Unsure

[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm afraid you have the same attitude to yourself that K used to have. I felt becuse I had a mental health conditon that I could not admit it, as if I did I'd be sayng I was some sort of lesser person -or failure. That went o for far to long, and I nearly died.

Now I know it is no worse than sayng you have broken leg -or malaria. The are simply things that go wrong, that's all.Now you mentioned you had spoken to a couple of our friends and said there were problems, so going one stage further and asking for them to mind the kids is not that big an ask. You simply do have to see a doctor like anyone else.

And comforting your children at the time somethng that would come naturally. Most friends want to help, and often feel guilty if they don't. I think your psych has a good idea.

I left things too late, was hospitalized and it was only thanks to family, manly my wife's mum, that she was able to cope. Please do not make my mistake.

Croix

[Anzee]

It just feels like a roller coaster, one week I’m feeling on top of things, the next I’m at rock bottom with no way out! I’m just hoping once I start my counseling with casa that will be another outlet for me and will hopefully help make my moods and emotions a bit more stable! As that is my main problem when I let things take over my emotions get so strong and dark I feel like I can’t cope and I’m drowning. I had another chat to 1800respect yesterday about it all and the issues it is causing in my relationship with my partner and she reassured me how normal all these feelings are to go through and that it’s all progress. I just need to stop looking for a quick fix and accept that all of these takes time to heal and work through and some weeks are going to suck but they will get better.. I’m just a very impatient person and I want things to happen straight away so when I’m not better instantly I get frustrated and wonder if I really want to go down this path or just tuck it all away again and pretend it doesn’t affect me..

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

I have had ups and downs too, with the downs leading me to think there was no answer.

Eventually when I started to get the correct treatment I was urged to use those up times to plan for the down times.

When down my brain was too occupied with the bad thoghts that there was no way i could think. So I needed to have a list of things I could just grab with no thought. These of course came from things I wrote down when ok -I needed the help of my partner to do a good job.

Distraction and safety were the themes I went for, and the distraction was pretty wide -a particular comedian on YouTube features a lot as wel as particular songs, books etc. It may not seem an answer to troubles, but troubles are better dealt with in the good times when you have judgment and perspective.

I'm glad you contacted 1800RESPECT -a good move when down..

You are right, no magic fixes, however with support life can be a lot better quite quickly

Croix

[Anzee]

I’m feeling like I don’t want to go through with casa again. I feel like I’m creating all of these distraction problems (like my partners temper and stress in our relationship) because I am too afraid to face the memories of the big problem, the abuse.. but by bringing up all of these distraction problems I feel like the rest of my life is falling apart around me and I’m pushing everyone I love away because I don’t want to burden them. I feel like I’m not ready for casa for those reasons but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I can see you might think you are burying the old under new, possibly less serious things, however there are two things wrong, they hurt now and you are afraid CASA will make matters worse. I do not know which CASA you mean, they all deal with the same thing but in different ways, though none are less than sensitive and understanding.

Taking blame on yourself about burying the old with new is simply part of your injury. Having low self esteem and blaming oneself are reactions to the original hurt.

I've no idea why, it seems wrong, sadly is true.

Maybe a different approach might help, you mention your psych said you might have PTSD, with flashbacks and nightmares and more.

This sounds like I have been, for the same reason, PTSD. Maybe looking into getting that addressed and then dealing with the past will be less hard. I remember I started to improve to the extent I could go do a course of study.

After that things got easier. A year before I could not do anything, a ball of raw emotion, anger and no feeling. Now most injury is gone or slight.

Apart from anything else the problem with your husband's anger is real for you and your kids, the temptation to grasp any sort of reason for inaction may only make things worse and give you less barging power and authority (yes, I mean authority). Please do not let your thoughts stop you insisting on his obtaining proper treatment now.

