outburst. Everyone gets stressed but we don't go verbally abusing our loved ones blaming them for the bad day.

I've noticed more and more my child behaves differently when their dad isn't around. Kids sense when there is an issue and they know there is a problem, but they are learning that behaviour. This is the part that scares me the most too. How much are they learning and seeing that we don't even know? For me, I don't know how to fix it either or which way to go. But I do understand when you say that you doubt every day and what you wrote down yesterday may not seem as significant today.

One question I do have, does he or has he ever apologised for the arguments or anger outbursts? Or does he just move on and hope you'll forget about it?

Keep a diary of incidents and then you can see how frequently it is and what has triggered it that day. Then read it back and you will see that it's probably more frequent than you think and not as rosy as it seems on the good days either.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

While I agree with the things emotionallydrained has mentioned they are essentially logical, things you consider when calm and unemotional.

At the moment your emotions -or anxieties if you prefer - are running flat out giving you all the doubts and feelings you describe.

Logic will not work. The sorts of things that do are activities, exercise, doing things you know you have liked in the past, hugging and playing wiht the kids, and lots more along those lines.

There is one thing I use when I'm stuck and my worries are in a descending spiral, and I'm panicking. I use a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind.

Now I'm not that big a believer in most of the things you find on phones, however this one is reputable, non profit and even used by the NSW Education Department among others.

It get one to focus away from immediate troubles into a small world with just enough activity to calm a brain. It did take a bit of practice -but works. Even the 2 minute demo does some good (though there are lots of other things, some adult, some for kids.)

I have the attention span of a gnat, and Smiling Mind can be set to give me a gentle reminder about the time my mind starts to wander.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/

I'd suggest you give it a bit of trying and see how you go.

Dear Livingthedream22: Trying different ideas can be good, and by posting them up there is the chance for discussion, exactly what this place is deigned to do, no need for apologies

Croix

[Anzee]

So we had the talk, he was a bit angry and defensive at first but then he got very emotional and cried in my arms, apologised a few times and admitted that he needs some help 😊🤞🏼

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

That sounds like a good start, and he way well mean it, the tears of shame and regret.

I suppose the only way to realy find out is if he takes active steps with competent medical help. Sometimes it keeps going, for others it slackens off, in those cases I guess you have to be firm if you do not want it to all go back as it was.

Still, good news, please let us know what happens

Croix

[emotionallydrained]

That's a great positive step. I hope it all works out and he can get the help he needs.

Well done on being strong and speaking with him!

[Anzee]

We’ve definitely got a road ahead of us and we have got to this point a few times before and ended up back here but hopefully this time he does actually commit to going to see a professional. He has promised he will, but only time will tell. It was definitely an easier conversation than I was expecting to have though.

[Anzee]

So he hasn’t been too bad, but he has already lost his temper a bit over small things and hasn’t organised any help for himself as he said he will do it after covid.
But as much as I’ve tried to repress my childhood trauma it has come back with a vengeance and I have completely reached rock bottom and my psych mentioned to me Monday she thinks I might be suffering PTSD, I’ve started having nightmares and flashbacks and not sleeping so sent a new referral to CASA, but I am so scared I’m going to end up doing this without the support I need 😞 I told my mum on Monday night (we’re temporarily staying with her and she still lives at the house the abuse happened in so I think that’s contributing to the nightmares) about the possible PTSD and CASA and she implied that it was an exaggeration and then said well if you’re going to do it (casa) make sure you actually go this time, because I already felt so terrible I cried and went to my room and she came in and told me again how much easier this would have been if I dealt with it when I was young and said she felt like I wanted to blame her for how I feel (I know she’s probably feeling guilty herself that the abuse happened) but man I wish she could just say you’re going to be ok and I’m going to support you and make sure the kids are happy and safe because that is my main concern and that’s what stopped me from going through with CASA last time because I didn’t have anyone to take over supporting the kids or helping take on the mental load. Anyways I just need to vent and express how much I’m hurting with her reaction.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm sorry the way things are at the moment and particularly you mother is trying to minimize matters and by the sound of it put in a little pressure for you not report the matter - more conformable for her, less so for you.

Actually I think you are pretty brave to be at the scene of the abuse, even though my PSTD did not come from abuse there are till some places and people I avoid - precisely to avoid reliving matters, nightmares and all the unhappy rest of it..

I guess you have two problems, the current one with your husband and his temper and also being greatly influenced by your past experiences

For me at least PTSD has involved self-doubt, wondering if it was just me, wondering if things were that serious and many more I'm sure you are familiar with. This of course dictates in part how you deal with your husband's bad behavior.

I suspect without an unhappy history you would have had the confidence to see things without doubts and with the assurance to let him know he has consistent overstepped normal human boundaries and that it is up to him to immediately show positive steps to improve the situation - including obtaining medical help now, or you will take steps.

I do not know if your mother feels guilt now or has simply managed to make herself feel comfortable with the past. Either way it is greatly disappointing she is not flying to you support.

Is there anyone else you can think of to help you?

Croix

[Anzee]

We’ve had short stays at this house before between houses and I never had any issues with memories etc but I’d also never experienced a trigger like I did a couple of months ago so I’m so new to all of this. I don’t think my mum intentionally tries to make me feel worse but there is family secrets about my abuser and that he had a history of sexual assault and I think something happened to my eldest sister too so I think maybe her best coping mechanism is to pretend nothing happened so she doesn’t feel the guilt I imagine she would for knowing his history (as far as I know it was woman, like girlfriends not children) but still these days people seem to be a lot more aware of people’s past behaviours if they are allowing someone to be around their kids. I honestly couldn’t imagine the guilt she would feel for that but I don’t blame her and like I said right now I just want her to say I will support you and help you in any way I can and push our differences aside for my two very beautiful and innocent girls who are so scared seeing their mum cry all the time and struggle to get through the day without tears. I have told them I’m just feeling really sad about my dad dying when I was a kid and told my eldest that I am going to get some special counseling to help me not feel so sad about him all the time, but I still feel terrible that they have to see me like this and I would just feel so much more at ease knowing that someone is watching out for them when I’m not feeling great. My psych has suggested asking a couple of friends and my sister to share the support between the 3 of them but I just don’t know how to ask without feeling guilty as they all work and have families of their own to care for. I’ve told my two friends what’s going on for me right now and that I’m not coping very well but I just don’t have the guts to ask them to look after the kids a couple of hours a week while I do my counseling sessions.