Unsure

[Anzee]

Hi I’ve been aware that my partner has a temper for most of our relationship and there was a time that he was really bad and our eldest was only little and I left him but he saw a dr (once) said he was better and was really good for a few months BUT every time he’s stressed out for any reason he takes it all out on us and I have tried talking to him calmly and I recently had to face some memories of childhood trauma I went through after having a trigger and it really messed me around emotionally, I have a psychologist and she was very encouraging and supportive but my partner just refused to take on some extra responsibilities to help me get through this tough time and he was constantly yelling at me in front of the kids because he was getting frustrated I wasn’t able to function at the same level I had been before or he’s yelling at the kids for something very small or sometimes even just for being too loud or for crying so the kids attached themselves to me once again and I ended up telling my psychologist I couldn’t go through with my referral for the appropriate trauma treatment we had spent weeks getting my courage up to attend but once I knew my kids weren’t feeling happy and safe without my full support and attention I couldn’t go through with it. Anyways my question is about his temper around and to the kids, so at the moment he loses his temper at least once a day and swears a lot when he’s yelling and using profanity but not swearing at them, is this behaviour ok? am I just overthinking/ exaggerating the situation? He has said countless times over the years he is going to change and stop yelling but as of yet he has not been successful for more than a few months. Ive just put too much thought into it and now have myself worried that his reactions to something as simple as one of them feeling upset and crying and him yelling at them to stop crying and stop being such a sook is damaging them and causing mental issues down the track. The last thing I want is to let anything jeopardise their health and happiness but I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking and overreacting.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

There a lots of reasons for not calling it dv. You can't upset the status quo, you don't want to admit you and the children are victims, that you are basically powerless, that you believe you can turn things around, you feel guilty and ... I'm not going to go on.

I would expect that so many would fall in exactly the same traps. if 1800RESPECT says it is dv then how can you explain that away?

May I suggest you write down a couple of lists, the truth about things that have been bad, and how you can make them better.

Show the list to your psych and please tell the unvarnished truth, no excuses on his behalf. Include the kids come to you for protection vs going to him to get away from you ,lack of anger control, the fact you have been to 1800RESPECT and what they said.

These are events happening now and need to be recognized now.

Doing this may help you. Even just writing the lists will, though that is not enough.

Do you think this idea is worth doing? If you think I'm on the wrong track or have misunderstood sing out, that is fine

Croix

[Anzee]

It’s a great idea! I emailed my psych yesterday and said to her that there is something I want to talk about with her but I’m really bad with wording and bringing up new conversations so I have asked her if I can email her an outline of what I want to talk about and if she can read it before she calls me for our session (I’m in Victoria so all our sessions have been via phone) she said that was absolutely fine so I can back out of it now. It’s really confusing and overwhelming and I just keep thinking I’m blowing it out of proportion but there is definitely a pit in my stomach that tells me otherwise so I have to at least look into it. Thanks again 😊

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Anzee,

I've read your thread and you have some great advice here. For me, the fact you have come on here to ask about your situation means you know something is not right. And that is the first step you've consciously made to admitting it.

The second point, I don't think the past and this current situation are mutually inclusive. I think what you are experiencing in your relationship with your partner is not directly related at all. The behaviour of your partner is not acceptable. Him yelling and basically verbally abusing you and the kids is not related to your past. It's an action he is doing in your present.

I don't think you are jumping to conclusions or exaggerating this at all. I came to the forum with a question about my personal situation and was upset to learn I'm also a victim of DV. I too have contacted 1800RESPECT who confirmed it as well. It's confronting to hear that because you immediately think of the worst case scenarios you see on TV. Those scenarios all started somewhere too.

What is causing your partners anger? Is it work? Covid lock down? Or is it he just can't control his temper or is he reacting to certain situations like you threatening his control over the family?

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

Even back in the days when fact to face was normal writing things down and handing over the paper was my favorite. It gave me a few days to say things right, not forget anything, and not hide things I was afraid/ashamed/etc of.

This is how I explained a suicide matter on one occasion, other things on others. It makes it so much easier. I know I will not forget anything in the pressure of face to face and will not 'chicken out'. I just answer questions. So much easier

Doctors and psychs have liked it too, as have have a clear list to work from.

The only hard part is making sure you do include the bits you wish to hide, or give the benefit of the doubt to. In those moments of temptation may I suggest you not only think of the future of your mindset but the possibly life-long effect on your kids if they have to constantly seek protection.

Plus the example of home life they learn,.

It may well be that emailing that list well beforehand and having an extended appointment might be the best way to go.

Finally if you think you are overreacting I'm sure your psych would tell you it is dv (you would of course have said what 1800REsPECT said when you email )

Please let us know how you go

Incidentally I thought emotionallydrained made some sensible points

Croix

It will not be as bad as you anticipate.