Croix

[Anzee]

This casa is pretty much a counseling clinic for people who have experienced sexual abuse. I went there once when I was about 12 but was definitely not ready and participated in all kinds of reckless behaviour instead. I know I’ve tried pushing it back down and failed with that but I am so scared and like I mentioned very impatient so I really don’t want to commit to my recovery, the way I feel when my progress has barely begun makes me feel like there is no way I want to be feeling like this for months or years!! I need to be present and supportive for my girls and I don’t feel like I can do that when I’m in a state, hence why I feel like this would be much easier to do when they’re older. I’m worried they’re going to end up needing therapy because of me!! One minute I’m happy and everything’s peachy, the next I have all this rage and anger bubbling inside me and I try so hard not to let them see it but they will ask me a question and I’m so short with them the poor things. I feel like a terrible mum and I feel so bad for them. I just feel like I’m losing my mind and I hate that feeling.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Maybe I'm wrong - your first set of experiences with a CASA when you were 12 and had no choices but to bolt has given you a rather set notion that the misery, guilt and all the rest of those thoughts and feelings are a necessary part ofit

You are now a mature human being, with judgment and the full control of not only your actions, but those of the therapist too. You are the expert on you -nobody else is -and therefore you form judgments as to what is reasonable, and can weight benefits. In fact the mapping out of a course of treatment is a start, where you put forward (or are offered) a discrete set of goals to be achieved, session by session for the whole course. You then control matters as things progress.

If it becomes onerous you say so and the therapist backs off or offers an alternative. I'm not saying you will exit each session necessarily in a happy mood, (I've come out in tears before now) but you should come out each time with hope and no feeling of helplessness. (The tears did not last and I felt better for them I think)

The days of blindly following a doctor, therapist or whatever have thankfully gone. Plus you can of course bail out if the setup, therapist or therapy are not right for you (some may well not be)

You are not losing your mind, you are reacting to surges of pain and tension in an environment where your husband can be a threat - so at times your anger bubbles up - rather human.

You may be right, not good for kids to get unpredictable results from a parent, but if they love you they can understand a surprising amount. There is no way you are a terrible mum when you are a refuge and source of comfort.

I also think it is natural to worry about the effects of a new course of treatment, with some that stops them, often for a 'plausible' reason. A pity.

You may think I've overly enthusiastic about CASA . I'm not, but when you reach the anger, triggering and flashbacks stage it is a worrying sign. Then I simply kept getting worse until the proper competent treatment came along. I have had things that made me worse but had enough courage to stop, even though in some ways at the time it made me feel a failure. Later I was glad I did and thoughts of failure evaporated.

I'll repeat, you are not losing your mind, simply reacting to the injury inside and uncertainty outside. You have a lot of love in you and I expect your reactions to the kids that give you the guilts are a lot less of a worry than you think.

Croix

[Anzee]

Every time I think I’m moving forward or making progress I freak out again and don’t think I can do it 😩

I felt like I was on top of it this morning, I contacted my eldest daughters principal and organised to have a phone meeting with her tomorrow afternoon so I can give her a bit of a rundown of what she’s going through and ask if there’s any extra support they can offer her if she needs it. I just need to get the courage up to rebook play therapy for the 4yo which feels like a daunting task because I have convinced myself that I’m going to take her and the psych is going to tell me I’ve already messed her up. Then it comes to the afternoon and I feel all doom and gloom again 😩 I just want to feel at least a little bit of consistency in my moods, I hate being so out of control of my feelings.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

You do have consistency -you always love your kids, and you do have control - you do whatever is best for them. Your psych is not going to say you mucked up, can't do bearing in mind the love and efforts you make. A lot of what you are trying to do is on their behalf so they will not see you grumpy or upset.

Yes you can do it, your concern for your kids makes things possible.

Hang in there Anzee

Croix

[Anzee]

Thanks Croix,

it is nice to be able to come here and vent without worrying about being judged or people knowing me.

I feel like every time I make it past one hurdle, another two have already arrived! I finally got the courage up at the start of the week to tell my partner that being intimate triggers me and that’s why I don’t enjoy it at the moment, again that talk was a lot easier than I expected it to be but not even a week later I just can’t deal with his bad moods because of not getting it and he had been promising the kids to do a day trip to the beach today but this morning he was just miserable and grumpy and every time the kids asked if we could do something at the beach he’d say no so I asked what I needed to do to make him happy and he said I already know what that is but I don’t want to do it, so I said it was fine and shut my mind off so I could be intimate which is what I had been doing for the last couple of months anyways before I got up the courage to talk to him about how it makes me feel. Like it is fine I can do it but it feels like the only thing I have that can make him happy and sometimes I wish there was something else.

The talk with the eldest principal went really well and she said there’s a couple of teachers she can talk to including her but they also have access to a child psych I just need to get a plan for her from the gp so that’s good to know if she feels like she needs that extra support 😊 I know it’s just the way it is but I feel like the longer I am on the wait list for casa the more anxious I get and the more I don’t want to do it anymore, I really just want to forget about it, move on and go back to living my life.