Croix

[Anzee]

emotionallydrained and Croix you have both written very well worded replies that I feel like I can connect to and I appreciated them so much.

i am regretting my decision majorly to email her what I wanted to say yesterday so I couldn’t back out today and I am feeling very anxious for our phone call as I feel embarrassed about what I said to her but deep down I knew that’s how I would feel and is exactly why I sent it yesterday because I knew if I left it until today I’d make an excuse not to send it and not to address it.

emotionallydrained, I think for the most part he just doesn’t know how to control or express his anger so he just explodes when he builds it up for too long. He seems to be stressed about something 90% of the time, he hates his job, has too many responsibilities in it and he works very long hours and works away from home a lot so when he is home he is just so exhausted and grumpy that the smallest thing will set him off. Sometimes I can tell even when he’s still in his car just by his facial expressions that he’s in a mood so I subconsciously try to prepare the kids which is so not fair but during covid he has had a lot of time off work which I thought would be good for everyone and some weeks he has been home have been great but others I’ve felt like his moods were so much worse because he had more time to think about things and dwell on them. I’ve asked him a few times if there’s something bothering him to put him in these moods and if he wants to talk about anything or if I can help but that generally makes him worse and he says there’s nothing wrong and his not in a bad mood, it’s me and asking him that makes him angry so I feel a bit helpless really. I mean maybe there is a better way for me to approach him which I will try and ask the psychologist about because I definitely feel like I make it worse when I do try to help. Thanks for reading and taking the time for your very helpful replies. I will let you know how today goes once I stop regretting my decision lol.

[Livingthedream22]

Hi Anzee,

Reading your thread and just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Firstly, good on you for reaching out, dealing with kids (I've got 3 young) is no easy task especially at the moment with covid/lockdown and family violence is any form is not on.

You mention that some days are great, so at least there is some positively there. Have you discussed perhaps on a good day that when he does lose his temper it's not great for the kids and you and that it does really worry you.

When he does lose his temper is there some kind of sign that he's about to lose it? Perhaps he could go and cool off somewhere in another part of the house for a few minutes?

If you filmed one of these outbursts and played it back to him after he'd settled down later just to show him what you see, it can be pretty confronting hearing the tone in your own voice and how hurtful it could be for a child.

At times I feel you have to be strong, you also mention that he'd come home with a bad temper after work. Remind him that while that's not great that you had a bad day not to bring it home, sit in the car for 5 minutes to de-stress, calm down and rejoin the family.

Hopefully some of this helps, keep up the positivity and be well

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

You felt the way you did (and probably still do) so you put it down on a confidential paper. I doubt you would have exaggerated or said things in error. So there really is a problem.

I've not suggested any course of action except getting advice and perspective.

It may well be that your part in changing that problem will not be the major one.

It could be your husband has to take the major role in reducing and calming the situation. Anger management (if it is just anger) is not impossible, it takes therapy but can work well.

So please do not regret that you did not hide part of the problem, without accurate and complete information no problem can be addressed. How deep it goes I have no idea. Love and concern by both parties makes a huge difference.

If I might suggest perhaps it might be an idea to discuss with your psych before filming and replaying behavior. While I'd agree with Livingthedream22 it can be pretty confronting the results may not be as anticipated from uncontrollable anger though to uncontrollable guilt. It may be a recording at some stage has a place, I don't know.

I'd suggest he too seeks information and advice.

That advice may in part suggest something from left field, such as a visit to the gym on the way home from work makes a significant difference, as could many things that play to his strengths and give space.

Croix

[Anzee]

It has been a very overwhelming day and I cried a lot, but I always do with my psych for some reason, I think I know she is my safe space and I trust her. She didn’t label his behaviour so much but used the terms in sentences when questioning if that’s how I want this relationship to be, if that’s how I want to live my life etc. she knows I am not great at thinking of myself so she did use my girls in some scenarios because that is the only way to get through to me sometimes. She just confirmed that it is entirely up to me what direction I want to take this and that she will support me in any decision I make and has given me links to centres in my local are if I need some extra support. my head is still bouncing back and fourth and all over the place but I think when my partner comes home on Friday night I am going to try and sit down and have a talk to him once the kids go to bed and just let him know that I want to be with him but there does need to be changes in his behaviour for that to happen and if he won’t agree to get the help and support he needs I won’t live with him because the kids need to learn what a healthy relationship is and what two supportive and comfortable parents look like.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I do not things could possibly have gone better, your psych is understanding and approaches matters as they are, without labels so you see the problem. Wonderful.

Of course you are overwhelmed by the day, anyone would be.

May I suggest you pick your time for that discussion with your husband?

Please say how you are going

Croix

[Livingthedream22]

Sorry, yes you are right Croix, filming might be too much at this stage, I got the idea from the show supernanny where they filmed the behaviour and replayed it but it was under much more controlled circumstances, sorry and just trying to help.

Have a great day